Our Pregnancy Story: A Birth I Couldn't Do

Ok people it’s birth story time…here’s just a little part of our story and the amazing things God did because I couldn't have.

On Monday the day before my due date Michael and I ventured up to Springfield to talk with my doctor and one of the things we discussed was an epidural because my chart said the high risk doctor wanted me to get an early epidural due to my pacemaker.  Call me crazy, but I didn’t want one.  I really wanted a vaginal, without epidural, and as minimal intervention childbirth as I possibly could.  So we talked about it, she talked with the high risk doc, and my cardiologist and EVERYONE said it would be okay for me not to get an epidural (so we thought).

BUT then came Wednesday, the day my water sprung a leak (no, it literally sprung a leak) and Michael and I went to the hospital.  The doctor came into the room, not the one I’d been seeing, but the one on call who would also be delivering the baby and tells me that they want me to have an epidural.  I then proceed to tell him about the conversation I JUST had with my doctor two days ago.  He informs me that he also spoke with all of my doctors again and everyone was of the opinion that I should have an epidural.  Okay, now I’m confused, and frankly angry.  Picture it with me people, I’m sitting on my birth ball, rocking away, crying because this doctor is telling me that I now have to have an epidural and I would only be allowed 30 minutes of pushing time because of my pacemaker.  Did you know the average first time Mom pushes 1 to 2 hours?  Awesome, 30 minutes, when my doctor and I discussed it earlier and she said I could push for up to 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Now, I know Rachel Ray can whip up a meal in 30 minutes, but we are talking babies here people, not chicken marsala!

Anyways, I think the tears may have swayed my doctor a bit because he told me that if I could keep my heart rate under 100 and push for 30 minutes he would let me do it without the epidural.  This also meant I would have to labor down as long as possible, which just means I’d have to wait for Gabriel to get as low as he could in the birth canal so I wouldn’t have to push as long.  That just means I could be fully dilated for quite some time without being able to push.  Wow, okay, labor without pain meds and keep my heart rate under 100, while laboring down, and only pushing for 30 minutes. 

I KNEW I COULDN’T DO IT. 

Yep, I couldn’t, I had to have God’s strength.  I always knew I couldn’t give birth without God’s help, but now I really needed some divine intervention. 

My doula, who was awesome and loves Jesus prayed with us and we asked God for His help.  Folks, let me tell you, He showed up!  

There was one time my heart rate went over 100, and that was when my family walked in the room.  It startled me and sent my heart rate into the 100’s.  Other than that, even in the most intense part of labor my heart rate stayed under 100.  Now, I just don’t know how that happened, unless God was behind it all. 

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!  It’s now pushing time.  Remember, I’ve got 30 minutes.  The doctor decided to have me push through every other contraction though, so I’d push and then breathe through the next.  That was fun (enter sarcastic tone here).  While that was difficult I think it worked to my advantage and the doc gave me some grace because it took about 40 minutes total with about 20 minutes of actual pushing time for me to get Gabriel out.  Once he crowned, I’m not kidding, on the next set of pushing he literally flew out all at once.  He must've known we didn't have much time left. ;)  (*update 3/25/15) My Doula told me that right after I gave birth my heart rate went above 100.  It's true, I actually have a picture of my husband holding Gabriel and my heart rate is 122 and that was minutes after I had given birth.  Wow, now that's just the Lord, there's no other way to explain it! 

(Heart rate at 122 after delivery)

I remember praying through this time, and just hearing from the Lord to rest knowing He was right there.  He sure was and He showed up big.  I just love it when He does this because I know I could not have done this alone, He did it and He deserves all the glory! 

Our beloved Gabriel is an answer to our many prayers.  In August of 2009 Michael and I started praying for a child, and on August 20^th, 2014 God granted our request.  What a great God we serve!

Short Changed

 I have been thinking lately about what it means to really have Jesus as Lord.  Could it be that we love to have Jesus as Savior, but the Jesus as Lord part makes us a little uncomfortable?  Maybe our intentions our good, and we totally desire to have Jesus as Lord, but without knowing it we neglect His Lordship.  Think about it like this.  If Jesus asked you to give up your job, would you do it?  What about your home?  Your plans?  Your schedule?  Your comfort?  Jesus tells us that to follow Him means to deny ourselves (Luke 9:23) Remember the story of the rich young ruler who obeyed all the commandments, but when Jesus told him to give all he had to the poor, he went away sad?  Could it be that this man misunderstood what it meant to follow Jesus?  Perhaps he thought it meant special privileges or honor of some sort.  Yet, Jesus tells the man that honor and privilege would be found in giving all to follow Him.   

