Our Pregnancy Story: A Birth I Couldn't Do

Ok people it’s birth story time…here’s just a little part of our story and the amazing things God did because I couldn't have.

On Monday the day before my due date Michael and I ventured up to Springfield to talk with my doctor and one of the things we discussed was an epidural because my chart said the high risk doctor wanted me to get an early epidural due to my pacemaker.  Call me crazy, but I didn’t want one.  I really wanted a vaginal, without epidural, and as minimal intervention childbirth as I possibly could.  So we talked about it, she talked with the high risk doc, and my cardiologist and EVERYONE said it would be okay for me not to get an epidural (so we thought).

BUT then came Wednesday, the day my water sprung a leak (no, it literally sprung a leak) and Michael and I went to the hospital.  The doctor came into the room, not the one I’d been seeing, but the one on call who would also be delivering the baby and tells me that they want me to have an epidural.  I then proceed to tell him about the conversation I JUST had with my doctor two days ago.  He informs me that he also spoke with all of my doctors again and everyone was of the opinion that I should have an epidural.  Okay, now I’m confused, and frankly angry.  Picture it with me people, I’m sitting on my birth ball, rocking away, crying because this doctor is telling me that I now have to have an epidural and I would only be allowed 30 minutes of pushing time because of my pacemaker.  Did you know the average first time Mom pushes 1 to 2 hours?  Awesome, 30 minutes, when my doctor and I discussed it earlier and she said I could push for up to 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Now, I know Rachel Ray can whip up a meal in 30 minutes, but we are talking babies here people, not chicken marsala!

Anyways, I think the tears may have swayed my doctor a bit because he told me that if I could keep my heart rate under 100 and push for 30 minutes he would let me do it without the epidural.  This also meant I would have to labor down as long as possible, which just means I’d have to wait for Gabriel to get as low as he could in the birth canal so I wouldn’t have to push as long.  That just means I could be fully dilated for quite some time without being able to push.  Wow, okay, labor without pain meds and keep my heart rate under 100, while laboring down, and only pushing for 30 minutes. 

I KNEW I COULDN’T DO IT. 

Yep, I couldn’t, I had to have God’s strength.  I always knew I couldn’t give birth without God’s help, but now I really needed some divine intervention. 

My doula, who was awesome and loves Jesus prayed with us and we asked God for His help.  Folks, let me tell you, He showed up!  

There was one time my heart rate went over 100, and that was when my family walked in the room.  It startled me and sent my heart rate into the 100’s.  Other than that, even in the most intense part of labor my heart rate stayed under 100.  Now, I just don’t know how that happened, unless God was behind it all. 

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there!  It’s now pushing time.  Remember, I’ve got 30 minutes.  The doctor decided to have me push through every other contraction though, so I’d push and then breathe through the next.  That was fun (enter sarcastic tone here).  While that was difficult I think it worked to my advantage and the doc gave me some grace because it took about 40 minutes total with about 20 minutes of actual pushing time for me to get Gabriel out.  Once he crowned, I’m not kidding, on the next set of pushing he literally flew out all at once.  He must've known we didn't have much time left. ;)  (*update 3/25/15) My Doula told me that right after I gave birth my heart rate went above 100.  It's true, I actually have a picture of my husband holding Gabriel and my heart rate is 122 and that was minutes after I had given birth.  Wow, now that's just the Lord, there's no other way to explain it! 

(Heart rate at 122 after delivery)

I remember praying through this time, and just hearing from the Lord to rest knowing He was right there.  He sure was and He showed up big.  I just love it when He does this because I know I could not have done this alone, He did it and He deserves all the glory! 

Our beloved Gabriel is an answer to our many prayers.  In August of 2009 Michael and I started praying for a child, and on August 20^th, 2014 God granted our request.  What a great God we serve!

