My health. Oh my health. How do I describe it? I get a little better and then I hit a road block, I get a little better and then I hit another little road block…it goes on and on and on.
A month or so ago I was doing really well. I was making some really great progress concerning my adrenal/thyroid glands. However, lately I have taken a couple of steps back. I have been doing more now that softball season has begun and I am coaching, unfortunately it seems like my body is just not wanting to cooperate with the extra I have put on it. My adrenal glands are in need of some rebuilding and unfortunately they cannot keep up with the extra things I have been doing. So because of that I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I get up in the middle of the night and wake up absolutely dehydrated (it’s an adrenal gland thing, I’d be happy to tell you about it sometime if you’d like). It gets a little annoying. Needless to say, I’ve been a wee bit cranky. I miss having energy. This has been one of the longest seasons of my life. I often wonder when this season of health struggles will end. I’ve got so many things I long to do and be. I long to be a mother, to work more fully into my calling, and to just enjoy life and the things I used too more.
I have blogged before about how vital it is for me to grieve and let go during this health journey. I recently started reading a book (N.T. Wright, Recovering from Loses in Life) to better equip me to be able to minister to those in their own grief, and I have found that it is actually ministering to me…quite a bit. Funny how that happens, isn’t it? J In the book a woman shares about her own experience with the loss of her daughter’s health. This woman’s daughter later got better and in her reflection she shares this, “Although I am so very thankful for her health, I still spent time that morning grieving over the fun times I hadn’t realized we had lost (Wright, 15).”
In ways I have lost some things; I have lost out on fun times, I have unfulfilled dreams, I’ve lost time, etc.. Yes, I have lost some things, but the amazing beautiful part is that my dreams/time/health is not lost, nor I am forgotten in my own pain and longing. I find so much comfort and hope in the fact that my God is a God of redemption and grace. As I think and grieve about the longings of my heart the Lord continues to remind of Joel 2:25a, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…”
Do you find there is some stigma attached to grief? I do. I do not think we realize just how much we really need to grieve. It’s nothing to be afraid of. No, it’s something to be embraced, because it’s how we move on. Grief is a lifelong thing and sometimes we will have to grieve the same thing more than once, but that’s okay because it does get better, it does get easier. The Lord Jesus has helped me so much in my own process of grief and I know He wants to help you too. So today, I am grieving (again) my own unfulfilled hopes and dreams, a long season of health problems, and an empty womb. What about you? What do you need to grieve and give to Jesus? A loss of a job? A marriage? A longing to be married? A unfulfilled dream? A wayward family member?
A dear friend asked me the other day what I believed the Lord was teaching me throughout this time. I told her I thought He was teaching me “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Ps. 46:10) Yep, He is in control. He is completely, totally, without question…LOVE. I can trust Him. I am confident God has done a work in my own heart through this season of health problems. How do I know? Because I feel different, thank You Jesus! My heart isn’t wrestling as much as it used too, there’s peace there that was not there before. For that I am forever grateful. Whatever happens in me, may it always be for the glory of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!
Let’s pray this prayer together: Gracious, Loving, merciful Father when our world is shaking all around us, when we have unfulfilled longings, when our health, marriages, friends fail us; YOU WILL NOT. Strengthen us Lord to trust in Your goodness for us and help us to grieve. We love you and believe in Your redemptive grace. In the strong and powerful Name of Jesus we pray, amen.