Our Pregnancy Story: A Birth I Couldn't Do

Ok people it’s birth story time…here’s just a little part of our story and the amazing things God did because I couldn't have.

On Monday the day before my due date Michael and I ventured up to Springfield to talk with my doctor and one of the things we discussed was an epidural because my chart said the high risk doctor wanted me to get an early epidural due to my pacemaker.  Call me crazy, but I didn’t want one.  I really wanted a vaginal, without epidural, and as minimal intervention childbirth as I possibly could.  So we talked about it, she talked with the high risk doc, and my cardiologist and EVERYONE said it would be okay for me not to get an epidural (so we thought).

BUT then came Wednesday, the day my water sprung a leak (no, it literally sprung a leak) and Michael and I went to the hospital.  The doctor came into the room, not the one I’d been seeing, but the one on call who would also be delivering the baby and tells me that they want me to have an epidural.  I then proceed to tell him about the conversation I JUST had with my doctor two days ago.  He informs me that he also spoke with all of my doctors again and everyone was of the opinion that I should have an epidural.  Okay, now I’m confused, and frankly angry.  Picture it with me people, I’m sitting on my birth ball, rocking away, crying because this doctor is telling me that I now have to have an epidural and I would only be allowed 30 minutes of pushing time because of my pacemaker.  Did you know the average first time Mom pushes 1 to 2 hours?  Awesome, 30 minutes, when my doctor and I discussed it earlier and she said I could push for up to 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Now, I know Rachel Ray can whip up a meal in 30 minutes, but we are talking babies here people, not chicken marsala!

Anyways, I think the tears may have swayed my doctor a bit because he told me that if I could keep my heart rate under 100 and push for 30 minutes he would let me do it without the epidural.  This also meant I would have to labor down as long as possible, which just means I’d have to wait for Gabriel to get as low as he could in the birth canal so I wouldn’t have to push as long.  That just means I could be fully dilated for quite some time without being able to push.  Wow, okay, labor without pain meds and keep my heart rate under 100, while laboring down, and only pushing for 30 minutes. 

I KNEW I COULDN’T DO IT. 

Yep, I couldn’t, I had to have God’s strength.  I always knew I couldn’t give birth without God’s help, but now I really needed some divine intervention. 

My doula, who was awesome and loves Jesus prayed with us and we asked God for His help.  Folks, let me tell you, He showed up!  

There was one time my heart rate went over 100, and that was when my family walked in the room.  It startled me and sent my heart rate into the 100’s.  Other than that, even in the most intense part of labor my heart rate stayed under 100.  Now, I just don’t know how that happened, unless God was behind it all. 

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!  It’s now pushing time.  Remember, I’ve got 30 minutes.  The doctor decided to have me push through every other contraction though, so I’d push and then breathe through the next.  That was fun (enter sarcastic tone here).  While that was difficult I think it worked to my advantage and the doc gave me some grace because it took about 40 minutes total with about 20 minutes of actual pushing time for me to get Gabriel out.  Once he crowned, I’m not kidding, on the next set of pushing he literally flew out all at once.  He must've known we didn't have much time left. ;)  (*update 3/25/15) My Doula told me that right after I gave birth my heart rate went above 100.  It's true, I actually have a picture of my husband holding Gabriel and my heart rate is 122 and that was minutes after I had given birth.  Wow, now that's just the Lord, there's no other way to explain it! 

(Heart rate at 122 after delivery)

I remember praying through this time, and just hearing from the Lord to rest knowing He was right there.  He sure was and He showed up big.  I just love it when He does this because I know I could not have done this alone, He did it and He deserves all the glory! 

Our beloved Gabriel is an answer to our many prayers.  In August of 2009 Michael and I started praying for a child, and on August 20^th, 2014 God granted our request.  What a great God we serve!

When God Shows Off: Our Pregnancy Story

So you may have heard the news.  I’m pregnant!  Glory to God! 

Can I be honest?  We were NOT expecting this.  I know that sounds odd considering Michael and I have asked God for a child for over 4 years, and I have been working with a woman on my fertility through a holistic approach for just over a year but LET ME EXPLAIN. :)  

In the fall of 2013 God began to really open my heart to adoption.  Michael has been open to it for years and has really wanted to pursue it over the past year or two.  It wasn’t until this fall though that my heart really began to open up to the idea.  So we began talking about it more together.  We even sat down with an agency and talked with an adoption counselor about the process of adoption.  We had decided to start the process the first of the year after we got through the holidays.  We were on our way.  So we thought.  

