The State of My Health Address: When God Shows Off

Okay, so I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit vague recently in my blogs relating to my health.  I’ve had my reasons for doing this.  Now, though, I want to let you in on some of the things that have really been going on for the past few months.  Why?  Trust me, it’s not because I love putting this out so the whole world can read about the personal painful details of my life, no, but for the sake of God’s glory!

Before I left for my trip to India I was having a terrible time.  It really all started in July as a result of pushing myself a little too much, but it got worse in August when I started having persistent anxiety due to a change in one of my herbal tonics.  It was awful.  Thankfully, after 2-3 weeks of dealing with this God gave me the insight to make the connection between the new herbs and the anxiety so we changed my tonic.  After that the anxiety completely stopped.  However, the stress the anxiety naturally put upon my body put my adrenals into a tailspin.  I started having issues again not being able to sleep at night waking up exhausted and depleted, this continued for a month on and off and then for almost 2 weeks straight, I was also having an awful time with my blood sugar and there were other issues some old, some surprisingly new that arose.  I really couldn't even go for walks, my body just didn't have the reserves.  And here I was a month away from my trip to India; I really needed a work of God.  The holistic specialist I am going too even told me she didn’t think I should go on my trip, she didn’t believe I was well enough and thought we’d have a lot of extra work to do when I got home.  I even remember a time where I wondered how I could get out of the trip, but I kept praying and God kept speaking to my heart that I was to be on this trip.  So, the only thing I knew to do was obey, even if it didn’t make any sense to me and things looked very bleak.    

I kept praying and asked others to pray too.  Thankfully, the Lord worked (yet He’s always working) and about a week and a half before my trip I finally started sleeping again and my blood sugar balanced back out.  The crazy, only can be explained through God thing was that I went into the trip knowing my reserves were low and that this could be a disaster for me because of the lack of sleep I would face and stress from the trip.  And if you don’t know, if your adrenals don’t want to do their job like mine, then stress and lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster.  Why?  Because the adrenals help your body respond to stress.  Oh, and just to put the icing on the cake, it was also during this time that I started having bad back pain.  I remember saying to the Lord that if I am more of a mess when I get home and have to struggle through this while I am there then let it be for Your glory.  My life is not about me, it’s about Jesus and in this moment that aspect of my faith was being tested.  Now, I don’t follow the Lord perfectly, and there are times when I don’t get it right but I knew this trip was something I had to do. 

You see, my body was at a point where I could only handle the natural stress your body has in going through a normal day and really nothing more beyond that.  So, I went into this trip, trusting Jesus, it was all I could do.  I couldn’t control anything, in fact, I’ve never felt so weak and out of control in my entire life than I have over the past few years due to my health issues (i.e. miscarriage, pacemaker surgery, pacemaker revision surgery, and now the glands).  On the trip I had all sorts of stressful situations, especially getting there, which you can read about that crazy experience here.  I also experienced a lack of sleep due to the travel and very long days of ministry.  Yet, my blood sugar was good and I never had an issue with my sleep like I’d been having.  Never, not once.  As far as I am concerned that was a miracle of God.  Oh, and not to mention, my back pain somehow disappeared once I went on the trip.  Must have been a coincidence.  NOPE, it was God.  It was His hand, to His great glory.  Ever since I’ve been home I’ve been doing quite well.  In fact, Michael even told me he saw glimpses of the old me; which, I unfortunately paid for later!  

I really truly believe there was some spiritual warfare going on leading up to the trip to discourage me from going.  

Over this past year I’ve been seeking the Lord on my healing and He kept taking me to the book of Job.  In my stubbornness, I kept saying I don’t want to go to the book of Job.  I want to go to happier stories, like the woman who bleed for 12 years and after touching Jesus she was healed, or the crippled man Paul sees has the faith to be healed and commands him to stand and he does.  You know what though, all of these people who were healed had to suffer for years, I think we forget that when we read of their miraculous healing.  In Job’s case, Scripture tells us Satan was allowed to touch his body.  I take full responsibility for the sin that has brought on some of my health problems, but oh my, I have felt like Satan has been allowed to touch my body.  Now, Job was eventually restored, but before God healed Him He brought Him to a greater place of trust and surrender to who He was as God.  God humbled him, there would be no more questions and doubts Job would bring to God, but Job would now stand in awe of God. 

Now, I've got a road ahead of me still so I'm asking for your continued prayers, but I am standing in awe of God over this trip.  I love how God shows off and shows up in the moments that look the least hopeful and does something that can only be explained through Him.  Maybe that’s why He waits for those moments, because we’d take credit for it unless we knew we couldn’t have done it on our own?    

