The State of My Health Address: When God Shows Off

Okay, so I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit vague recently in my blogs relating to my health.  I’ve had my reasons for doing this.  Now, though, I want to let you in on some of the things that have really been going on for the past few months.  Why?  Trust me, it’s not because I love putting this out so the whole world can read about the personal painful details of my life, no, but for the sake of God’s glory!

Before I left for my trip to India I was having a terrible time.  It really all started in July as a result of pushing myself a little too much, but it got worse in August when I started having persistent anxiety due to a change in one of my herbal tonics.  It was awful.  Thankfully, after 2-3 weeks of dealing with this God gave me the insight to make the connection between the new herbs and the anxiety so we changed my tonic.  After that the anxiety completely stopped.  However, the stress the anxiety naturally put upon my body put my adrenals into a tailspin.  I started having issues again not being able to sleep at night waking up exhausted and depleted, this continued for a month on and off and then for almost 2 weeks straight, I was also having an awful time with my blood sugar and there were other issues some old, some surprisingly new that arose.  I really couldn't even go for walks, my body just didn't have the reserves.  And here I was a month away from my trip to India; I really needed a work of God.  The holistic specialist I am going too even told me she didn’t think I should go on my trip, she didn’t believe I was well enough and thought we’d have a lot of extra work to do when I got home.  I even remember a time where I wondered how I could get out of the trip, but I kept praying and God kept speaking to my heart that I was to be on this trip.  So, the only thing I knew to do was obey, even if it didn’t make any sense to me and things looked very bleak.    

I kept praying and asked others to pray too.  Thankfully, the Lord worked (yet He’s always working) and about a week and a half before my trip I finally started sleeping again and my blood sugar balanced back out.  The crazy, only can be explained through God thing was that I went into the trip knowing my reserves were low and that this could be a disaster for me because of the lack of sleep I would face and stress from the trip.  And if you don’t know, if your adrenals don’t want to do their job like mine, then stress and lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster.  Why?  Because the adrenals help your body respond to stress.  Oh, and just to put the icing on the cake, it was also during this time that I started having bad back pain.  I remember saying to the Lord that if I am more of a mess when I get home and have to struggle through this while I am there then let it be for Your glory.  My life is not about me, it’s about Jesus and in this moment that aspect of my faith was being tested.  Now, I don’t follow the Lord perfectly, and there are times when I don’t get it right but I knew this trip was something I had to do. 

You see, my body was at a point where I could only handle the natural stress your body has in going through a normal day and really nothing more beyond that.  So, I went into this trip, trusting Jesus, it was all I could do.  I couldn’t control anything, in fact, I’ve never felt so weak and out of control in my entire life than I have over the past few years due to my health issues (i.e. miscarriage, pacemaker surgery, pacemaker revision surgery, and now the glands).  On the trip I had all sorts of stressful situations, especially getting there, which you can read about that crazy experience here.  I also experienced a lack of sleep due to the travel and very long days of ministry.  Yet, my blood sugar was good and I never had an issue with my sleep like I’d been having.  Never, not once.  As far as I am concerned that was a miracle of God.  Oh, and not to mention, my back pain somehow disappeared once I went on the trip.  Must have been a coincidence.  NOPE, it was God.  It was His hand, to His great glory.  Ever since I’ve been home I’ve been doing quite well.  In fact, Michael even told me he saw glimpses of the old me; which, I unfortunately paid for later!  

I really truly believe there was some spiritual warfare going on leading up to the trip to discourage me from going.  

Over this past year I’ve been seeking the Lord on my healing and He kept taking me to the book of Job.  In my stubbornness, I kept saying I don’t want to go to the book of Job.  I want to go to happier stories, like the woman who bleed for 12 years and after touching Jesus she was healed, or the crippled man Paul sees has the faith to be healed and commands him to stand and he does.  You know what though, all of these people who were healed had to suffer for years, I think we forget that when we read of their miraculous healing.  In Job’s case, Scripture tells us Satan was allowed to touch his body.  I take full responsibility for the sin that has brought on some of my health problems, but oh my, I have felt like Satan has been allowed to touch my body.  Now, Job was eventually restored, but before God healed Him He brought Him to a greater place of trust and surrender to who He was as God.  God humbled him, there would be no more questions and doubts Job would bring to God, but Job would now stand in awe of God. 