Because only ten short days before 2014 began on December 21^st I discovered I was pregnant (Michael didn’t believe me, he made me take two tests and read the instructions to him J).  So it seems like God had other plans for us!  I have no doubt though He was working on my heart to open it up to adoption and we trust He knows exactly what He is doing. 

I lost my first pregnancy early on in the summer of 2011 as some of you know.  So as you can imagine we’ve had some mixed emotions at times, ranging from shock and delight, to fear and doubt.  Early on after we found out I remember having a deep sense of peace, but then I let those fears creep in.  You know, the ones about losing the pregnancy again and doubting this was actually happening.  I went to Jesus with my fears and He helped me work them out and has restored my peace.  I am so stinking glad I have a Savior who is so gracious, loving and has pulled me out of so many pits in my life.  I have no doubt He will pull me out of this potential pit of fear in the weeks and months to come.  Because I’m sure the waves of fear will come and go, but because He walks with me, I don’t have to live and stay and dwell in those places of fear.  That’s a terrible place to live and my hope in Christ is to enjoy this pregnancy and rejoice in what God has done.  Regardless of what happens, I believe my God is good in all His ways.  I’ve been through too much with the Lord over these past few years not to believe in His goodness and grace.  That’s partly why Michael and I told people before the first trimester was over.  Risky?  Perhaps.  Yet, we know God was saying, be vulnerable.  Because we’ve been vulnerable there have been so many prayers for our precious baby and for ourselves and trust me we have felt the prayers of God’s people and what a blessing it has been.

I know this may sound odd too, but I really believe God used my mission trip to India in me being able to conceive.  I wrote earlier that I believe God did some type of healing work in me during that trip and now I am convinced all the more that He did.  It was only a week after I returned home from India that I became pregnant.  Friends, that is the Lord!  Especially considering what a mess I was before I left for the trip.   But I came home feeling the best I’ve felt in a very long time, of course, I then began feeling tired again, but now I know why.  I was pregnant, and I just didn’t know it yet.  J

We appreciate your prayers, but would you do my heart a great delight and just take a moment to praise God with us.  This was an act of His grace and we are so humbled by it! 

The State of my Health Address: Conquered

It’s been just over a year now since I had both of my pacemaker surgeries.  I am still finding my strength, but as I reflect back on this time last year my heart is filled with gratitude.  There’s so much for me to be grateful for, so much.  I am thankful for the fact that I am not on a couch, I’m up, I’m moving around and I am getting stronger—to the glory of God.  I have found that I can do more, and have better focus throughout the day, slowly but surely I am making progress.  In the morning when I wake up or when I’m going on with my day and I see my pacemaker on my chest, or when I feel the twitching it causes at times—my heart fills with thanksgiving and I am humbled by the mercy of our gracious God. 

Sure, I have my moments; this process of getting better has its challenges.  I never realized how difficult and frustrating it would be to work towards building up my strength.  My adrenal/thyroid glands that aren’t working up to par have made it even more of a challenge, though thankfully they too are improving.  I’m learning to offer myself grace as I trust in the timing, strength, and perspective of God.  Yes, I’ve got a ways to go, but thanks be to God for how far we have come! 

What a humbling experience this has been for me.  I am fully convinced that the Lord has used this season in my life to humble me and for that I am grateful.  I have found a deep connection with the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:24-32 when he wrestled with God (many scholars believe this was actually the pre-incarnate Jesus).  One could say Jacob lived a pretty self-reliant life, mastering things in such a way to get what he wanted out of life.  At the end of the wrestling though Jacob is conquered, his name is changed, and he now walks with a limp.  I love what David Guzik says in his commentary:

“This is an invaluable place for everyone to come to: where God conquers us. There is something to be said for every man doing his “wrestling” with God, and then acknowledging God’s greatness after having been defeated. We must know we serve a God who is greater than us, and we cannot conquer much of anything until He conquers us.”

Jacob would walk with a limp for the rest of his life, a continual reminder that He was conquered by God.  What a gift.  I have prayed for God to conquer me, and you better believe this health journey has been a time where God has conquered me by showing me my own sinful heart, the self-reliance, and is stripping me of the pride that lies within to prepare me for the work He has for me in Him.  God has used this time in a redemptive way, isn’t that just like Him? 

Now, like Jacob, I have a reminder of God’s grace in my life, my pacemaker reminds me every day of the greatness of God, it humbles me reminding me of the frailty of life and of the fact I have been conquered by my God.  What a glorious place it is to be conquered by God, stripped of self-reliance and brought to a place of deeper trust, faith, and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ.

What are you personally struggling through?  How might God use it to conquer something in you and better prepare you for the work He has for you?