Our Desire to Have a Child: Surrending

5-25-12

It was sometime around this time last year that Michael and I found out I was pregnant.  I cannot believe it’s been a year.  Retrospect is always a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  In looking back over this past year, I know God has been over all of this.  I cannot even begin to imagine what my pregnancy would have been like considering the unknown condition my heart was in.  For that we give God praise. 

So this should teach me something, right?  It should teach me and remind me that God is faithful, He has a plan, and He’s working it out.  Though we may not fully see or understand He knows what He is doing.  His way is best, even if it hurts.  I wish I could have such faith and trust that my heart would not waver in these times.  I know He is working it out, but there’s this wrestling going on deep inside of me.  I want, but God is telling me to trust and to wait and frankly I don’t want to wait at times.  I know I say this a lot, but it’s so true.  I cannot rely on my feelings but on the Word of God which tells me He has a plan.  He has proven Himself so very worthy of my trust time and time again in my life.   

 The Lord knows Michael and I’s desire to have a family.  We talk and pray about it often.  Over the very recent months I knew I was sick and deep down inside I knew it wasn’t the right time.  I didn’t know how bad it was, but God knew.  Glory to His Name I’m getting better and seeing progress.  So now that I am getting better it only seems like the perfect time to become pregnant.  It’s so hard to walk by faith when your heart hurts.  Anybody? God knows exactly what He is doing, but so often I want to run ahead of Him.  Maybe you know what I am talking about.  Maybe your heart longs for a child, relief from some type of physical/emotional suffering, a companion in life, your spouse to appreciate you, or the salvation of a loved one.  This list could go on and on.  We all have desires.   

I do not have all of this figured out.  My faith wavers.  I’m an emotional gal.  I have a longing in my heart and I need God’s grace to help me trust Him more and more with this longing.  Maybe you do too. 

So this is my prayer, perhaps you can pray it with me.  Lord Jesus, I surrender, I submit, I let go.  You know what I desire.  You’ve known it all along.  Nothing is hidden from your sight, not a hair on my head goes without being numbered.  You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  You know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper and not to harm.  I wait for You, my soul waits, and in Your Word I put my hope.  Hope does not disappoint, because You have poured out Your love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.  Your grace is sufficient for me; Your power is made perfect in weakness.  Father, when I am weak, You are strong.  Forgive me of my lack of faith.  In Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Amen. 

Walking with Jesus: It's not so easy.

Nobody ever said walking with Jesus was easy.  Sometimes it is easier than others, but there’s this thing about walking with Jesus.  The more we walk with Him and the deeper we go means more and more of our selfishness/pride has to go too.  This is the difficult part.  Our old self, all the sin/pride/rebellion/self-righteousness/whatever dissipates as Jesus begins to fill us with His love and purpose.  The less we have of ourselves the more beautiful we will become as Christ begins to take over every area of our hearts.    

There will be times in my life when I feel like I’ve finally taken hold of a stronghold in my life.  But then those moments come where I am reminded of the sin or challenged once again with the question will I choose life and follow Jesus or will I choose that path I hate, but are so often drawn too.  Yes, I want to follow Jesus.  Yes, I want to live more for Him.  I cannot conquer strongholds or overcome temptation on my own, and neither can you.  By the power of the Risen Christ in us we can, but only according to His good purpose and glory.  Did you hear that last part?  Only according to His good purpose and glory.   I think it’s a very important piece.  Let me explain.  If for some reason God desires for me to struggle through an area of sin for longer than I’d like, my response should be that of praise and thanksgiving because “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose (Phil 2:13).”  I may not understand it, I may not like it, I may even wish it never happened but it’s not my feelings that give me any sense of Truth, it is His Word which guides me in Truth.  His Word must be my focus and yours.  God’s character and our identity in Christ are not determined by how we feel but on who God is revealed to us in His Word. 

I have learned over my years of walking with Jesus that we can pray a prayer for God to help us live victoriously but that does to mean the prayer is immediately answered.  Sometimes it is, but I think most times it isn’t.  Why?  Because God has so much more to do in us and it’s the journey of trusting Him in faith, even when the lies continue, the fears do not cease, and the battle seems like there is no end in sight.  Think about it friends, if God just answered our prayers in an instant, would we truly seek Him?  Would we really get to know Him?  God would be at our disposal giving us whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted without us having to submit anything to Him.  This is not how God works.  He’s a redemptive God who longs to make us whole and complete.  This work takes time. 