Following Jesus means complete and total surrender.  God does not do this because He is some unjust ruler.  No, He does it because He knows that in our letting go, in our surrender, there is complete and total freedom.  He does it out of love and He is more in love with you that you could ever imagine.  He wants you, ALL of you.

If we don’t surrender to only cling to our own life, we will end up expending far too much energy in working against our freedom in Christ instead of working towards our freedom in Christ.  Not to mention it is just down right sin and an offense to God.  Yep, it is.  When we think we can have all the treasures and blessings of God through His Son, yet skip out on surrendering all of ourselves—we are only deceived.  Because, frankly, we do not have all the treasures and blessings of God if we have not completely and totally abandoned our entire being to the Lord Jesus.    

He’s calling for you.  What is holding you back?

The State of my Health Address: Setbacks

Living a life of faith and trust in God is tough, especially when things do not go your way.  Yes?  Now, could it be that God does not always give us what we want because He wants us to learn what it really means to walk by faith, to truly trust Him, and in doing so become more abandoned to Him?  Yah, I think so.  Stubborn people like me though do not give up easily, but the more I walk this journey the more I realize I cannot do it on my own.  I need Him. 

A few weeks ago I had more energy and was starting to feel better.  This was a great feeling.  I think I got ahead of myself though, well, I know I got ahead of myself and I overdid it.  It’s tough when you feel like you’re getting better because you want it just to snowball and snowball and snowball until you have the greatest most enormous snowball ever created (Well, at least that how my mind works).  But after that week of doing too much, I had a week where I just had to take time to recover because I was exhausted.  I felt like I had taken a step or two backwards and this only reminded me of how far I have to go on this journey of healing. 

I never would have thought I’d be at this place.  I’ve always been active.  I have, for the most part, always been able to do the things I want or need to do. I’ve always felt in control (Hmm…maybe that’s the issue).  I had a friend ask me one time in college what I would do when I get older, considering I liked to work out and run so much.  I said to her, well I will probably always do something, like walking, even when I am old.  Wow, well, God has definitely had other plans for me.  (Last blog update I talked about letting go of running).

I find this frustrating at times.  Why?  Because I want, but I just plain can’t have what I want, my body will not do what I want it to do.  I am not used to this.  So, I could crawl in my own little pit of pity and despair, complaining and grumbling because my life is not what I want it to be.  Nope.  Not me.  No more.  (Unfortunately, I have spent some time in this pit, and I don’t like it, it’s no fun and it does not get me anywhere but bitter and disappointed).  Words of wisdom: DO NOT go in this pit, put up the yellow caution tape, do whatever you have to do, but DO NOT go in this pit it is U-G-L-Y.  (Trust me, you will thank me later). J

I recently prepared a lesson I gave over Thanksgiving and in it I talked about the importance of having God’s perspective as opposed to our own little small me perspective.  It’s interesting how God usually gives us a message to impart to others that He is actually working in us to accomplish.  Yep, I am asking the Lord to change my perspective.  You know, until recently I have really felt at peace about my health and where I am at.  But after this week of recovery I found myself in a bit of a different state.

As I prayed and complained about this to the Lord asking for mercy, healing, and a faster recovery I kept hearing this verse come to my mind “Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me” Tell the Israelites to move on.” (Exodus 14:15)

Sigh. Ok Lord, I know, I get it, and I repent; no more complaining. It’s time to move on in faith (with Your help of course).

Our perspective really does make a difference.  I am asking God to give me His perspective when it comes to my health because if I do not live from His perspective I am going to be one sad kid.  His perspective tells me:  He has a plan.  I can trust Him. He is working in me for His glory and my good.  Through suffering and perseverance He is building the character of His Son in me.  He has done great things for me, and deserves my praise. Eternity is what matters, not the temporal.  Jesus endured and because He endured, through Him, I can too. Etc..

So as I continue to walk this road towards healing and you too walk your own path of healing maybe we can learn from each other.  I am learning just how small my faith is and how prone I am to wanting my own way.  So once again, I have got to lay it down.  So that is what I will do.  I will choose to believe, and I will choose to thank Him in advance.  Speaking words of faith instead of doubt, praise instead of complaining.  Relying not on my own power but the power of Christ in me.  Believing that through these acts of surrender He will restore my heart, my joy, my peace in Him. Because deep down inside I know He is working for my good, and I also know He has done so much for me it’s truly amazing.  He deserves my ceaseless praise, even if my life is not what I want or expect.  And even if He never did one more thing for me, I would still praise Him, why?  Because even though I don’t deserve it He willingly sent His Son for me and for you out of His amazing love and that my friends is worthy of praise.     