God may have some healing or blessings of some sort for you friend, but He may be calling you to follow Him into the unknown to a place of pure brokenness and dependence upon Him.  Just like Abraham who was called out of his own country and into one God would show him later (Gen. 12:1).  Or like Joshua and Caleb who believed God when the other 10 spies did not (Num. 13:26-33, 14:6-9).  God blessed Joshua and Caleb for their whole-hearted devotion to Him and gave them the victory—much later, in fact many years later. 

What have you been discouraged by?  A relational struggle?  Health problems?  Financial difficulties?  Some type of loss?  Closed doors?  Don’t you give up Beloved, that’s exactly what Satan wants you to do.  Don’t you do it, don’t you give him one inch of your freedom in Christ!  God has so much more for you, so much more peace and joy, freedom and hope through His Son Jesus.  “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:7  

The State of my Health Address: Conquered

It’s been just over a year now since I had both of my pacemaker surgeries.  I am still finding my strength, but as I reflect back on this time last year my heart is filled with gratitude.  There’s so much for me to be grateful for, so much.  I am thankful for the fact that I am not on a couch, I’m up, I’m moving around and I am getting stronger—to the glory of God.  I have found that I can do more, and have better focus throughout the day, slowly but surely I am making progress.  In the morning when I wake up or when I’m going on with my day and I see my pacemaker on my chest, or when I feel the twitching it causes at times—my heart fills with thanksgiving and I am humbled by the mercy of our gracious God. 

Sure, I have my moments; this process of getting better has its challenges.  I never realized how difficult and frustrating it would be to work towards building up my strength.  My adrenal/thyroid glands that aren’t working up to par have made it even more of a challenge, though thankfully they too are improving.  I’m learning to offer myself grace as I trust in the timing, strength, and perspective of God.  Yes, I’ve got a ways to go, but thanks be to God for how far we have come! 

What a humbling experience this has been for me.  I am fully convinced that the Lord has used this season in my life to humble me and for that I am grateful.  I have found a deep connection with the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:24-32 when he wrestled with God (many scholars believe this was actually the pre-incarnate Jesus).  One could say Jacob lived a pretty self-reliant life, mastering things in such a way to get what he wanted out of life.  At the end of the wrestling though Jacob is conquered, his name is changed, and he now walks with a limp.  I love what David Guzik says in his commentary:

“This is an invaluable place for everyone to come to: where God conquers us. There is something to be said for every man doing his “wrestling” with God, and then acknowledging God’s greatness after having been defeated. We must know we serve a God who is greater than us, and we cannot conquer much of anything until He conquers us.”

Jacob would walk with a limp for the rest of his life, a continual reminder that He was conquered by God.  What a gift.  I have prayed for God to conquer me, and you better believe this health journey has been a time where God has conquered me by showing me my own sinful heart, the self-reliance, and is stripping me of the pride that lies within to prepare me for the work He has for me in Him.  God has used this time in a redemptive way, isn’t that just like Him? 

Now, like Jacob, I have a reminder of God’s grace in my life, my pacemaker reminds me every day of the greatness of God, it humbles me reminding me of the frailty of life and of the fact I have been conquered by my God.  What a glorious place it is to be conquered by God, stripped of self-reliance and brought to a place of deeper trust, faith, and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ.

What are you personally struggling through?  How might God use it to conquer something in you and better prepare you for the work He has for you?

The State of My Health Address: Pressing On

In my last blog I wrote about the roadblocks I had been experiencing in my own journey to good health.  Needless to say, it was a very difficult, trying, discouraging week and a half or so. BUT the awesome, amazing, super cool thing is—I am now feeling well.  Like really pretty well.  Now, I don’t want to get my hopes up and get ahead of myself, because I’ve totally done that over this past year, but I really think I’ve scaled another barrier (*Update as of 3/31/13 I did have a setback shortly after I wrote this for a few days, during this time I was reminded of this blog, what it means to trust God and seek out His glory in our pain).  This past weekend I walked more than I have walked in almost a year and did surprisingly very well, plus for the past week, I’ve slept great, felt strength in my body and have had energy.  My birthday was yesterday and let me tell you, what a great birthday this has been.  Because when you haven’t felt well for so long, when you long to do and enjoy the things you once did and you’re body finally begins to feel better, let me tell you, it is an absolutely wonderful feeling.  On this health journey, I’ve had many highs and lows.  This is a high, thanks be to God!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on this time in my life to see what the Lord might be trying to speak to me (nothing happens in vain friends, God is always at work!). Here’s what I have been thinking about…sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  This has totally been true for me over this past year.  Remember the cleanse I did, eesh, that was rough but after it I experienced some very marked improvements in my health.  Oh, but then I started doing more this past month when softball practice started.  That’s when the couldn’t sleep, waking up in the middle of the night being dehydrated stuff got really bad.  Yah, not fun.  You know this is partly why I didn’t even try working out or even really walking that much over the past few months, because I would get so exhausted, wouldn’t sleep well and would be just plain hungry and thirsty all the time.  So, I avoided it…like the plague.  However, once softball started, there was no avoiding it, I had to face it like a (wo)man.  Yes, it was difficult, painful, confusing, discouraging, and frustrating to go through but the great part is I am actually feeling much better.

