Running Away: It's Time to Come Home

"Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay" Hab. 2:3

Was there ever a time in your childhood when you felt like running away?  Perhaps you almost did; you got the letter ready, packed a PB n J, and your favorite toy to discover you were too afraid to do it?  You knew it wasn’t a good idea, you’d be leaving a place of shelter, a family who loved you, and what would you eat tomorrow? 

As I reflect upon my life and the most difficult season of life to date which began towards the end of 2010, there have been many times where I felt like running away.  Why?  Because life didn’t go like I wanted it to nor expected it to go.  It was so much harder than I expected.  It seemed like every time I’d get somewhere or do something I’d have a setback or two follow me.  I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  It’s like God was taking me on a journey where I’d long to do things but for the life of me, I could not make them happen.  Have you ever been there?  In a place where it feels like things just are not going right?  As I reflect on this season of my life, I know all along God was trying to get my attention and bring me to a place of deeper trust and rest, to empty me of my own self-sufficiency, plans, and independence.  I was learning what it means to really praise God for His love, and not how He lives up to my expectations.  Wow, that sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

On this journey I have felt useless, embarrassed, defeated, out of control, weak, frustrated, fed-up, tired, and just plain done.  I wonder if anyone else ever has?  Yep, that’s called the stripping process.  It’s not easy, in fact, it’s very painful, but it is the redemption my sinful heart needs.  I’m so glad that the Lord disciplines those He loves, that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us, that God always leads us in triumphal processions in Christ, that it is God who works in me to will and act according to His good purpose, and that the God of all grace, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast (Heb. 12:6, Rom. 8:18, 2 Cor. 2:14, Phil. 2:13, 1 Peter 5:10). 

Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle.  He does.  Whoever told you He doesn’t, lied.  Trust me, there have been days where it has been too much for me.  You see, it’s about God bringing us to a place where we say, I get it, I can’t do it on my own, and I need You.  I just need You.  What is it about the Lord my friends, He really is that Rock that will never fail us, a constant help in times of trouble.  He stands up to His Word Beloved!  He is more than enough for us.  I never realized how sinful, so full of pride and selfishness I was before God took me on my journey to brokenness.  I’m so glad He did, because now we can get rid of that and get more of Jesus.  Hallelujah! 

I love Jesus and I CANNOT live without Him.  I’ll fall to pieces.  I can live without my sin--my pleasures, my comforts; my plans BUT I CANNOT live without Jesus.  What about you?  Are you falling to pieces?  Let God put you back together.  Have you run away from God or your responsibilities?  It could be an emotional abandonment.  We don’t physically have to leave something to have actually left it.  Come back to the Father like the prodigal son to find grace, healing, and forgiveness.  God may ask you or He may just take your comforts from you.  Give it to Him, I have a feeling it’s much easier than it being stripped from you.  It’s not worth holding on to.  It won’t bring your heart freedom, but the Lord Jesus can and does.  So why not come home to the Father?   

We serve a God of redemptive grace my friends, even in the midst of life’s most terrible, frustrating storms He gives us glimpses of His grace.  As I reflect further on this season I have also seen the hand of God move to protect me, sustain me, and grant me grace after grace.  Even more recently, I have seen the hand of God move graciously on my behalf to bring restoration to my body with my recent pregnancy and blood pressure that is finally back to normal.  I’m still praying for more restoration, but in the meantime, I’m learning to rest in my Father who sees and is more than enough for me!    

The State of My Health Address: When God Shows Off

Okay, so I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit vague recently in my blogs relating to my health.  I’ve had my reasons for doing this.  Now, though, I want to let you in on some of the things that have really been going on for the past few months.  Why?  Trust me, it’s not because I love putting this out so the whole world can read about the personal painful details of my life, no, but for the sake of God’s glory!

Before I left for my trip to India I was having a terrible time.  It really all started in July as a result of pushing myself a little too much, but it got worse in August when I started having persistent anxiety due to a change in one of my herbal tonics.  It was awful.  Thankfully, after 2-3 weeks of dealing with this God gave me the insight to make the connection between the new herbs and the anxiety so we changed my tonic.  After that the anxiety completely stopped.  However, the stress the anxiety naturally put upon my body put my adrenals into a tailspin.  I started having issues again not being able to sleep at night waking up exhausted and depleted, this continued for a month on and off and then for almost 2 weeks straight, I was also having an awful time with my blood sugar and there were other issues some old, some surprisingly new that arose.  I really couldn't even go for walks, my body just didn't have the reserves.  And here I was a month away from my trip to India; I really needed a work of God.  The holistic specialist I am going too even told me she didn’t think I should go on my trip, she didn’t believe I was well enough and thought we’d have a lot of extra work to do when I got home.  I even remember a time where I wondered how I could get out of the trip, but I kept praying and God kept speaking to my heart that I was to be on this trip.  So, the only thing I knew to do was obey, even if it didn’t make any sense to me and things looked very bleak.    

I kept praying and asked others to pray too.  Thankfully, the Lord worked (yet He’s always working) and about a week and a half before my trip I finally started sleeping again and my blood sugar balanced back out.  The crazy, only can be explained through God thing was that I went into the trip knowing my reserves were low and that this could be a disaster for me because of the lack of sleep I would face and stress from the trip.  And if you don’t know, if your adrenals don’t want to do their job like mine, then stress and lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster.  Why?  Because the adrenals help your body respond to stress.  Oh, and just to put the icing on the cake, it was also during this time that I started having bad back pain.  I remember saying to the Lord that if I am more of a mess when I get home and have to struggle through this while I am there then let it be for Your glory.  My life is not about me, it’s about Jesus and in this moment that aspect of my faith was being tested.  Now, I don’t follow the Lord perfectly, and there are times when I don’t get it right but I knew this trip was something I had to do. 