Our Pregnancy Story and the Fear of Loss

So, it happened.  I got scared.  I became afraid of losing our baby boy.  I talked about this fear before due to my miscarriage and how I was sure it would happen again sometime throughout the pregnancy.  Well it did.  It happened.  A few things led up to it, things out of my control.  Things that happened to others around me and this conversation at the doctors office 5 weeks ago…

“We couldn’t get a good look at his heart, but everything else looks fine.  If you didn’t have your appointment with Dr. Abrams (the high risk doctor) in two weeks we would have to do another ultrasound.”   

Trust me people when you’re a gal with a cardiac history, open-heart surgery at 11, and a pacemaker at 28—this is not something you enjoy hearing about your baby during their 20 week appointment.  I wanted to hear about his heart.  I wanted to know he had his dad’s heart and not his mom’s, but I couldn’t know I would have to wait.  Jesus, I trust You.

Thankfully, we went to the high-risk doctor two weeks later and our hearts were put at ease as we learned that our baby’s heart looked wonderful.   Thank You Jesus.  Deep breath. 

Yet, within those two weeks of waiting I can recall being overwhelmed with fear for a couple of days.  While meeting with a dear friend of mine I shared this fear, and let me tell you this friend of mine she is a prayer warrior.  We prayed together over this fear, and it was as if right there in that room Jesus lifted the fear right off of me.  By God’s grace, it’s been about a month since then and I haven’t felt the fear since. 

It tells us in James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Now, I wonder how often we don’t share the pain of our hearts out of fear and pride.  Go with me here.   Asking for prayer means that we have to be vulnerable and open ourselves up to the fact that we are weak.  That takes guts to do sometimes doesn’t it? 

The longer I walk with Jesus, the more I realize how much I need the prayers of other people.  By God’s grace I’m learning just how powerful it is to admit my weakness and need for prayer.  We need both individual and communal prayer. 

How about you?  Are you asking others for prayer or burying the cries of your heart?

The State of my Health Address: Conquered

It’s been just over a year now since I had both of my pacemaker surgeries.  I am still finding my strength, but as I reflect back on this time last year my heart is filled with gratitude.  There’s so much for me to be grateful for, so much.  I am thankful for the fact that I am not on a couch, I’m up, I’m moving around and I am getting stronger—to the glory of God.  I have found that I can do more, and have better focus throughout the day, slowly but surely I am making progress.  In the morning when I wake up or when I’m going on with my day and I see my pacemaker on my chest, or when I feel the twitching it causes at times—my heart fills with thanksgiving and I am humbled by the mercy of our gracious God. 

Sure, I have my moments; this process of getting better has its challenges.  I never realized how difficult and frustrating it would be to work towards building up my strength.  My adrenal/thyroid glands that aren’t working up to par have made it even more of a challenge, though thankfully they too are improving.  I’m learning to offer myself grace as I trust in the timing, strength, and perspective of God.  Yes, I’ve got a ways to go, but thanks be to God for how far we have come! 

What a humbling experience this has been for me.  I am fully convinced that the Lord has used this season in my life to humble me and for that I am grateful.  I have found a deep connection with the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:24-32 when he wrestled with God (many scholars believe this was actually the pre-incarnate Jesus).  One could say Jacob lived a pretty self-reliant life, mastering things in such a way to get what he wanted out of life.  At the end of the wrestling though Jacob is conquered, his name is changed, and he now walks with a limp.  I love what David Guzik says in his commentary:

“This is an invaluable place for everyone to come to: where God conquers us. There is something to be said for every man doing his “wrestling” with God, and then acknowledging God’s greatness after having been defeated. We must know we serve a God who is greater than us, and we cannot conquer much of anything until He conquers us.”

Jacob would walk with a limp for the rest of his life, a continual reminder that He was conquered by God.  What a gift.  I have prayed for God to conquer me, and you better believe this health journey has been a time where God has conquered me by showing me my own sinful heart, the self-reliance, and is stripping me of the pride that lies within to prepare me for the work He has for me in Him.  God has used this time in a redemptive way, isn’t that just like Him? 