So here’s what has been swirling around in my little head (I little frightening I know), I wonder how often we avoid the difficult things in our lives because it’s too difficult, painful, confusing, discouraging, and frustrating.  It could be a relationship (friendship/spouse/family/etc.) in your life that instead of working at you just avoid because it’s “easier” or it could be a weight loss goal, an area of sin, the abuse you experienced as a child, that spiritual battle you’ve grown weary in.  Friends, sometimes (and I’d argue most times) in order for us and others to experience healing, wholeness, and just something better it will get worse before it gets better (i.e. think the death of Christ)! 

Sure, it may be “easier” to avoid, but it only keeps us in our cycles of defeat, so in reality it is not easy at all, it’s quite burdensome.  Fear is an awful thing.  Many of us don’t dig through the junk in our own hearts, relationships, marriages, and families because of this one little thing called, fear.  We stop pursing our goals in life, whether that be weight loss or something else, because the fear of failure, disappointment, or we just do not believe we are worth something better.  IF we started working on things, pursuing Truth, and seeking godly counsel—our world, our places of safety would crumble.  Yet, that’s where healing begins, but that’s scary (like a dog chasing after you scary). 

The longer I walk this journey, the more I realize just how awesome our God is and how much freedom He has for us through His Son Jesus Christ.  The more I walk in the Holy Spirit, living an abandoned, authentic life concerning my sin; I find I have more power to walk in victory with Jesus.  You better believe there is something far better for you in this life.  Beloved, the Lord Jesus not only goes with you, but before you.  You can trust Him.  Pursue authenticity, and don’t be afraid to go to those painful, scary places.  You are worth it!  The more you avoid them, the more chained and controlled by them you become.  Instead of bowing to them, bow to the Lord Jesus.  And don’t you give up the fight when it gets tough, because it will.  You push through and press in to the Lord Jesus Christ in ways like never before, relying on His Spirit, believing in His Word!  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” (Eph. 1:3)

Gracious Father, in this life we will suffer.  Who are we to think that we are exempt from suffering, as Christ suffered, so shall we.  Lord, may we bear in our bodies the markings of the Lord Jesus Christ, who suffered and died so we could be free.  Forgive us when we stay in defeat because we are too afraid to trust You with the unknown.  Grant us the courage to trust You, even when it gets worse before it gets better.  There is much more for us in Christ.   Father, we believe, we love you, be exalted.  Amen. 

The State of My Health Address: Road Blocks

My health.  Oh my health.  How do I describe it?  I get a little better and then I hit a road block, I get a little better and then I hit another little road block…it goes on and on and on. 

A month or so ago I was doing really well.  I was making some really great progress concerning my adrenal/thyroid glands.  However, lately I have taken a couple of steps back.  I have been doing more now that softball season has begun and I am coaching, unfortunately it seems like my body is just not wanting to cooperate with the extra I have put on it.  My adrenal glands are in need of some rebuilding and unfortunately they cannot keep up with the extra things I have been doing.  So because of that I haven’t been sleeping well at all.  I get up in the middle of the night and wake up absolutely dehydrated (it’s an adrenal gland thing, I’d be happy to tell you about it sometime if you’d like).  It gets a little annoying.  Needless to say, I’ve been a wee bit cranky.  I miss having energy.  This has been one of the longest seasons of my life.  I often wonder when this season of health struggles will end.  I’ve got so many things I long to do and be.  I long to be a mother, to work more fully into my calling, and to just enjoy life and the things I used too more.    

I have blogged before about how vital it is for me to grieve and let go during this health journey.  I recently started reading a book (N.T. Wright, Recovering from Loses in Life) to better equip me to be able to minister to those in their own grief, and I have found that it is actually ministering to me…quite a bit.  Funny how that happens, isn’t it? J  In the book a woman shares about her own experience with the loss of her daughter’s health.  This woman’s daughter later got better and in her reflection she shares this, “Although I am so very thankful for her health, I still spent time that morning grieving over the fun times I hadn’t realized we had lost (Wright, 15).” 