God loves us with an everlasting, perfect, complete love.  Let us not forget though that the Christian life is a battle.   The world, the flesh (ourselves), and the devil are all working against us.  My friends keep pressing on.  Keep putting your faith in the promises of God revealed in scripture.  Don’t regret the struggle, but remember God is working in you to make you more like His Son.   The journey may not be easy, but the reward is well worth it. And what is our reward?  Well eternal life for one, but in the meantime it’s the amazing journey of walking with the Lover of our souls.  The Apostle Paul sums it up pretty well in Phil 3:7-8 “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.”

Jesus really is real and alive.  The more I walk with Him, the more I realize this truth.  He is alive and He lives in me.  God knows exactly what He is doing, keep trusting, keep seeking, and keep believing Him for far better things.  “Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay (Hab. 2:3b).”

Hope and Healing

For this post I would like to take some time to rejoice in all God has done and is doing in my own life.  I hope you might rejoice with me! 

If I was going to be honest with you all today, I would admit that this has been a difficult year and a half, with my miscarriage, my heart problems, and some intense spiritual warfare Michael and I endured.   But I do not want the focus to be on my pain, but instead on God and what He has done and is doing.  As I reflect on all I’ve been through, I know that God has had a plan throughout it all.  My hope is that I have been changed, and I truly believe I have.  I believe all these things have shaped me in one way or another, to the glory and credit of God.  Throughout all of it I know I have drawn closer to the Word of God like never before and I hope to fall deeper and deeper in love with the Word.  Because the Word of God really does change us, it frees us, it leads us to wholeness and so much more.  

I rejoice friends because Jesus Christ has been with me throughout each step of this journey.  I have sensed His presence, I have felt His nudging, and the gentleness of His voice has spoken directly to me in my need.   I do not know where I would be without Him.  At times I’ve wondered what my life would be without Jesus Christ, and friends, I cannot even fathom life with Christ.  He is my life.   But I want Him to be more and more of my life.  I desire for Him to take all of my life.  We’ve still got some things to work on in that area, but thanks be to God for His patience with me. 

Yes, God has been with me through this year.  Never has He left me, never has He forsaken me.   And now, after months and months of health ups and downs I sit here today physically, spiritually and emotionally healed in many ways.  I rejoice because I feel like I have my life back! Glory to God!   Now I desire for all of my energies to be spent on the mission God has for me in this life.  Father, help me, I pray.    

The other night I was reading from Luke 4:38-44 and the story of Jesus healing Simon’s mother-in-law from her high fever.  After Jesus rebukes her fever the scriptures tell us “She got up at once and began to wait on them.” (v. 39b).  Yes!  Yes, it’s time for me to get up and serve Christ!  Sure I was down for a while, but in Jesus’ Name I will, I am, and I will continue get up at once!  I don’t want to live in the past, but move on at once and serve my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I’m excited to get up, to serve, and to work wholeheartedly for the mission God has for me.  Father thank You for all You’ve so graciously done for me!

M.I.P: Mess in Progress

5-3-12

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." Ez. 11:19

In my last post I talked about having a new heart and referenced this verse at the end.  Well, I have been doing some more reflecting on this verse in Ezekiel over the past week.  I sometimes refer to myself as an M.I.P:  Mess In Progress.  I think we all have something we have to work through.  God is always revealing layer after layer to me when it comes to my own sin and brokenness.  In His gracious love He reveals to me the places where my heart is divided and hardened by sin.  When He reveals it my responsibility is to acknowledge it for what it is , repent, and trust it into the hands of Christ.  Once we get through one issue we move to another. It’s a lifelong process of God doing this work of redemption in our hearts.  It’s really a humbling experience too, but a great one because it is where freedom lies as we learn to submit every part of ourselves to the Father. 

Yep, I’m a mess but thanks be to God I’m a M.I.P.!  It’s not a self-defeating, depressing place to be; no it’s a good place to be because in working through the mess we meet Jesus.  He really can restore our hearts.  He really can make us and our loved ones truly whole, happy, and free.  Friends, I’ve realized in life there is no point in running from or hiding our weaknesses and insufficiencies. There is absolutely NO shame in being real.  Because when we do this, when we hide, we stay in the darkness. We cannot just cover up things and think they’ll disappear.  It is when we come out into the light, when we are real and authentic, that something redemptive happens.  The light of Jesus Christ breaks through our darkness and our despair becomes hope, our strongholds begin to crumble and the chains start to fall.  God is just waiting for us to come to Him; to be real, honest and open about the sins and junk we have in our lives.  We’ve all got them, the addictive compulsive habits, the jealousy, lust, unforgiveness, bitterness, pride, etc..  But for the grace of God we would all be a mess.  It’s time to be real, it’s time to look at our own selves and stop looking at others.  Take a look at your own heart, it’s okay, it really is okay to admit the ways you’ve wronged God and your neighbor. 

