An Unmet Desire

I wish I could write a more uplifting blog on the 4^th of July but I guess that’s just not the reality of my heart right now.  I think people appreciate honesty and authenticity when it comes to life.  I don’t share these things because I want your pity, but because we can learn and grow from each other’s experiences.  My hope is that through my story, you would experience the reality of and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  So I’m not ashamed to admit that today has been a day where I’ve needed an extra measure of His grace.  Why?  Well, today was the day last year I had my miscarriage. 

 It’s hard to believe it’s been a year.  It’s gone by so very fast.  Today I am reminded, not only, of the grief I felt a year ago, but also of the unmet desire I have in my heart to have a child.  Has God healed my heart over this year?  Yes, He has and I thank Him for that.  The longing, though, is still there.   But the longing can and I think is being directed in a healthier way.  I am hoping and praying for a renewed perspective, a heart of deeper trust. 

Here’s what I’m learning though and maybe you can learn with me.   Our desires for good things, like babies, spouses, good health, a job you enjoy, etc. are not wrong to have.   It’s what we do with or who we go to with our unmet desires.  I was doing some thinking today about how often we go to certain things to either alleviate, medicate or bury an unmet desire.  It could be food.  People.  Hobbies.  Dreams.  And I as pondered the things I look too at times I realized what a vain pursuit they are; at least vain in my pursuit of happiness and wholeness (I didn’t even mean that as a 4^th July pun, but take it as such if you’d like).  Sure they can be good things and can even make ourselves feel better for a time but none of them can heal our hearts.  None of them can truly satisfy.  Can I just say that today that was very hard for me to admit, that having a child will not satisfy me, only Christ will.   It was hard because in admitting that it means I also have to admit I may never get the things I long for and that would be okay because I have Jesus.  I have prayed for God to make my heart completely His, to be made whole and satisfied only in Him.  I think He is and let me tell you, it’s not easy, it’s hard.  Letting go never is.  I know I write about this desire a lot, but it's a process for me, a continual surrender. 

I was doing my devotions this morning and I read this by Oswald Chambers in his book My Upmost for His Highest:  “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him” (Ps. 37:7) until our own little world is turn upside down and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people.  Is it possible to “rest in the Lord” then?...Resting in the Lord is not depended on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself.” 

God is good, regardless of my unmet desire.  My circumstances do not determine His goodness.  Jesus is found more fully in the places of surrender, and it is here that we experience His rest and goodness. I am on a journey right now, a journey of growing in faith and of learning how to rest in the Lord (I am so bad at resting, if you’ve figured it out will you let me know).  I know this season will come to a close, and by the grace of God, I will look back on it and rejoice over all God has done in my heart and life.  But in the meantime I also want to rejoice and be glad because Christ is working right now.  As this season closes another one will open.  Lord Jesus, come what may. 

I wonder what your heart desires?   

Maybe you could say this with me:  Lord Jesus, really and truly, be my only desire.  I know you’ll heal my heart along the way. 

Satisfaction

Ps. 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

So I have been doing some reflecting lately on what it means to be truly satisfied in Christ. 

Sometimes I think we look at Ps. 37:4 and think it means when we come to God He will give us the things we want (money, children, a better house/job/body).  I think this is the wrong view to take on this verse.  I believe God wants us to find our delight solely in Him and Him alone.  When we find our delight in Christ and not in our accomplishments, material possessions, or externals, but in the precious love of Jesus Christ our hearts will be at peace.  This is where true delight in life is found.  So when I look at this verse, to me what it is saying is…When we are fully satisfied in the Lord, finding our delight in Him and through being in Him, God will give us the desires of our hearts BECAUSE our desire will be for Him only. 

Now, I’m not saying we won’t have desires or wants in life even when we are fully satisfied in Christ, but now our desires will be in proper perspective.  Let’s not forget the verse before and after this verse in Ps. 37. 

Ps. 37:3-5

3Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

Trust, Delight, Commit.  When we TRUST Christ, we know that whatever happens to us in life that God is good and He is in control, we don’t have to have everything go the way we want because we trust God with the good and the bad.  When we COMMIT our way to the Lord, we act on our faith, believing He will give us what we need. 

Yes, I want certain things in life.  I want to have a child, I want to be a mother, I want to have extra money in my bank account, I want to go on vacation in Europe, I want to run again someday, etc..  But at the end of the day if these things never happen, I will still praise Him, I will still love Him because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing will satisfy.  My life is in His hands.  I have committed my way to the Lord, because I choose to put my trust in His Word, and I have no doubt that He will grant me the desire of my heart, which is to be fully delighted in Jesus Christ.