In some ways I feel like I’m in a bit of a timeout. The things I used to do and enjoy I don’t do any more; I just can’t, at least not right now. In fact, I was thinking the other day about how I used to run all the time and realized I have not run consistently for almost 2 years. Over these two years there have been moments on this journey where I have missed running and being active. It was such a huge part of my life, but in ways God has brought me to this place where I have had to say, I may never run again (for those of you who know me, you know this is not easy for me to admit). This has been a very recent and somewhat painful discovery. In some ways I feel like I have to grieve, maybe that sounds odd to you but I think when we finally let go of the things that have been a part of our lives for so long we go through a process of grieving. Maybe you know what I’m talking about? You see, running/being active cannot be my goal in getting better. I know for a while it was definitely one of my goals in getting better and God has been so gracious to show me otherwise:).
I just feel like I’m on this journey where God is showing me where my true delight must be found. It must be found in Him. Not these external things or hopes I have went too to fill up my cup in the past. You bet I used running as a tool to fill up my cup, and in many ways it was an unhealthy tool. So here I am, at a place where I am realizing my life is not my own. My pursuits in life are vain without Christ. I’m being broken and what an amazing, transforming, painful place it is.
A while back I prayed a prayer where I asked to the Lord to break me. I really think He is. Yes, this has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but in this season where I am being stripped of so many things I have experienced the risen Christ in ways like never before. I do not know how to explain it any other way but—GOD. My heart is at rest in ways like I have never known before. Sure I get discouraged at times, but my heart finds great comfort in His Word:
“for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Phil. 1:19-21
Here’s my encouragement to you all. Pray that prayer. Pray that God would break you. You will be amazed at the things God will start to do. He will start taking away your “control”, He will start crumbling your walls of self-protection and He will start filling you with the character of His Son.
Sound a bit crazy? Perhaps. I can tell you though friend, it is where true freedom is found, as we are emptied of ourselves and filled with the love and power of the Holy Spirit.
Want to be freed from those addictive behaviors/thought patterns? Desire to experience health in your relationships and interactions with others? Tired of being co-dependent? Controlling? Afraid?
Then let Jesus break you. You will not regret it, but know it will be a long/trying/exhausting journey. Don’t give up. Satan will throw different distractions/confusions/lies at you to keep you from moving forward, but he cannot keep you stuck in despair. Keep abandoning yourself and relying on the Lord Jesus, He will push you forward!
Precious Jesus, would you empty us of ourselves and fill us with You. We want to be free. We are tired of being controlled by the things of this life and the brokenness of our hearts. Jesus, save us from ourselves! Break us and make us whole. We need you. We trust you. We give ourselves to You. Come Holy Spirit, to the glory of God, come!