Wednesday, July 4, 2012

An Unmet Desire

I wish I could write a more uplifting blog on the 4th of July but I guess that’s just not the reality of my heart right now.  I think people appreciate honesty and authenticity when it comes to life.  I don’t share these things because I want your pity, but because we can learn and grow from each other’s experiences.  My hope is that through my story, you would experience the reality of and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  So I’m not ashamed to admit that today has been a day where I’ve needed an extra measure of His grace.  Why?  Well, today was the day last year I had my miscarriage. 

 It’s hard to believe it’s been a year.  It’s gone by so very fast.  Today I am reminded, not only, of the grief I felt a year ago, but also of the unmet desire I have in my heart to have a child.  Has God healed my heart over this year?  Yes, He has and I thank Him for that.  The longing, though, is still there.   But the longing can and I think is being directed in a healthier way.  I am hoping and praying for a renewed perspective, a heart of deeper trust. 

Here’s what I’m learning though and maybe you can learn with me.   Our desires for good things, like babies, spouses, good health, a job you enjoy, etc. are not wrong to have.   It’s what we do with or who we go to with our unmet desires.  I was doing some thinking today about how often we go to certain things to either alleviate, medicate or bury an unmet desire.  It could be food.  People.  Hobbies.  Dreams.  And I as pondered the things I look too at times I realized what a vain pursuit they are; at least vain in my pursuit of happiness and wholeness (I didn’t even mean that as a 4th July pun, but take it as such if you’d like).  Sure they can be good things and can even make ourselves feel better for a time but none of them can heal our hearts.  None of them can truly satisfy.  Can I just say that today that was very hard for me to admit, that having a child will not satisfy me, only Christ will.   It was hard because in admitting that it means I also have to admit I may never get the things I long for and that would be okay because I have Jesus.  I have prayed for God to make my heart completely His, to be made whole and satisfied only in Him.  I think He is and let me tell you, it’s not easy, it’s hard.  Letting go never is.  I know I write about this desire a lot, but it's a process for me, a continual surrender. 

I was doing my devotions this morning and I read this by Oswald Chambers in his book My Upmost for His Highest:  “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him” (Ps. 37:7) until our own little world is turn upside down and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people.  Is it possible to “rest in the Lord” then?...Resting in the Lord is not depended on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself.” 

God is good, regardless of my unmet desire.  My circumstances do not determine His goodness.  Jesus is found more fully in the places of surrender, and it is here that we experience His rest and goodness. I am on a journey right now, a journey of growing in faith and of learning how to rest in the Lord (I am so bad at resting, if you’ve figured it out will you let me know).  I know this season will come to a close, and by the grace of God, I will look back on it and rejoice over all God has done in my heart and life.  But in the meantime I also want to rejoice and be glad because Christ is working right now.  As this season closes another one will open.  Lord Jesus, come what may. 

I wonder what your heart desires?   

Maybe you could say this with me:  Lord Jesus, really and truly, be my only desire.  I know you’ll heal my heart along the way. 

3 comments:

  1. Michelle KincaidJuly 8, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    Ahhhh (that is a sign, not a scream) ... Andrea thank you for writing this. I think I will start reading it every day. :o) Thank you for being open and sharing your pain. I appreciate and love you!

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    1. Michelle,
      Thank you. I am humbled and blessed by your comment. I appreciate and love you too. Trust me, I need to remind myself of this everyday too! It's such a journey, isn't it? Praying for you in your own journey with Christ!

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  2. lol, I didn't think to look, but the message I responded to earlier could have been from a blog you just wrote, or, as I see now lol, it could have been from a couple of years ago. The thing that is awesome is that for today, I needed it, I read it, God led me. Thank you for your honesty. I know that is not easy for people to take. I'm seeing just how important by how much I'm not seeing much of that in my life. It is so refreshing and uplifting to be able to see it. It helps me to know that I am not alone. I think I'm seeing a road here that God might have me on. Prayers please, lol. I am so randomly writing.... just off the top of my head; but, my heart is in it. I am not that confident that I express myself well in writing or in person lol.... but, hey, it's the truth.. Thank you for spending a minute or two with me and sharing your life. I praise God.

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