Our Pregnancy Story: A Birth I Couldn't Do

Ok people it’s birth story time…here’s just a little part of our story and the amazing things God did because I couldn't have.

On Monday the day before my due date Michael and I ventured up to Springfield to talk with my doctor and one of the things we discussed was an epidural because my chart said the high risk doctor wanted me to get an early epidural due to my pacemaker.  Call me crazy, but I didn’t want one.  I really wanted a vaginal, without epidural, and as minimal intervention childbirth as I possibly could.  So we talked about it, she talked with the high risk doc, and my cardiologist and EVERYONE said it would be okay for me not to get an epidural (so we thought).

BUT then came Wednesday, the day my water sprung a leak (no, it literally sprung a leak) and Michael and I went to the hospital.  The doctor came into the room, not the one I’d been seeing, but the one on call who would also be delivering the baby and tells me that they want me to have an epidural.  I then proceed to tell him about the conversation I JUST had with my doctor two days ago.  He informs me that he also spoke with all of my doctors again and everyone was of the opinion that I should have an epidural.  Okay, now I’m confused, and frankly angry.  Picture it with me people, I’m sitting on my birth ball, rocking away, crying because this doctor is telling me that I now have to have an epidural and I would only be allowed 30 minutes of pushing time because of my pacemaker.  Did you know the average first time Mom pushes 1 to 2 hours?  Awesome, 30 minutes, when my doctor and I discussed it earlier and she said I could push for up to 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Now, I know Rachel Ray can whip up a meal in 30 minutes, but we are talking babies here people, not chicken marsala!

Anyways, I think the tears may have swayed my doctor a bit because he told me that if I could keep my heart rate under 100 and push for 30 minutes he would let me do it without the epidural.  This also meant I would have to labor down as long as possible, which just means I’d have to wait for Gabriel to get as low as he could in the birth canal so I wouldn’t have to push as long.  That just means I could be fully dilated for quite some time without being able to push.  Wow, okay, labor without pain meds and keep my heart rate under 100, while laboring down, and only pushing for 30 minutes. 

I KNEW I COULDN’T DO IT. 

Yep, I couldn’t, I had to have God’s strength.  I always knew I couldn’t give birth without God’s help, but now I really needed some divine intervention. 

My doula, who was awesome and loves Jesus prayed with us and we asked God for His help.  Folks, let me tell you, He showed up!  

There was one time my heart rate went over 100, and that was when my family walked in the room.  It startled me and sent my heart rate into the 100’s.  Other than that, even in the most intense part of labor my heart rate stayed under 100.  Now, I just don’t know how that happened, unless God was behind it all. 

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!  It’s now pushing time.  Remember, I’ve got 30 minutes.  The doctor decided to have me push through every other contraction though, so I’d push and then breathe through the next.  That was fun (enter sarcastic tone here).  While that was difficult I think it worked to my advantage and the doc gave me some grace because it took about 40 minutes total with about 20 minutes of actual pushing time for me to get Gabriel out.  Once he crowned, I’m not kidding, on the next set of pushing he literally flew out all at once.  He must've known we didn't have much time left. ;)  (*update 3/25/15) My Doula told me that right after I gave birth my heart rate went above 100.  It's true, I actually have a picture of my husband holding Gabriel and my heart rate is 122 and that was minutes after I had given birth.  Wow, now that's just the Lord, there's no other way to explain it! 

(Heart rate at 122 after delivery)

I remember praying through this time, and just hearing from the Lord to rest knowing He was right there.  He sure was and He showed up big.  I just love it when He does this because I know I could not have done this alone, He did it and He deserves all the glory! 

Our beloved Gabriel is an answer to our many prayers.  In August of 2009 Michael and I started praying for a child, and on August 20^th, 2014 God granted our request.  What a great God we serve!

Learning to See my Desires Through His Eyes

Ever since high school, I’ve had this desire to be a missionary. Somewhere along the line, I went on a short-term cross-cultural mission trip and got “hooked on missions” and have been ruined ever since. I’ve done everything I could think of to “become” a missionary. I went to a Christian college and took all the missions classes offered while getting a degree in something practical (nursing) so I would have marketable skills if God called me to a creative-access country. I went on multiple short-term trips to see if there was a specific place I felt like God was leading me. I signed up for an eleven-month trip to quite a few places because I thought surely God wouldn’t let me go all the way around the world and not bring me back to one of them. I came home from that trip unsure of my next steps, so I settled down, got a real job (which was actually a really good thing - it’s hard to do a lot in the nursing/medical world when you have no experience. and there’s something about obedience), and tried to adjust to “normal American life.”

