Our Pregnancy Story: A Birth I Couldn't Do

Ok people it’s birth story time…here’s just a little part of our story and the amazing things God did because I couldn't have.

On Monday the day before my due date Michael and I ventured up to Springfield to talk with my doctor and one of the things we discussed was an epidural because my chart said the high risk doctor wanted me to get an early epidural due to my pacemaker.  Call me crazy, but I didn’t want one.  I really wanted a vaginal, without epidural, and as minimal intervention childbirth as I possibly could.  So we talked about it, she talked with the high risk doc, and my cardiologist and EVERYONE said it would be okay for me not to get an epidural (so we thought).

BUT then came Wednesday, the day my water sprung a leak (no, it literally sprung a leak) and Michael and I went to the hospital.  The doctor came into the room, not the one I’d been seeing, but the one on call who would also be delivering the baby and tells me that they want me to have an epidural.  I then proceed to tell him about the conversation I JUST had with my doctor two days ago.  He informs me that he also spoke with all of my doctors again and everyone was of the opinion that I should have an epidural.  Okay, now I’m confused, and frankly angry.  Picture it with me people, I’m sitting on my birth ball, rocking away, crying because this doctor is telling me that I now have to have an epidural and I would only be allowed 30 minutes of pushing time because of my pacemaker.  Did you know the average first time Mom pushes 1 to 2 hours?  Awesome, 30 minutes, when my doctor and I discussed it earlier and she said I could push for up to 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Now, I know Rachel Ray can whip up a meal in 30 minutes, but we are talking babies here people, not chicken marsala!

Anyways, I think the tears may have swayed my doctor a bit because he told me that if I could keep my heart rate under 100 and push for 30 minutes he would let me do it without the epidural.  This also meant I would have to labor down as long as possible, which just means I’d have to wait for Gabriel to get as low as he could in the birth canal so I wouldn’t have to push as long.  That just means I could be fully dilated for quite some time without being able to push.  Wow, okay, labor without pain meds and keep my heart rate under 100, while laboring down, and only pushing for 30 minutes. 

I KNEW I COULDN’T DO IT. 

Yep, I couldn’t, I had to have God’s strength.  I always knew I couldn’t give birth without God’s help, but now I really needed some divine intervention. 

My doula, who was awesome and loves Jesus prayed with us and we asked God for His help.  Folks, let me tell you, He showed up!  

There was one time my heart rate went over 100, and that was when my family walked in the room.  It startled me and sent my heart rate into the 100’s.  Other than that, even in the most intense part of labor my heart rate stayed under 100.  Now, I just don’t know how that happened, unless God was behind it all. 

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!  It’s now pushing time.  Remember, I’ve got 30 minutes.  The doctor decided to have me push through every other contraction though, so I’d push and then breathe through the next.  That was fun (enter sarcastic tone here).  While that was difficult I think it worked to my advantage and the doc gave me some grace because it took about 40 minutes total with about 20 minutes of actual pushing time for me to get Gabriel out.  Once he crowned, I’m not kidding, on the next set of pushing he literally flew out all at once.  He must've known we didn't have much time left. ;)  (*update 3/25/15) My Doula told me that right after I gave birth my heart rate went above 100.  It's true, I actually have a picture of my husband holding Gabriel and my heart rate is 122 and that was minutes after I had given birth.  Wow, now that's just the Lord, there's no other way to explain it! 

(Heart rate at 122 after delivery)

I remember praying through this time, and just hearing from the Lord to rest knowing He was right there.  He sure was and He showed up big.  I just love it when He does this because I know I could not have done this alone, He did it and He deserves all the glory! 

Our beloved Gabriel is an answer to our many prayers.  In August of 2009 Michael and I started praying for a child, and on August 20^th, 2014 God granted our request.  What a great God we serve!

5 Steps for Suffering Well

Suffering well.  Phhh…this is not my expertise.  It’s been a ginormous growing edge for me.  God has taken me on a pretty crazy journey to teach me a little bit more about suffering well.  Here are some of the practical insights He has taught me during this time. 

1.     Grieve our Loss, Both Big and Small.  Whether it’s losing a limb, a job, your temper or growing up without a mom or dad—it is vital we grieve it all.   It’s how we move on.   Ask the Lord to show you some of the pain you may have buried and not processed through so you can move on into deeper freedom with Christ. 

2.     Perspective is HUGE.  Sometimes when life gets tough, the only thing we can see is the negative present pain.  Yet, I’ve found that God’s grace is so abundant in our suffering.  Ask God to help you see your life from His perspective, an eternal perspective that sees both the really awesome stuff and the really painful stuff in proper balance. 