In ways I have lost some things; I have lost out on fun times, I have unfulfilled dreams, I’ve lost time, etc..  Yes, I have lost some things, but the amazing beautiful part is that my dreams/time/health is not lost, nor I am forgotten in my own pain and longing.  I find so much comfort and hope in the fact that my God is a God of redemption and grace.  As I think and grieve about the longings of my heart the Lord continues to remind of Joel 2:25a, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” 

Do you find there is some stigma attached to grief? I do.  I do not think we realize just how much we really need to grieve.  It’s nothing to be afraid of.  No, it’s something to be embraced, because it’s how we move on.  Grief is a lifelong thing and sometimes we will have to grieve the same thing more than once, but that’s okay because it does get better, it does get easier.  The Lord Jesus has helped me so much in my own process of grief and I know He wants to help you too.  So today, I am grieving (again) my own unfulfilled hopes and dreams, a long season of health problems, and an empty womb.  What about you?  What do you need to grieve and give to Jesus?  A loss of a job?  A marriage?  A longing to be married?  A unfulfilled dream?  A wayward family member?

A dear friend asked me the other day what I believed the Lord was teaching me throughout this time.  I told her I thought He was teaching me “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Ps. 46:10) Yep, He is in control.  He is completely, totally, without question…LOVE.  I can trust Him.  I am confident God has done a work in my own heart through this season of health problems.  How do I know?  Because I feel different, thank You Jesus!  My heart isn’t wrestling as much as it used too, there’s peace there that was not there before.  For that I am forever grateful.  Whatever happens in me, may it always be for the glory of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! 

Let’s pray this prayer together:  Gracious, Loving, merciful Father when our world is shaking all around us, when we have unfulfilled longings, when our health, marriages, friends fail us; YOU WILL NOT.  Strengthen us Lord to trust in Your goodness for us and help us to grieve.  We love you and believe in Your redemptive grace.  In the strong and powerful Name of Jesus we pray, amen. 

The Glory of Our Gracious God

I have wanted to write a blog like this for a while, but it wasn’t until I read a friend of mine’s blog this past week that I was greatly moved in my heart.  My friend actually lost his wife to a very short battle with brain cancer just over a year ago and his blog inspired me and challenged me in my own faith (you should read it).  No really, go read it.  I, myself, was hit with the question, am I really living in a way that says I trust God, believing He is sovereign, knowing His plans are best, and that my pain is an opportunity for God’s glory to be seen?  You see, I do believe that my pain is for a purpose, but I want to believe it even more, with greater faith and obedience.  I want to expect God’s glory. I want to want what God wants and not what Andrea wants. 

Over this past year the grace of God in my life has been absolutely amazing, I have so much to be thankful for.  Yes, I have had a lot of health problems and are still dealing with some.  I have come to realize though that if the Lord saw it fit for me to be restored to even better health then I would be, but something bigger is at stake, something beyond me; it is the glory of God.  So this year, I have decided that my aim will be the glory of God; the glory of God in each and every circumstance of my life.  That my constant prayer would be, Father, show me your glory through my own health struggles, and display Your glory through me so I might be a testimony of your love, grace, and faithfulness.  And even when I don’t see it grant me the faith to keep moving forward rejoicing in You.

The beautiful thing is when I take the time to reflect I can see the hand of God all throughout this past year.  I have seen the glory of the Lord at work and I think it is time to give God the praise He is due.  So here are a few things God has done over this past year (in no particular order):

1.       My heart is beating.

2.      My heart is beating.

3.      Did I mention my heart is beating?  Glory to God!  When I stop and ponder the depths of this reality I can do nothing but say, thank You Jesus!  Thank You Father for granting someone the knowledge to invent a pacemaker.  I am no longer dizzy, short of breathe, or experiencing palpitations.  Father, let it be to Your glory!

4.      My blood pressure reached over 100 just over a week ago.  It has been in the 80’s 90’s for probably a year.  This is a wonderful gift of grace!

5.      My husband is a gift of God’s grace, and he has been such a supportive rock for me during this time.  He is a gift of God’s grace to me.

6.      I had to quit my job over the summer because of my health.  God has provided for Michael and me in monetary ways we never could have expected.  Indeed, our Father takes care of His children!

7.      I found out my adrenal and thyroid glands are not working properly, which is why I am still tired and easily worn out.  I am seeing a holistic specialist and have seen improvements in my health.  Glory to God!