Now, like Jacob, I have a reminder of God’s grace in my life, my pacemaker reminds me every day of the greatness of God, it humbles me reminding me of the frailty of life and of the fact I have been conquered by my God.  What a glorious place it is to be conquered by God, stripped of self-reliance and brought to a place of deeper trust, faith, and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ.

What are you personally struggling through?  How might God use it to conquer something in you and better prepare you for the work He has for you?

The Glory of Our Gracious God

I have wanted to write a blog like this for a while, but it wasn’t until I read a friend of mine’s blog this past week that I was greatly moved in my heart.  My friend actually lost his wife to a very short battle with brain cancer just over a year ago and his blog inspired me and challenged me in my own faith (you should read it).  No really, go read it.  I, myself, was hit with the question, am I really living in a way that says I trust God, believing He is sovereign, knowing His plans are best, and that my pain is an opportunity for God’s glory to be seen?  You see, I do believe that my pain is for a purpose, but I want to believe it even more, with greater faith and obedience.  I want to expect God’s glory. I want to want what God wants and not what Andrea wants. 

Over this past year the grace of God in my life has been absolutely amazing, I have so much to be thankful for.  Yes, I have had a lot of health problems and are still dealing with some.  I have come to realize though that if the Lord saw it fit for me to be restored to even better health then I would be, but something bigger is at stake, something beyond me; it is the glory of God.  So this year, I have decided that my aim will be the glory of God; the glory of God in each and every circumstance of my life.  That my constant prayer would be, Father, show me your glory through my own health struggles, and display Your glory through me so I might be a testimony of your love, grace, and faithfulness.  And even when I don’t see it grant me the faith to keep moving forward rejoicing in You.

The beautiful thing is when I take the time to reflect I can see the hand of God all throughout this past year.  I have seen the glory of the Lord at work and I think it is time to give God the praise He is due.  So here are a few things God has done over this past year (in no particular order):

1.       My heart is beating.

2.      My heart is beating.

3.      Did I mention my heart is beating?  Glory to God!  When I stop and ponder the depths of this reality I can do nothing but say, thank You Jesus!  Thank You Father for granting someone the knowledge to invent a pacemaker.  I am no longer dizzy, short of breathe, or experiencing palpitations.  Father, let it be to Your glory!

4.      My blood pressure reached over 100 just over a week ago.  It has been in the 80’s 90’s for probably a year.  This is a wonderful gift of grace!

5.      My husband is a gift of God’s grace, and he has been such a supportive rock for me during this time.  He is a gift of God’s grace to me.

6.      I had to quit my job over the summer because of my health.  God has provided for Michael and me in monetary ways we never could have expected.  Indeed, our Father takes care of His children!

7.      I found out my adrenal and thyroid glands are not working properly, which is why I am still tired and easily worn out.  I am seeing a holistic specialist and have seen improvements in my health.  Glory to God!

8.     I have truly come to the end of myself in different ways.  God has shown me my sin, my brokenness, and my areas I needed to surrender to Him.  This has been a freeing, empowering, humbling, amazingly good experience!  I believe my faith is becoming even more real, it’s growing roots. Glory to God! 

9.      In ministering to others I have found I am better able to sympathize and walk alongside of people in their own struggle because of my own experience.  This is a gift!

Yes, I have seen His glory at work and I am ready to watch it continue to unfold in my journey towards health—physical and spiritual.  All of these things listed above are all things to praise God about.  They are here to ignite my faith, and hopefully yours as we continue on in this New Year.  Yes, our God is faithful and true!  He can be trusted.  He is always at work in the lives of His children and it is always for His glory and our good.   He is worthy of our ceaseless praise.

My prayer is to be a woman of ceaseless praise; a woman that speaks words of faith, and desires God’s glory over her own comfort or will.  I’m here, in this season, for a reason beyond myself and I think that’s pretty awesome. 

Ps. 103:1-5

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

As you look back on this past year, what can you praise God for?  What is your hope for the New Year?