3.     Faith in His Word.  God has given us His Word of Truth in the Bible and He tells us that suffering and pain leads to good things, really good things.  Things like hope, love, and a more mature complete faith--suffering is how we become more like Christ.  Not only that but that He has a purpose for our lives, and it is good.  So, from God’s perspective suffering and pain is actually a good thing and not something to avoid (wrap your mind around that one!).  Ask God to grow your faith in His Word concerning your pain and loss. 

4.     Contentment, Joy, and Praise.  It really can happen in the midst of loss. We can be content, joyful people who are bent on praise, but it will take a very conscious choice to be this type of person.  Beloved, I am convinced of this, there is some deep freedom when we praise God through pain.  I admit though, this has been a big growing edge for me...my emotions have a way of guiding me.  I’m asking God to change my attitudes and to help me be a person of praise and thanksgiving in all circumstances.  Won’t you?

5.     Jesus is Enough.  This one is BIG.   Some things we loss, we may never get back.  We can live aching for what we’ve lost, but I believe God desires for us to come to His Son to find He really is enough for us.  I think it’s one of the main reasons He allows loss and suffering, He desires for us to come to Him in desperation for our well-being like never before.  His love, forgiveness and grace are what really sustain us.  Ask the Lord to help you turn to Him for inner peace and satisfaction so you may find that He is more than enough for you. 

Failure, Shame, and Disgrace…Oh My!

 Have you ever felt like a failure or felt a sense of shame and disgrace?  I know I have.  If I were a betting gal I’d bet that you have too.  Satan LOVES to fill our hearts with shame, failure, and disgrace.  Why?  Because he wants to fill us with so much despair that we give up.  Give up on what?  On the calling and destiny that God has for us in our marriages, families, spheres of influence, ministry, health, etc. 

Recently I was wrestling with my own sense of failure and disgrace and the Lord took me too Isaiah 54.  Here’s what God says about His people who have suffered and felt destitute like the barren woman who can have no children.  Watch this in v. 2-3, “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.  For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.” 

Feel like a failure?  Ever felt like that destitute, barren woman?  I have, not only physically but spiritual and emotionally.  YET, God says to us stretch out your tent.  Aka, DON’T GIVE UP!  In fact, we are called to expand and be strengthened.  What calling has God placed on your life, what dream in your heart?  There’s comes a time when we need to take a risk and stretch out our tent.    

As we walk in humble obedience before the Lord, in His gracious timing He will restore us and take our disgrace.  Often times God allows us to experience failure, shame, and disgrace in order to grow us into the person He desires us to be.  He is preparing us for our destiny, stripping us of ourselves to fill us with more of His Son.  So, Beloved, you keep pressing on because God is working in you to build perseverance, faith, and ultimately the character of Jesus. 

I often wonder how much shame Moses, David, Hannah, Mary, Joseph, Paul, and Peter felt.  Yet, God used them in some pretty powerful ways! 

Running Away: It's Time to Come Home

"Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay" Hab. 2:3

Was there ever a time in your childhood when you felt like running away?  Perhaps you almost did; you got the letter ready, packed a PB n J, and your favorite toy to discover you were too afraid to do it?  You knew it wasn’t a good idea, you’d be leaving a place of shelter, a family who loved you, and what would you eat tomorrow? 

As I reflect upon my life and the most difficult season of life to date which began towards the end of 2010, there have been many times where I felt like running away.  Why?  Because life didn’t go like I wanted it to nor expected it to go.  It was so much harder than I expected.  It seemed like every time I’d get somewhere or do something I’d have a setback or two follow me.  I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  It’s like God was taking me on a journey where I’d long to do things but for the life of me, I could not make them happen.  Have you ever been there?  In a place where it feels like things just are not going right?  As I reflect on this season of my life, I know all along God was trying to get my attention and bring me to a place of deeper trust and rest, to empty me of my own self-sufficiency, plans, and independence.  I was learning what it means to really praise God for His love, and not how He lives up to my expectations.  Wow, that sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

On this journey I have felt useless, embarrassed, defeated, out of control, weak, frustrated, fed-up, tired, and just plain done.  I wonder if anyone else ever has?  Yep, that’s called the stripping process.  It’s not easy, in fact, it’s very painful, but it is the redemption my sinful heart needs.  I’m so glad that the Lord disciplines those He loves, that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us, that God always leads us in triumphal processions in Christ, that it is God who works in me to will and act according to His good purpose, and that the God of all grace, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast (Heb. 12:6, Rom. 8:18, 2 Cor. 2:14, Phil. 2:13, 1 Peter 5:10). 

Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle.  He does.  Whoever told you He doesn’t, lied.  Trust me, there have been days where it has been too much for me.  You see, it’s about God bringing us to a place where we say, I get it, I can’t do it on my own, and I need You.  I just need You.  What is it about the Lord my friends, He really is that Rock that will never fail us, a constant help in times of trouble.  He stands up to His Word Beloved!  He is more than enough for us.  I never realized how sinful, so full of pride and selfishness I was before God took me on my journey to brokenness.  I’m so glad He did, because now we can get rid of that and get more of Jesus.  Hallelujah! 

I love Jesus and I CANNOT live without Him.  I’ll fall to pieces.  I can live without my sin--my pleasures, my comforts; my plans BUT I CANNOT live without Jesus.  What about you?  Are you falling to pieces?  Let God put you back together.  Have you run away from God or your responsibilities?  It could be an emotional abandonment.  We don’t physically have to leave something to have actually left it.  Come back to the Father like the prodigal son to find grace, healing, and forgiveness.  God may ask you or He may just take your comforts from you.  Give it to Him, I have a feeling it’s much easier than it being stripped from you.  It’s not worth holding on to.  It won’t bring your heart freedom, but the Lord Jesus can and does.  So why not come home to the Father?   

We serve a God of redemptive grace my friends, even in the midst of life’s most terrible, frustrating storms He gives us glimpses of His grace.  As I reflect further on this season I have also seen the hand of God move to protect me, sustain me, and grant me grace after grace.  Even more recently, I have seen the hand of God move graciously on my behalf to bring restoration to my body with my recent pregnancy and blood pressure that is finally back to normal.  I’m still praying for more restoration, but in the meantime, I’m learning to rest in my Father who sees and is more than enough for me!    

The State of my Health Address: Enough

I never would have expected the journey God has taken me on over the past three years concerning my health, my mind, my walk with Him, and really so many other things—some of which are personal and quite dear to my heart (you don’t need to know all of my business anyways;)).  Following Jesus over the past three years has not been easy, it’s been hard.  It’s been a choice in so many ways for me, not a feeling, but a choice to trust and believe God even when I may not understand it.  Especially in the moments where I wanted to serve Him more, but I couldn’t because physically I wasn’t able.  What a much-needed humbling experience this has been for me.  I can’t even begin to express to you all God has done in me through this.  And now, by the grace of God, I believe He has brought me to a much better place of acceptance and praise, with the understanding He is good, Sovereign and has a plan that reaches beyond anything I can seeJ.   My faith is becoming something I know personally, and not just something I read about it.

On this journey, I’ve experienced ups and downs, but through it all Christ has remained constant.  In the moments where I have just wanted to throw in the towel, I hear the sweet whisper of the Holy Spirit calling me to keep moving forward.  Yes, I’ve experienced a level of suffering and surrender I have not known until now, but for the sake of Christ, know it has been redemptive!  That’s why I want to share this blog with you, because I believe God has allowed me to suffer for His glory--and my own freedom.  He has allowed some things to be removed from me, some for a time, others maybe forever, and, oh yeah; He has allowed me to experience the consequences of my own sin.  Can I tell you, it is hard, so hard, because I’m realizing just how broken I am.  I have never in my life realized just how much I need Jesus. 

Here’s the great thing about God though, because in my brokenness I have realized just how sufficient Christ Jesus is.  Jesus is enough.  Though I’ve been stripped of things, some of which are very good things; I have come to a place where I can say, Jesus is enough and He is really what my heart is crying out for.   He is beyond sufficient to meet my needs.  I’ve found in the quiet moments with God what I really want is more of Him.  Isn’t this the journey God desires to take us on?  A journey were we are so fed up with our trips to the pit we dig for ourselves that we say—Jesus, make me well, I just want You.   Like the man who had been sick for 38 years whom Jesus asked if he wanted to be well?  Isn’t it odd Jesus asks this man if he wants to be well?  I wonder if we really want to be well or if we want our way, our self-sufficiency and in essence our sickness.  Maybe we’d like to think we can have both.  I know my actions have shown the latter.

Beloved, God is so patient and kind.  He can restore anything and anyone who would turn to Him for healing.  Let go of the resentment, stop fighting for answers and fall at the feet of Jesus, confessing your own unbelief.  He really is enough!  Seek Him like never before and you will not be disappointed!  He has a plan for your life and it is good.  You can stay in your bondage or you can trust that God will set you free through your own pain and suffering.  “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” (Romans 8:18)  Friends, as believers in Christ, we have this hope.  Our struggle is actually an avenue to our freedom in Christ.  I’m choosing to trust God with my pain knowing He is using it to free me and bring me into fuller intimacy with His Son.  How about you?