The beauty of Jesus Christ is that He longs to walk beside us in this journey through life.  He really can take our hearts of stone turn them into undivided hearts of flesh, where the power of His loves nourishes and directs our lives.  It is then that the healing will fall like a flood in our personal lives, in our families, in our churches, communities, and Lord willing all around this world.   Because when we start getting free and living in the fullness of God in Christ, people we really want what we have.  I haven't gotten it all figured out, and I know I never will until I met Jesus face to face, but we're moving forward in Jesus' Name.  I’m an M.I.P. and proud of it.  What about you? J

A New Heart # 3

I’m 28 years young and in those 28 years God has been so gracious to give me three new hearts so that I can be alive.  Thank you Father.  I praise God for His grace offered to me, and that He is not through with me yet here on this earth.  I’m alive because He has plans for me. 

My first new heart came when I was just 11 years old.  This was when I had open-heart surgery.  I had a leaky valve which caused my heart to enlarge to three times its normal size and my electrical system was off which made my heart beat too fast.  So the doctors, by the grace of God, worked their magic and I was able to live. 

My third heart (don’t worry I’ll go back to the second) came last week.  This time my heart was beating too slow, my resting heart rate was a 45 and my blood pressure was also low.  My heart wasn’t responding like it should which caused me some strong bouts with fatigue, shortness of breath, and dizziness.  Once again, by the grace of God, the doctors worked their magic.  I was given a pacemaker.  The pacemaker makes it so my heart beat will never drop under 60 and it now responds to physiological stress like it should. 

My second heart, the one I want to focus on, came though when I was 15 years old.  You see if I wouldn’t have gotten this heart the other two really wouldn’t matter at all.  This heart is the most important heart because it offers me true lasting life.  This heart is a different type of heart, not a physical heart, but a spiritual one.  At the age of 15 years old I confessed Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I made a commitment to follow Him and the purpose He created me for.  Jesus came into my heart and regenerated it to new life (2 Cor. 5:17).

The other two were wonderful blessing from God because they have given me the opportunity to live longer and serve Him on this earth.  But if for some reason, the Lord chose to take me to be with Him, my “heart” would be secure because as we read in Rom 10:13 “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord He will be saved.”  My security is found in Jesus Christ for all of eternity.  If I die, I’ll be with Jesus.  What about you?  Is your heart secure?  It can be.  Call out to Him. 

Ez. 11:19 says “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.” 

Pacemaker: The Experience

I’m thankful this surgery was nothing like my first surgery when I had open-heart.  I was there for about 24 hours and then released.  I was actually a little surprised they let me go home that day, but very thankful because I was getting a little impatient. J  

You know I really felt like God was trying to teach me a few things during my time there now that I have the time to sit back and reflect.  What I learned was just because things do not go smoothly does not mean God is not with me and guiding the process.  Let me explain.  I got there on Monday around 1pm, they did some preliminary things.  One of the first, we will call them, bumps in the road came while I was getting my blood drawn.  The nurse accidently bumped the syringe (ouch!).  We then move onto my prep room where the next nurse tries to put an IV in my right arm.  For some reason this was one of the most painful IV’s I’ve had put in.  Well if you stay with me, you’ll find out why. 

I get into the surgical room and really I just want to be put under so I don’t have to sit there and watch them put all these wires on me and paint me with orange stuff.  After about 10 minutes the lady says, okay, and she puts a little water in the IV to test it.  All of the sudden, pain starts filling my arm.  I say to the anesthesiologist lady, “That hurts, is it supposed to hurt that much.”  She then proceeds to look at my arm to see that where the IV is in my arm is beginning to bubble.  Bubble!  Why might you ask?  Because my earlier nurse lady did not get the IV inside the vein but only under the skin.  Good times.  Hence, the pain.  So then anesthesiologist lady takes out the IV and she says, “Oh my, that’s just squirting out blood.”  Now it wasn’t that bad, but it did bleed through the cotton ball pretty quickly.  So they call in a nurse to put a new IV.  They turn to my left arm, which is full of little small veins!  She finds one, puts it in, but unfortunately there was some kind of block, it won’t work.  So then, no kidding, the head director of nursing lady comes in and finds a vein in my left hand.  Oye, finally, 20 minutes later  I go to sleep!

Oh, but the fun has really only just begun!  After my surgery they bring me some dinner.  I start eating and begin to fill sick, but I try to keep eating because I know I need some nourishment.  Eventually I get to the point where I’m so nauseous I just have to lay down.  Because of feeling nauseous I really did not eat or drink much before I went to bed.  This is important to remember for what happens next. 