The problem was, I wasn’t cut out for normal American life.

I wasn’t satisfied with the place God had put me. I had this itch that wasn’t getting scratched and this void that wasn’t being filled.

After a season of obedience to the mundane, I decided it was time. I figured God hadn’t given me this desire for nothing - He had to have something in store for me. So, I quit my job, packed all my stuff back into my car, moved it back across the country to my parents’ house, and headed back overseas for what I thought was “it” - the time I was finally going to be a missionary.

Except it wasn’t quite that smooth or planned out long-term. I signed up for a short-term assignment with an organization as a “test the waters” gig, so I had no long-term commitment. The country I headed to was in political turmoil (my organization actually called me a few days before I was scheduled to leave, unsure if I should even go because of everything that was going on). My three-month commitment turned into only 5 weeks because of aforementioned turmoil, and then faster than I even knew, I was back in the US. I felt like I failed.

So I did what any sane person who wants to be a missionary would do - I found a different country with different people and a different organization and a completely different strategy and planned to move there instead. I signed up for a two-year commitment with a team of 4 other women, and moved to said country less than a year later with three of those women (through various circumstances, one had dropped out of training and preparing before we left). I was living the life I thought I always wanted, the life I felt like God had picked out for me over 10 years before. Guess what, though - it didn’t work. I ended up back in the US after only 6 months. I felt like I failed. Again. I felt like I missed what God was saying to me, like I missed the calling He placed on my life.

I felt like this desire I felt God had given me to “be a missionary” was never going to be met.

But maybe, just maybe, I missed something long before that. Maybe I missed what it meant when He called me to be a “missionary” in the first place. See, I thought He gave me that desire so I could magically transform into this saintly person who lived in some really cool place overseas and help fix people’s problems, and that hadn’t happened.

But maybe what God was calling me to wasn’t so far off from what He’d brought me through; I just needed a perspective shift. Maybe it wasn’t that I heard Him wrong, but that I got my definitions messed up a little.

See, He’s met so many of the desires He’s given me, even if they weren’t quite how I envisioned them.

He met my desire to live and serve overseas (and has provided me with the opportunity to call multiple places home for a month or more).

He met my desire to travel as well as experience new cultures (and try my hand at learning new languages).

He met my desire to mold together my gifts and abilities with serving Him (nursing and loving people well go hand-in-hand in my book).

He met my desire to have a family I can call my own (even if they are of all ages and nationalities and scattered across the whole entire world).

He met my desire to grow in my relationship with Him and my unspoken desire to trust Him more (and honestly, that’s been one of the hardest, because I didn’t think I needed as much growth as He’s provided).

He met my desire to continue to learn about the world and the people that He has placed on my heart by allowing me to enroll in classes and read textbooks while I’m here in the USA (and hopefully someday He’ll allow me the opportunity to take what I’ve learned practically and put it to use experientially, meeting people where they are).

See, it’s not about Him not fulfilling the desires He gave me.

It’s about me realizing that I need to look at my desires through His eyes instead of my own. They’re desires that He has given me, so obviously He has the best perspective on how they’re going to be fulfilled.

And yeah, I don’t have it all figured out yet. I’m still sitting on my nice couch in my nice house in my nice suburb and wondering what in the world I’m doing; and maybe someday I’ll get to understand the process He’s taking me through, but for now, I get to keep working through all those “unmet” desires and see how He’s working.

Bio & Disclaimer:

Becky is a single 20-something who’s not sure if she’ll ever get married or have her own kids (but that’s another “unmet desire” for another day, and God’s working on her heart with that too). She currently works as a school nurse for an inner-city district (which is not all “putting bandaids on boo-boos” - sometimes she has to save lives!), she loves to run and got hooked on distance running about a year ago with her first 25K race (she’s done a full- and half-marathon since and is running another 25K in a couple weeks), and she likes to travel to anywhere on a plane, train, bus, or hiking trail can get her. Oh, and she loves Jesus with all her heart and has been on a crazy journey of trust with Him for as long as she can remember.

Also, she doesn’t really like the “m-word” and tries not to use it when talking about herself. See, she’s still pretty sure she’s going to end up in one of those creative-access places where that word isn’t allowed, and that just wouldn’t go over well. So please don’t link this to her blog or facebook page. Just be careful with how you share it, okay?

When God Seems Silent

Has God ever seemed distant or maybe silent in your life?  Are you experiencing a personal trial or can remember a time of struggle where God seemed distant?