Potatoes and Faith

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Heb. 11:1

 Ok, so I’ve been back to the doctor again.  Why?  Because I keep hitting road blocks.  I feel a bit schizophrenic at times.  One week, I’m good, the next I’m fatigued.  Good news from the doctor, my heart is fine and so is the pacemaker.  Not so good news, doctor thinks it’s something else that’s making me so tired.  Ok, so we’ve got a bit of a challenge, but nothing my God cannot handle. 

You know, I’m beginning to wonder if that energy that I know I felt back in May was a gift from God, a taste of the healing that would come.  A taste that keeps me going and knowing there’s something better for me.  I hardly remember it now, but I know it was there and I believe in His timing it will return.  I was hoping it would have been by now.  I was thinking it would return in no time.  But it didn’t. 

This is truly a season in my life where I am being called to persevere in faith.  Can I tell you, I’ve been discovering just how small my faith in God really is.  God has shown me my impatience, my stubbornness, my just plain lack of faith.  I am beginning to realize that all the more as I walk this path of desiring to be well.  My life is on hold.  Yes, I want to get on with my life.  But right now, I’m called to persevere in faith, by the power of Christ in me believing God for better things yet to come.  But right here, right now God has some work to do in my heart, so I open my hands to Him so He can do the work of redemption He needs to do in my heart and life.

Faith is not something that comes overnight friends; it takes time, and sometimes even takes years to grow in a certain area.  I was thinking about the idea of faith and it reminded me of something that happened at dinner tonight.  Michael and I were hungry hippos for dinner tonight so instead of putting the baked potato in the oven and waiting the hour it would take to cook I decided to nuke it in the microwave.  In a matter of minutes it was done!  Now, I never do this.  Why?  Because the taste of a microwaved potato is just not the same compared to one in the oven, but alas, I did it, for the sake of convenience, hunger and downright impatience!

I don’t want a microwavable faith.  I want a faith that when I’m hungry, I wait with patient hope for what is real.  Not reaching for a quick fix, but only Jesus Christ to satisfy my needs.  Because I don’t want a microwaved potato that doesn’t taste as good, but a real potato that has cooked over time with a crispy exterior and a smooth buttery interior.  I want the same for my faith.  I want a faith that has grown over time, which produces something beautiful, resembling that of Jesus Christ.  But that means it going to be a journey.  It’s going to take time and struggle as I am emptied of the sin and filled to the fullness of the measure of God! 

You know, I believe I will be well.  During the month of August I’m going to pray for healing.  Would you pray with me?

Gracious Father, I want a faith that is grown over time.  I want a faith that when my heart yearns for something more in life, doesn’t reach for anything other than You.  I want to learn to be content; I want to grow in patient hope and prayer.  I want to speak with greater faith and hope when I think about the condition of my health.  Jesus, I want You.  Be glorified in me. I entrust this work to your never-ending grace Amen. 

Pacemaker: Surgery #2

You know, I never seem to do things easilyJ.  I suppose it’s these times in my life that make me who I am.  Right?  This experience at the hospital was different from the first but also similar in many ways.  I didn’t sleep like last time, but this time I didn’t faint.  We ran into the obstacles like the last experience but this time it was different, this time I had much more peace about it. 

The first and biggest obstacle was that the surgery did not fix the twitching issue.  I remember feeling the sensation again after the surgery, but I didn’t freak out or get upset.  Why?  Well, I believe because there were a lot of people praying for me and I took a different perspective on this hospital visit than the first, if you’ll remember from my last post I talked about allowing Christ to be my strength instead of me trying to be strong.  I really think this helped. 

But, I told my doctor I was having the issue again and he wanted me to just give it a little time because he thought for sure the surgery would have fixed the problem.  So we did, but then came obstacle #2.  I kept setting off the alarm at the nurses’ station!  I actually set it off three times.  Something in my pacemaker made my heart beat jump up after I would make a slight movement in my bed.  I would reposition myself in my bed and all of the sudden my heart would be up around 100-130 or so.  My nurse runs in and asks me if I’m okay and I was, but I felt the twitching much more during these episodes; it became more like a pounding sensation than a twitch that I could actually feel out of my chest. 