Now, I've got a road ahead of me still so I'm asking for your continued prayers, but I am standing in awe of God over this trip.  I love how God shows off and shows up in the moments that look the least hopeful and does something that can only be explained through Him.  Maybe that’s why He waits for those moments, because we’d take credit for it unless we knew we couldn’t have done it on our own?    

God may have some healing or blessings of some sort for you friend, but He may be calling you to follow Him into the unknown to a place of pure brokenness and dependence upon Him.  Just like Abraham who was called out of his own country and into one God would show him later (Gen. 12:1).  Or like Joshua and Caleb who believed God when the other 10 spies did not (Num. 13:26-33, 14:6-9).  God blessed Joshua and Caleb for their whole-hearted devotion to Him and gave them the victory—much later, in fact many years later. 

What have you been discouraged by?  A relational struggle?  Health problems?  Financial difficulties?  Some type of loss?  Closed doors?  Don’t you give up Beloved, that’s exactly what Satan wants you to do.  Don’t you do it, don’t you give him one inch of your freedom in Christ!  God has so much more for you, so much more peace and joy, freedom and hope through His Son Jesus.  “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:7  

Potatoes and Faith

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Heb. 11:1

 Ok, so I’ve been back to the doctor again.  Why?  Because I keep hitting road blocks.  I feel a bit schizophrenic at times.  One week, I’m good, the next I’m fatigued.  Good news from the doctor, my heart is fine and so is the pacemaker.  Not so good news, doctor thinks it’s something else that’s making me so tired.  Ok, so we’ve got a bit of a challenge, but nothing my God cannot handle. 

You know, I’m beginning to wonder if that energy that I know I felt back in May was a gift from God, a taste of the healing that would come.  A taste that keeps me going and knowing there’s something better for me.  I hardly remember it now, but I know it was there and I believe in His timing it will return.  I was hoping it would have been by now.  I was thinking it would return in no time.  But it didn’t. 

This is truly a season in my life where I am being called to persevere in faith.  Can I tell you, I’ve been discovering just how small my faith in God really is.  God has shown me my impatience, my stubbornness, my just plain lack of faith.  I am beginning to realize that all the more as I walk this path of desiring to be well.  My life is on hold.  Yes, I want to get on with my life.  But right now, I’m called to persevere in faith, by the power of Christ in me believing God for better things yet to come.  But right here, right now God has some work to do in my heart, so I open my hands to Him so He can do the work of redemption He needs to do in my heart and life.

Faith is not something that comes overnight friends; it takes time, and sometimes even takes years to grow in a certain area.  I was thinking about the idea of faith and it reminded me of something that happened at dinner tonight.  Michael and I were hungry hippos for dinner tonight so instead of putting the baked potato in the oven and waiting the hour it would take to cook I decided to nuke it in the microwave.  In a matter of minutes it was done!  Now, I never do this.  Why?  Because the taste of a microwaved potato is just not the same compared to one in the oven, but alas, I did it, for the sake of convenience, hunger and downright impatience!

I don’t want a microwavable faith.  I want a faith that when I’m hungry, I wait with patient hope for what is real.  Not reaching for a quick fix, but only Jesus Christ to satisfy my needs.  Because I don’t want a microwaved potato that doesn’t taste as good, but a real potato that has cooked over time with a crispy exterior and a smooth buttery interior.  I want the same for my faith.  I want a faith that has grown over time, which produces something beautiful, resembling that of Jesus Christ.  But that means it going to be a journey.  It’s going to take time and struggle as I am emptied of the sin and filled to the fullness of the measure of God! 

You know, I believe I will be well.  During the month of August I’m going to pray for healing.  Would you pray with me?