So throughout the night they had to wake me up about three times to check my vitals and all that fun stuff.  So needless to say I was quite exhausted. The third time they woke me up was to go and get an X-ray at 6am.  The nurse pushes me in my fancy state-of-the art wheelchair (Okay, maybe not) to the X-ray place.  I stand up for my X-ray and all of the sudden I start to feel very sick.  I say to the tech, “I feel like I’m going to get sick.”  So she has me sit down in the wheelchair.  Next thing I remember is her snapping her fingers at me.  Why?  Because I passed out.  Opps.  Come to find out I was dehydrated.  So I got some breakfast in me and they pumped me full of fluids.  They told me I might not get to go home because of this so I put on a good show.  I walked out to the nurses station a couple of times (my first time around I told them I came to do a song and dance for them and then my second time around I made sure to wave and smile at my nurse) and they decided to let me go home!  Hey, God didn’t give me such charm for nothing. J

Sure we had some bumps in the road.  But isn’t this life?   You see friends, God was with me, He was in charge.  At times I think we are tempted to believe that if things do not go well then God was not with us or He must not love us.  Oh friends, what a lie this is!  Just because we are following Jesus, this does not mean we will never suffer in this life.  Things will never go perfectly (Read about the life of Joseph and Job).  We must remember and even be intentional about looking for how God is moving in our imperfect lives that are filled with “bumps in the road.”  He is working and He loves us so very much.  I was blessed in so many ways during my time at the hospital with wonderful visitors and some very competent/compassionate nurses.   The way things worked out so quickly with the heart doctors was truly God.  Not to mention all of the people who told me they were praying for me, it truly made my heart feel good inside.  And you know what;  I’m okay, I’m still in one piece and I’m healing, I’m getting better. 

As I pray and reflect on my experience and am even tempted to believe lies about who God is in my life, I am constantly reminded of Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Thank you Father for being with me throughout this whole process.  I look forward with great expectation and hope for the healing I will experience in body, heart, mind and soul.  My hope is that throughout all of this You were and will continue to be glorified. 

Pacemaker: My Soon to be Companion

So yesterday I got some interesting news.  I am slowly becoming the next bionic woman.  Who knows soon enough I might even make Terminator status!  No but really, I have to have a pacemaker put in on Monday.  I wasn’t really expecting this, but I know that I need something, because something is not right with me.  I’ve known something hasn’t been right for quite a while now, but you know it’s always easier to avoid things and try to figure them out on our own.  Because when we avoid things it means they aren’t really as bad as they seem, at least for me it seems that way. 

I’ve been struggling with bouts of fatigue and dizziness for the past year and a half now.  I haven’t been able to run for the past 6 months and even walking becomes a chore at times because I will get so fatigued.  I recently passed out and hit my head pretty hard and had to go to the ER about a month and a half ago.  This is what began my trips to the doctor’s office and my visit to the cardiologist.  Who then sent me to a specialist who deals with the electrical part of the heart.  I’ve had some issues with this in the past (i.e. open heart surgery) so my cardiologist thought it’d be a good idea to see a specialist.  Me though, being the stubborn little gal that I am, didn’t want to see a specialist, but after talking about it with others I decided it would be a good thing. 

Long story short, I come to find out that I have a very slow heart rate and low blood pressure.  This causes me to faint and get dizzy.  Yep, something’s not right; it’s time to do something about it.  I’d like to think that no I’m fine and I don’t need this surgery, but I’m afraid that’s just not an option (that’s my controlling side coming out though).  Deep down I know that I am safe in His hands.  I’ve asked God to guide this process of healing so ultimately I’m putting my trust in Him to grant Michael and I discernment throughout.  It all seems like it’s happening so fast.  In some ways this is a bit disconcerting but I’m also grateful because I know the sooner it gets done the better I will start to feel.  So as I think about the outcome I am thankful and even a bit excited because I just want to be well.  The good thing is is that the surgery only takes 22 minutes (seems pretty amazing if you ask me!) and I will only be staying overnight. 

We would greatly appreciate your prayers throughout this process.  Please pray for my husband, my family, and for me.  It’s going to be difficult knowing that I can’t really fully coach softball for the two weeks after the surgery.  This makes me sad.   I know having a pacemaker is going to pretty much change my life, so pray for me as I learn to adjust and accept knowing that this is a good thing.  

As I pray and think, I am constantly reminded of Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  By the power of Christ in me I will walk by faith and not by sight, trusting in His constant love and care for me. 

My surgery to put in the pacemaker is scheduled for Monday at 3pm at St. John’s hospital in Springfield.