So after 3 times of this my nurse convinced my doctor at 10:30 pm to send someone from the pacemaker device clinic.  So this nice looking man came in and played around with my pacemaker on the computer and got it so it wouldn’t race anymore when I made a slight movement.  He tried to work out the twitching problem, but said a couple of his colleagues and the doctor would be in in the morning to see what we could do.  The doctor came in and he wanted to run some extra tests to see if my heart had enlarged like it did when I was 11 and that might be part of the problem.  Thankfully it hadn’t.  The right side was a bit larger but nothing to be concerned about.  So after some more playing around with the pacemaker on their little computer we got the pacemaker to a place where I no longer felt the twitching.  At least, I didn’t at the time.  I actually do feel it still when I lay down at times but it is faint and nothing compared to what it was.  However, my doctor said if it continued he would have to consult other doctors on this because he was stumped.  One of the device guys said I might be feeling it because I’m so young and have good nerves.  I don’t know.  Right now, I'm just going to tell him, I'll live with it! 

I’m thankful I was able to still go home the day after the surgery.  I’m still a bit tired but I can see myself gaining a little more strength each day.  I also do not have near the pain or swelling I have the first time.  This definitely makes things easier!  I’m hoping that within the next two weeks or so I’ll be back to experiencing the same levels of energy and alertness I was a few weeks ago when things were going well.

Michael and I greatly appreciate your prayers.  I truly believe prayer is powerful and does something!  God has been so good to us.  I can’t wait to be Andrea again…and even a better Andrea than before because God has taught me and done so much over the past few months in my heart and life.  I’m excited.  Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, I know He’s in control and I can trust Him along the way…even when surgeries don’t fix things.  J To God be the glory!

You Have My Permission

6-12-12

I am the type of person who does not like showing weakness.  I have wanted to be strong, or at least appear to be strong throughout this whole process of having surgery again.  But can I tell you the best thing a very dear friend told me was that I don’t have to be strong and it’s okay to fall apart.  Wow, I cannot even begin to express to you how freeing it was to be given permission to cry or do whatever I needed to do in that moment.  Trying to hold it all together is absolutely exhausting, but we do it more often than not.  Some of us have done it for so long; we don’t know any other way to live.  Unfortunately because we have lived so long in this place we do not have the emotional capacity to let others grieve and mourn through life’s pains. 

Why are we so afraid to experience the pain that comes with life’s challenges?  Could it be a fear of our own?  Pride(I think that’s my issue)?  But what about when it comes to others, maybe we just don’t like seeing others hurt.  Or perhaps if we allow others to be vulnerable it just might stir some emotion in us and we might appear “weak” to others.  Now I put weak in parentheses because in being real and honest about the sorrow we feel we are quite the opposite of weak.  No, to be real, to admit we are weak is actually to say we are strong.  I think this is what the Apostle Paul meant in 2 Cor. 12:10b “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”   Being sad or down about something doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, no, that is normal.  It is when we stay there that it becomes a problem.  And Jesus does not want you to stay there. 

But Jesus can’t put back together a heart that hasn’t been broken.  Let me reword that…Jesus cannot put back together a heart that has not acknowledged it is broken.  I would argue that 99.9% if not all of us have something that has broken our hearts in one way or another.  When I got the news I had to have surgery again, you better believe my heart was broken.  Friends, I need the grace of God.  I am not a strong woman.  What strength I do have comes only from Him.  It is when I am weak that I experience the strength of Christ at work in me.  Because there’s something about being real that brings relief and a sense of freedom.  I do not want to appear strong for the sake of not appearing “weak,” but I find myself doing this at times.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I want to be weak, so I can have Christ’s strength and I want to let others do the same.  I hope you do too.