8.     I have truly come to the end of myself in different ways.  God has shown me my sin, my brokenness, and my areas I needed to surrender to Him.  This has been a freeing, empowering, humbling, amazingly good experience!  I believe my faith is becoming even more real, it’s growing roots. Glory to God! 

9.      In ministering to others I have found I am better able to sympathize and walk alongside of people in their own struggle because of my own experience.  This is a gift!

Yes, I have seen His glory at work and I am ready to watch it continue to unfold in my journey towards health—physical and spiritual.  All of these things listed above are all things to praise God about.  They are here to ignite my faith, and hopefully yours as we continue on in this New Year.  Yes, our God is faithful and true!  He can be trusted.  He is always at work in the lives of His children and it is always for His glory and our good.   He is worthy of our ceaseless praise.

My prayer is to be a woman of ceaseless praise; a woman that speaks words of faith, and desires God’s glory over her own comfort or will.  I’m here, in this season, for a reason beyond myself and I think that’s pretty awesome. 

Ps. 103:1-5

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

As you look back on this past year, what can you praise God for?  What is your hope for the New Year?

The State of My Health Address

I thought this might be a good time to give an update on my health situation and the things I’m learning from my journey. 

As I wrote about in my last blog I finally found out I have a problem with my thyroid and adrenal glands, which is causing some of my fatigue, cold hands, excessive thirst, infertility, etc..  I have been going to a holistic Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine to be treated for both of these issues.  Why this kind of treatment?  Well, every blood test I took for my thyroid and adrenal gland always came back fine.  I tried to get into an endocrinologist a few months ago but the doctor would not see me until I had a blood test that came back positive.  In retrospect I’m very thankful for this because I would much rather try to tackle something more holistically if I can. 

To start things off she had me do a 21-day cleanse, which actually turned into a 36 day cleanse (that’s what I get for not following directions and it just took my body longer to get rid of the bad!).  The cleanse was basically to help cleanse my liver of the toxins I’ve gathered over the years from certain medications, foods, metals and such.  On the cleanse I took a few supplements, ate two yummy :/ shakes a day and ate a strict gluten free, no sugar, no dairy, no nuts, no beans diet.  I know, you’re wondering what I ate and are cringing at the thought but I really enjoyed it and I honestly did not feel deprived at all!  My doctor has actually advised me to continue to eat clean in order to help my body heal itself naturally.  So, I’ve decided to continue eating a clean diet (I just recently added raw dairy to the mix).   

Here’s the crazy thing; I had no idea just how much I needed this cleanse.  I had quite the time on the cleanse.  Needless to say I felt awful.  Why?  Because my body needed to get rid of the toxins!  And after it finally did, I started feeling better. 

You know, if you looked at me from the outside would you guess I would need a cleanse?  Would you guess I’d be the type of person to have a pacemaker?  I appear to be healthy and in good shape.  You see friends; this is what God has been teaching me throughout this process.  Looks can be deceiving.  Families can appear healthy and as though they have it all together, people can appear as though they are happy and content.  Appear is the key word here.  I appear to be healthy--but I’m not.  Some people/families appear to be healthy, but they are not. You could even say something teachings in the church appear to be biblical, but they are not. 

I don’t want to be the type of person whose pride gets in the way of living a real, raw, authentic life.  You see, I’m a broken person being made new by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  I don’t have it all together.  I used to think I had to appear as such, but God has shown me otherwise.  Freedom is found in authenticity.  Living as though we appear to be strong, that’s pride and that’s sin and there’s no freedom in that, trust me I’ve been there I know how burdensome it is. 

Here’s the other thing I’ve learned.  Sometimes, in order to get to a healthier state, physically, spiritually, or emotionally things may get worse before they get better.  Ever experienced that in your life?  My cleanse made me actually feel worse in different ways.  I sometimes wondered why I was doing this and if it actually made any difference.  Sometimes God takes us on these journeys where we may experience some type of suffering (look at Joseph’s life).   There’s something so awesome and unique about God because it’s in these times that redemption comes, IF we would surrender to Him and trust Him for the timing.  Timing, that’s the tough part, trusting in His timing.

Jesus came to put broken people back together (far better than we could ever do!).  Is. 61:1b “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”  I want to become more like Jesus but this means my old self has to die.  This is NOT an easy, pain free process, BUT the outcome is well worth it.  I wonder if you’ve been broken before the Lord?  I know God is breaking me (Follow this link to hear me share how God is in the process of breaking me https://vimeo.com/51186239 ). 

I would greatly appreciate your continued prayers throughout this healing process.  I know it’s going to be a long journey, but I really think I've made a step in the right direction.  Praise God!  I haven’t been well for a while and I’m looking forward to being well again!  Blessings to you all!