There’s a reason why I am still working through all of my health issues, God has got some character transformation to do in me and that’s a wonderfully beautiful thing. So once again I’ll submit.  I’ll let go. 

Gracious Father, I thank You and praise You for all You’ve done for me.  You have been gracious, loving, and more than patient with me.  Forgive me of my lack of faith and of wanting my own way.  Lord, I submit to the plans You have for me, though they may not be my plans, I believe they are for my good and most importantly Your glory.  I am not my own.  I am Yours.  As Mary responded to the Angel, so I respond:  “I am the Lord’s servant, Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Luke 1:38

How do you keep a positive perspective when life gets tough?  What is God doing in your own journey with Him?

Raise that Flag!

“We raise our white flags, we surrender all to you." Chris Tomlin

The ladies and I have been studying the life of Joseph for our women’s small group (join here).  Wow, there is so much we can glean from Joseph’s story.  I am struck by the overwhelming theme of preparation throughout this story.  God had to prepare Joseph for His destiny and He has to do the same with us.  This time of preparation was not an easy one; it was difficult, trying and I’m sure just plain confusing at times for Joseph.  Why so hard?  Well, I believe, because the “old self” (our controlling sinful nature) don’t just disappear in an instant! 

I heard it said once that, God is more concerned about the journey than He is the destination.  It is on the journey that we learn who God is, who we are, and just how much we need Him.  And somehow, some way when we learn to really walk with Jesus on this journey we find joy, hope, and peace that we have yet known.  Friends, we really can courageous unexplainable lives, which can only be explained with one word--GOD.  Ladies and gentlemen, our God is calling us to a deeper faith, a deeper surrender.  He’s on the move and it is preparation time.  I’m raising my white flag, how about you?   

Our Desire to Have a Child: Surrending

5-25-12

It was sometime around this time last year that Michael and I found out I was pregnant.  I cannot believe it’s been a year.  Retrospect is always a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  In looking back over this past year, I know God has been over all of this.  I cannot even begin to imagine what my pregnancy would have been like considering the unknown condition my heart was in.  For that we give God praise. 

So this should teach me something, right?  It should teach me and remind me that God is faithful, He has a plan, and He’s working it out.  Though we may not fully see or understand He knows what He is doing.  His way is best, even if it hurts.  I wish I could have such faith and trust that my heart would not waver in these times.  I know He is working it out, but there’s this wrestling going on deep inside of me.  I want, but God is telling me to trust and to wait and frankly I don’t want to wait at times.  I know I say this a lot, but it’s so true.  I cannot rely on my feelings but on the Word of God which tells me He has a plan.  He has proven Himself so very worthy of my trust time and time again in my life.   

 The Lord knows Michael and I’s desire to have a family.  We talk and pray about it often.  Over the very recent months I knew I was sick and deep down inside I knew it wasn’t the right time.  I didn’t know how bad it was, but God knew.  Glory to His Name I’m getting better and seeing progress.  So now that I am getting better it only seems like the perfect time to become pregnant.  It’s so hard to walk by faith when your heart hurts.  Anybody? God knows exactly what He is doing, but so often I want to run ahead of Him.  Maybe you know what I am talking about.  Maybe your heart longs for a child, relief from some type of physical/emotional suffering, a companion in life, your spouse to appreciate you, or the salvation of a loved one.  This list could go on and on.  We all have desires.   

I do not have all of this figured out.  My faith wavers.  I’m an emotional gal.  I have a longing in my heart and I need God’s grace to help me trust Him more and more with this longing.  Maybe you do too. 

So this is my prayer, perhaps you can pray it with me.  Lord Jesus, I surrender, I submit, I let go.  You know what I desire.  You’ve known it all along.  Nothing is hidden from your sight, not a hair on my head goes without being numbered.  You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  You know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper and not to harm.  I wait for You, my soul waits, and in Your Word I put my hope.  Hope does not disappoint, because You have poured out Your love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.  Your grace is sufficient for me; Your power is made perfect in weakness.  Father, when I am weak, You are strong.  Forgive me of my lack of faith.  In Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Amen.