Don’t be afraid to fall apart; don’t think you have to hold it all together.  You don’t have to be strong.  He will be strong for you.  Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. (Is. 61:1)  “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Luke 5:31)  Jesus cannot heal a self-righteous heart that sees no need for Him, or has no hope of healing.  Do we truly believe if we allowed Christ in He could heal us, or does hopelessness guide our lives?  Turn to Jesus, even if you heart doesn’t believe and ask Him to turn your sorrow into hope.  Memorize scriptures such as Ps. 43:5, Rom. 5:3-5, Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Phil. 1:6, Zeph. 3:17, Is. 61:1-3 and keep repeating them asking God to grow roots of belief.  I believe He can heal us and I will stand on that truth, by the grace of God, until the day I die.    

So friends, you have my permission.  Go ahead; fall apart, but in doing so remember you are not meant to stay there.  This is so very important to remember.  You are not meant to stay in despair!  Your heart is not meant to be in shatters.  It is meant to be whole. Call on the Name of Jesus.  Turn to Him and be restored.  It might take time, but don’t give up!     

Pacemaker Surgery...again

Maybe you’re wondering why I have to have pacemaker surgery again.  Well, this is why.
 

If you’ve been following my blog, you would have read that everything was going great.  I was experiencing energy like I had not experienced in many many months, but in the midst of this I was also experiencing a very uncomfortable muscle twitching in my chest.  Come to find out the muscle twitching was caused by the 2^nd lead.  The 2^nd lead/wire makes the bottom chamber of my heart beat.  So the doctor decided to turn off the lead to alleviate the twitching.   I still had the 1^st lead which makes the top chamber of my heart beat.  Unfortunately, the natural pacemaker of my heart does not have my bottom chamber beat at all.  So this means that currently the bottom chamber of my heart is not working.  They said that I might get tired and would need to see how I felt and report back to them.  Well, as time went on I started getting more and more tired.  I started feeling like I used too, tired and worn out.  So I went back to the doctor to report my woes.  During this visit he said to me, I want to go back in and reposition the lead before I turn on the 2^nd lead.  I said, wait, what do you mean you want to “go back in?”  Well, we all know what he meant by that now, don’t we?  But before we talked more about that I was supposed to see how I felt after a week because he tried changing something else in the pacemaker and but it didn’t do anything.  The energy I had a couple of weeks ago is now fading.

I got the phone call from my doctor’s nurse on Monday afternoon and she informed me that he wants to do the surgery with the hope it will stop the twitching and he can turn the 2nd lead back on.  He does not want to turn it back on until we try to fix this twitching problem.  Now, the surprising part to me in all of this was the extent of the surgery.  I guess it should have clicked in my head earlier that the surgery would have to be a repeat surgery so I would basically be experiencing the exact same thing, but perhaps I was hoping for the best or not even wanting to think that was a possibility.  I don’t know. 

My surgery is schedule for 11am on June 14^th.  I will be staying overnight again.  The nurse told me  the surgery would be about the same because it’s a lead/wire that needs either repositioned or replaced.  So the pacemaker has to come out and be put back into a place that hasn’t had enough time to fully heal, this means I’ll be in pain.  Maybe the same amount, but I sure hope not.  You see, if it was just replacing the pacemaker battery it wouldn’t be this extensive, but because it’s the lead it makes a difference.   It means I’ll have the same restrictions with raising my arm above my shoulder.  I can’t do it again for two weeks because if I move too much I’ll pull the wire from my heart and well, that would be awful.  So we’ll be back to wearing the sling, no driving, and no lifting more than a few pounds for two weeks. 

Yes, I know this is for the best and what has to do be done, but wow was it a hard pill to swallow.  I remember getting off of the phone with the nurse and I just started to cry.  The only thing I knew to do was to call on the Name of Jesus, so that’s what I did.  I repeated the Name of Jesus over and over again and for a moment I felt love and as though everything was going to be okay.  And it is going to be okay.  I'll be okay.  We'll be okay.  Why?  Because of His grace, His love, His presence. 