Gracious Father, I want a faith that is grown over time.  I want a faith that when my heart yearns for something more in life, doesn’t reach for anything other than You.  I want to learn to be content; I want to grow in patient hope and prayer.  I want to speak with greater faith and hope when I think about the condition of my health.  Jesus, I want You.  Be glorified in me. I entrust this work to your never-ending grace Amen. 

Pacemaker: The Ups and the Downs

6-3-12

So I’m tired again.  Thanks be to God not as bad as I did before the pacemaker, but I just feel worn out during the day.  I am not experiencing the alertness and energy as I was a couple of weeks ago.  The doctor made a change in my pacemaker due to the twitching sensation I was feeling in my chest and they warned me this change might cause me to become tired again.  Basically what they did was they turned off the part which tells the bottom chamber of the my heart to beat because the lead, which has my bottom chamber beat, was causing my muscle to twitch.  I went back on Tuesday to see if I could get this turned back on.  He informed me that in order to turn that part back on he would want to go back in and reposition the lead.  Which means more surgery.  I told him I’d deal with the twitching, but he doesn’t want to do that.  I can understand that.  So he made a small change, but from what I can tell it really hasn’t done anything.   I'm hoping to go back to the doctor ASAP to see what our next step is, whether it's surgery or not.  

I really just want to feel well.  I can’t even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to feel well for those couple of weeks.  It felt like I had my life back in so many ways.  At the same time though, it almost feels like it never happened.  It seems more like a dream than a reality.  I know God has something better for me; it’s a matter of being patient, of trusting, of believing by faith and not allowing this bump in the road to deter my focus on Jesus.  Easier said than done though, isn’t it?  It’s a daily battle of choosing to believe, and relying on the Holy Spirit for the grace to believe. 

There have been so many times of the recent months and days where I have had to make a very conscious decision to believe in the promises of God because of various things and circumstances in my life.  I wish I could tell you my faith has been as solid as a rock, but then I’d be lying.  I’ve had some tough days.  Why?  Well, I believe because I’ve allowed discouragement and despair to sicken my heart.  I have stayed in these places of self-defeat instead of proclaiming the Word of God in my life, and asking for the grace and mercy to believe in it even when my circumstances tell me differently.  So yesterday, I had to do some repenting of my unbelief.  You know what though; afterwards I did feel renewed in my faith.  God really can change us by His grace if we’d only turn to Him, repent, and ask.

So here’s what I came too yesterday, I can either wallow in self-pity or I can rise in Jesus’ Name believing in His power to overcome my emotions.  I can walk by faith and I can walk in victory.  Not by my power, but by the work of Christ in me, I can.  God has a purpose for us in these times of testing and trial.  Believe it or not, He does it because He loves us and longs to produce in us a harvest of righteousness which bears fruit in Him.  Satan would love us to believe the opposite.  My friends, “Resist him, standing firm in the faith,” (1 Pet. 5:9a).  Whatever it is that you are going through, if your mind is being bombarded by unwanted thoughts, if your health is poor, your family is falling apart, do not allow the Enemy to take any inch of joy and peace which is yours in Jesus Christ! 

I read this yesterday as my spirit was wrestling, Rom. 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

God uses these times to produce something glorious in us, but we have to allow Him to do the work He needs to do.  He has greater work for us to do and greater work requires greater character. I was reading a book by Robert Morris, From Dream to Destiny, and he goes through this passage of scripture and said something which struck me.  He says our response to God through trail and waiting should be one of thanksgiving because “You have said that this is going to produce something good in me.  You have said that this will produce patience.  So when I come out of this trail, I am going to have more of the fruit of the Spirit, and I am going to look more like Jesus.” 

Father, forgive me.  Forgive me of allowing my heart to be sickened by despair.  How I long to look more like your Son.  This is the path You have chosen for me, forgive me for wanting it to come to a close quicker than You desire.  You still have work to do in me.  Thank you for loving me enough to make me more like your Son and produce perseverance, character, and hope in me.  Gracious Father, do the work you need to do and in the timing you need to do it.  Make me more like Your Son Jesus and grant me the patience and hope to persevere by faith.  Amen.