It was sometime around this time last year that Michael and I found out I was pregnant. I cannot believe it’s been a year. Retrospect is always a wonderful thing, isn’t it? In looking back over this past year, I know God has been over all of this. I cannot even begin to imagine what my pregnancy would have been like considering the unknown condition my heart was in. For that we give God praise.
So this should teach me something, right? It should teach me and remind me that God is faithful, He has a plan, and He’s working it out. Though we may not fully see or understand He knows what He is doing. His way is best, even if it hurts. I wish I could have such faith and trust that my heart would not waver in these times. I know He is working it out, but there’s this wrestling going on deep inside of me. I want, but God is telling me to trust and to wait and frankly I don’t want to wait at times. I know I say this a lot, but it’s so true. I cannot rely on my feelings but on the Word of God which tells me He has a plan. He has proven Himself so very worthy of my trust time and time again in my life.
The Lord knows Michael and I’s desire to have a family. We talk and pray about it often. Over the very recent months I knew I was sick and deep down inside I knew it wasn’t the right time. I didn’t know how bad it was, but God knew. Glory to His Name I’m getting better and seeing progress. So now that I am getting better it only seems like the perfect time to become pregnant. It’s so hard to walk by faith when your heart hurts. Anybody? God knows exactly what He is doing, but so often I want to run ahead of Him. Maybe you know what I am talking about. Maybe your heart longs for a child, relief from some type of physical/emotional suffering, a companion in life, your spouse to appreciate you, or the salvation of a loved one. This list could go on and on. We all have desires.
I do not have all of this figured out. My faith wavers. I’m an emotional gal. I have a longing in my heart and I need God’s grace to help me trust Him more and more with this longing. Maybe you do too.
So this is my prayer, perhaps you can pray it with me. Lord Jesus, I surrender, I submit, I let go. You know what I desire. You’ve known it all along. Nothing is hidden from your sight, not a hair on my head goes without being numbered. You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. You know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper and not to harm. I wait for You, my soul waits, and in Your Word I put my hope. Hope does not disappoint, because You have poured out Your love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Your grace is sufficient for me; Your power is made perfect in weakness. Father, when I am weak, You are strong. Forgive me of my lack of faith. In Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.