Life is not always going to go the way we hope and that really is okay.  Everybody has difficulties and pains.  I’m not the only one.  I’m sure you have them do.  May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ grant you courage and strength too to keep moving forward.  If we would turn to Him, Jesus promises us He will grant us the courage we need for each step.  “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Cor. 12:10

Lord Jesus, I am weak, but You are strong!  Grant me Your courage!

Pacemaker: The Ups and the Downs

6-3-12

So I’m tired again.  Thanks be to God not as bad as I did before the pacemaker, but I just feel worn out during the day.  I am not experiencing the alertness and energy as I was a couple of weeks ago.  The doctor made a change in my pacemaker due to the twitching sensation I was feeling in my chest and they warned me this change might cause me to become tired again.  Basically what they did was they turned off the part which tells the bottom chamber of the my heart to beat because the lead, which has my bottom chamber beat, was causing my muscle to twitch.  I went back on Tuesday to see if I could get this turned back on.  He informed me that in order to turn that part back on he would want to go back in and reposition the lead.  Which means more surgery.  I told him I’d deal with the twitching, but he doesn’t want to do that.  I can understand that.  So he made a small change, but from what I can tell it really hasn’t done anything.   I'm hoping to go back to the doctor ASAP to see what our next step is, whether it's surgery or not.  

I really just want to feel well.  I can’t even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to feel well for those couple of weeks.  It felt like I had my life back in so many ways.  At the same time though, it almost feels like it never happened.  It seems more like a dream than a reality.  I know God has something better for me; it’s a matter of being patient, of trusting, of believing by faith and not allowing this bump in the road to deter my focus on Jesus.  Easier said than done though, isn’t it?  It’s a daily battle of choosing to believe, and relying on the Holy Spirit for the grace to believe. 

There have been so many times of the recent months and days where I have had to make a very conscious decision to believe in the promises of God because of various things and circumstances in my life.  I wish I could tell you my faith has been as solid as a rock, but then I’d be lying.  I’ve had some tough days.  Why?  Well, I believe because I’ve allowed discouragement and despair to sicken my heart.  I have stayed in these places of self-defeat instead of proclaiming the Word of God in my life, and asking for the grace and mercy to believe in it even when my circumstances tell me differently.  So yesterday, I had to do some repenting of my unbelief.  You know what though; afterwards I did feel renewed in my faith.  God really can change us by His grace if we’d only turn to Him, repent, and ask.

So here’s what I came too yesterday, I can either wallow in self-pity or I can rise in Jesus’ Name believing in His power to overcome my emotions.  I can walk by faith and I can walk in victory.  Not by my power, but by the work of Christ in me, I can.  God has a purpose for us in these times of testing and trial.  Believe it or not, He does it because He loves us and longs to produce in us a harvest of righteousness which bears fruit in Him.  Satan would love us to believe the opposite.  My friends, “Resist him, standing firm in the faith,” (1 Pet. 5:9a).  Whatever it is that you are going through, if your mind is being bombarded by unwanted thoughts, if your health is poor, your family is falling apart, do not allow the Enemy to take any inch of joy and peace which is yours in Jesus Christ! 

I read this yesterday as my spirit was wrestling, Rom. 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

God uses these times to produce something glorious in us, but we have to allow Him to do the work He needs to do.  He has greater work for us to do and greater work requires greater character. I was reading a book by Robert Morris, From Dream to Destiny, and he goes through this passage of scripture and said something which struck me.  He says our response to God through trail and waiting should be one of thanksgiving because “You have said that this is going to produce something good in me.  You have said that this will produce patience.  So when I come out of this trail, I am going to have more of the fruit of the Spirit, and I am going to look more like Jesus.” 

Father, forgive me.  Forgive me of allowing my heart to be sickened by despair.  How I long to look more like your Son.  This is the path You have chosen for me, forgive me for wanting it to come to a close quicker than You desire.  You still have work to do in me.  Thank you for loving me enough to make me more like your Son and produce perseverance, character, and hope in me.  Gracious Father, do the work you need to do and in the timing you need to do it.  Make me more like Your Son Jesus and grant me the patience and hope to persevere by faith.  Amen.