So I’m tired again. Thanks be to God not as bad as I did before the pacemaker, but I just feel worn out during the day. I am not experiencing the alertness and energy as I was a couple of weeks ago. The doctor made a change in my pacemaker due to the twitching sensation I was feeling in my chest and they warned me this change might cause me to become tired again. Basically what they did was they turned off the part which tells the bottom chamber of the my heart to beat because the lead, which has my bottom chamber beat, was causing my muscle to twitch. I went back on Tuesday to see if I could get this turned back on. He informed me that in order to turn that part back on he would want to go back in and reposition the lead. Which means more surgery. I told him I’d deal with the twitching, but he doesn’t want to do that. I can understand that. So he made a small change, but from what I can tell it really hasn’t done anything. I'm hoping to go back to the doctor ASAP to see what our next step is, whether it's surgery or not.
I really just want to feel well. I can’t even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to feel well for those couple of weeks. It felt like I had my life back in so many ways. At the same time though, it almost feels like it never happened. It seems more like a dream than a reality. I know God has something better for me; it’s a matter of being patient, of trusting, of believing by faith and not allowing this bump in the road to deter my focus on Jesus. Easier said than done though, isn’t it? It’s a daily battle of choosing to believe, and relying on the Holy Spirit for the grace to believe.
There have been so many times of the recent months and days where I have had to make a very conscious decision to believe in the promises of God because of various things and circumstances in my life. I wish I could tell you my faith has been as solid as a rock, but then I’d be lying. I’ve had some tough days. Why? Well, I believe because I’ve allowed discouragement and despair to sicken my heart. I have stayed in these places of self-defeat instead of proclaiming the Word of God in my life, and asking for the grace and mercy to believe in it even when my circumstances tell me differently. So yesterday, I had to do some repenting of my unbelief. You know what though; afterwards I did feel renewed in my faith. God really can change us by His grace if we’d only turn to Him, repent, and ask.
So here’s what I came too yesterday, I can either wallow in self-pity or I can rise in Jesus’ Name believing in His power to overcome my emotions. I can walk by faith and I can walk in victory. Not by my power, but by the work of Christ in me, I can. God has a purpose for us in these times of testing and trial. Believe it or not, He does it because He loves us and longs to produce in us a harvest of righteousness which bears fruit in Him. Satan would love us to believe the opposite. My friends, “Resist him, standing firm in the faith,” (1 Pet. 5:9a). Whatever it is that you are going through, if your mind is being bombarded by unwanted thoughts, if your health is poor, your family is falling apart, do not allow the Enemy to take any inch of joy and peace which is yours in Jesus Christ!
I read this yesterday as my spirit was wrestling, Rom. 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
God uses these times to produce something glorious in us, but we have to allow Him to do the work He needs to do. He has greater work for us to do and greater work requires greater character. I was reading a book by Robert Morris, From Dream to Destiny, and he goes through this passage of scripture and said something which struck me. He says our response to God through trail and waiting should be one of thanksgiving because “You have said that this is going to produce something good in me. You have said that this will produce patience. So when I come out of this trail, I am going to have more of the fruit of the Spirit, and I am going to look more like Jesus.”
Father, forgive me. Forgive me of allowing my heart to be sickened by despair. How I long to look more like your Son. This is the path You have chosen for me, forgive me for wanting it to come to a close quicker than You desire. You still have work to do in me. Thank you for loving me enough to make me more like your Son and produce perseverance, character, and hope in me. Gracious Father, do the work you need to do and in the timing you need to do it. Make me more like Your Son Jesus and grant me the patience and hope to persevere by faith. Amen.