In the Bible there was a period of 400 years that passed between the Old and New Testaments where God was 'silent.'  Yes, 400 years of waiting for God’s people. We think we’ve got it bad when we have to wait in line at the grocery because once again we got in the line that doesn’t move.  Now, in all seriousness though, there are times and seasons in our lives when God does seem distant (though He is closer than we know) and we wonder what in the world He is up too.   Anybody?

Watch this though, 400 years passed and finally we learn from the book of Luke that some things are beginning to happen.  Really good things.   God took an outwardly hopeless situation and He did what can be called--a reversal.  It’s His specialty really, because out of this seemingly hopeless situation, He starts to enfold the greatest announcement in all of history.  I think someone just needs to hear that.  Think about it; 400 years had passed, that is a very long time to wait!   Yet, out of this period of silence came our Messiah, The Lord Jesus Christ. 

Friends, we serve a God who thrives in turning hopeless situations into something quite redemptive.   Maybe you are waiting for a promise of God.  Perhaps you’ve prayed the same prayer for months and possibly even years.  Friends, we can trust Him.  Look what it says in Galatians 4:4, “But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship (emphasis added by me).”  What does this mean? It means God knew exactly what He was doing in that 400 years.  He had an appointed time for His Son and you better believe He has a timing for you and all of history.  My friends worship the King today, worship Him because He is at work, even though you cannot see it, He is and His plan is good!  Don't give up on God and your seemingly hopeless situation, you never know what He is up too!  

His Compassions Never Fail

Throughout this pacemaker/ healing journey, I’ve been asking the Lord for patience, perseverance and hope.  I feel like yesterday I got a special blessing, an “I’ve got things under control reminder.”  I love those moments in our walk with JesusJ.     

As you all know, this journey has been a difficult one physically, spiritual and emotionally for me.  Yesterday I was so very blessed by the Lord as I sat down to read His Word on two separate occasions.  Both times I laid my Bible on my lap and opened it up to the same page, Lamentations Ch.3.  I meditated on and had memorized a part of this chapter in the past so I had some verses underlined in my Bible.  I re-read those verses and was reminded God’s love and greatness in my present circumstance.   Here’s what I read: Lam. 3:22-26

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

 I was greatly struck by v. 24 “I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”  The Author of Lamentations traditionally believed to be the prophet Jeremiah, more than likely penned this book after Jerusalem’s fall to Babylon.  This was a dark and hopeless time for God’s people, but the prophet Jeremiah had the faith to proclaim the Lord’s goodness even in the midst of such perilous times.  Today I am making a choice to be like Jeremiah and proclaim the Lord’s love and compassion until my hearts believes it.  God is all about redemption.  He’s all about taking broken messed up people like me and you and making us whole.  One day my body will see no decay.  One day I will have a heart that works without the aid of a pacemaker.  This is the everlasting hope we have in Jesus Christ. 

 Here’s the cool thing though.  When I opened my Bible later in the day and it randomly fell again to this very same passage I saw something that I didn’t take note of before. This time I looked up to v. 19-21. 

      I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

              and therefore I have hope:

 Isn’t it marvelous that the Bible is full of real people who experienced real emotions!  I love it!  Yes, at times, when I recall all I’ve been through lately my soul becomes saddened, but here’s what hit me square in the head as I read this:  “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.”  What do I call to mind? Why do I have hope? Read v. 22-24 again.  The Lord’s love, compassions, and faithfulness.  So, when I or you put on our sad pants, it’s so utterly vital that we recall the Lord’s goodness and scriptures just like these.  Friends, I can tell you that I have quoted various scriptures and have not believed them in my heart but I think that by the gracious working of the Holy Spirit verses like these are starting to grow roots of faith and hope!  My heart is changing, in more ways than one, to the glory of God!   

Keep reading the Word.  Keep memorizing it.  Keep quoting the scriptures that speak to your own bitterness and pain.  Ask God to make them alive in you.  Don’t give up.  You have a mighty warrior fighting for you, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will equip You with the strength to keep moving forward.  Fear not Beloved.  Fear not. 

Father of compassion and grace we thank You and praise You for who You are.  We believe You are at work, even in our darkness and pain.  Grant us the faith to persevere and the hope to keep moving forward with Your Son Jesus.  We remember our pain, but find hope in Your Word and faithfulness throughout our lives.  It no longer reigns over us, for we are consumed by Your great love.  Lord change us by Your Word and Spirit.  We love you.  Amen.