You see, my body was at a point where I could only handle the natural stress your body has in going through a normal day and really nothing more beyond that.  So, I went into this trip, trusting Jesus, it was all I could do.  I couldn’t control anything, in fact, I’ve never felt so weak and out of control in my entire life than I have over the past few years due to my health issues (i.e. miscarriage, pacemaker surgery, pacemaker revision surgery, and now the glands).  On the trip I had all sorts of stressful situations, especially getting there, which you can read about that crazy experience here.  I also experienced a lack of sleep due to the travel and very long days of ministry.  Yet, my blood sugar was good and I never had an issue with my sleep like I’d been having.  Never, not once.  As far as I am concerned that was a miracle of God.  Oh, and not to mention, my back pain somehow disappeared once I went on the trip.  Must have been a coincidence.  NOPE, it was God.  It was His hand, to His great glory.  Ever since I’ve been home I’ve been doing quite well.  In fact, Michael even told me he saw glimpses of the old me; which, I unfortunately paid for later!  

I really truly believe there was some spiritual warfare going on leading up to the trip to discourage me from going.  

Over this past year I’ve been seeking the Lord on my healing and He kept taking me to the book of Job.  In my stubbornness, I kept saying I don’t want to go to the book of Job.  I want to go to happier stories, like the woman who bleed for 12 years and after touching Jesus she was healed, or the crippled man Paul sees has the faith to be healed and commands him to stand and he does.  You know what though, all of these people who were healed had to suffer for years, I think we forget that when we read of their miraculous healing.  In Job’s case, Scripture tells us Satan was allowed to touch his body.  I take full responsibility for the sin that has brought on some of my health problems, but oh my, I have felt like Satan has been allowed to touch my body.  Now, Job was eventually restored, but before God healed Him He brought Him to a greater place of trust and surrender to who He was as God.  God humbled him, there would be no more questions and doubts Job would bring to God, but Job would now stand in awe of God. 

Now, I've got a road ahead of me still so I'm asking for your continued prayers, but I am standing in awe of God over this trip.  I love how God shows off and shows up in the moments that look the least hopeful and does something that can only be explained through Him.  Maybe that’s why He waits for those moments, because we’d take credit for it unless we knew we couldn’t have done it on our own?    

God may have some healing or blessings of some sort for you friend, but He may be calling you to follow Him into the unknown to a place of pure brokenness and dependence upon Him.  Just like Abraham who was called out of his own country and into one God would show him later (Gen. 12:1).  Or like Joshua and Caleb who believed God when the other 10 spies did not (Num. 13:26-33, 14:6-9).  God blessed Joshua and Caleb for their whole-hearted devotion to Him and gave them the victory—much later, in fact many years later. 

What have you been discouraged by?  A relational struggle?  Health problems?  Financial difficulties?  Some type of loss?  Closed doors?  Don’t you give up Beloved, that’s exactly what Satan wants you to do.  Don’t you do it, don’t you give him one inch of your freedom in Christ!  God has so much more for you, so much more peace and joy, freedom and hope through His Son Jesus.  “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:7  

Confessions of a Control Freak

I love the book of Hebrews.  Why?  Because it’s emphasis on both the divinity AND humanity of Christ.  It reminds us that Jesus experienced temptation and suffering.  I don’t know about you all, but I experience temptation and suffering.  The more I walk out this life of faith with Christ in the reality of my brokenness and sin, the more I see my heart is a mess and needs the healing work only God can give.  My heart, on its own, is bent towards sin. Plain and simple.   

I find great comfort in the words found in the book of Hebrews.  Words penned so many years ago, yet they still have the authority and power to breathe a fresh word to my heart and soul.  Glory to God!

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Heb. 2:18

“Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered.” Heb. 5:8

If you didn’t know yet, one of the sins I wrestle with is control.  This has played itself out in many aspects of my life.  (i.e. see below)

A few nights ago, I was lying in bed wrestling in my mind with something asking the Lord, what’s the deal here, what’s the wrestling about.  A little something like this came to my spirit:  Beloved, I know, even though you can’t see it, I know better than you.  Trust me; let me guide your decisions.  SHAZAM.  There it is. God knows better than we do. "The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Prov. 16:9 Often times we think we know what’s best, but God knows down the road…we don’t. We only think we do, constructed off of our experiences, or knowledge.  We want proof, when God says, TRUST ME! 

The more we walk around, not acknowledging our sin and desiring to live our way, the more chained we live.  I also often wonder how much grieve God when we neglect Him.  There’s so much more for us in Christ but that life of abundance comes through humble submissive obedience not open rebellion against God and His Word.  It’s like we are saying to God, “Yeah, I know you sent your Son to die for my sins, and that’s great, I’ll take that but I want control of the rest.  I’ll just follow how I feel and do what I want.  Thanks.”  Whoa. 

In a world that tells us to follow our hearts and our desires, it’s time to step up and be different.  It’s time to flee from temptation, repent and follow Jesus-- not ourselves.  To be a follower of Christ means we die to ourselves.  We stop following our plan and start following God's. Plain and simple.

Why? For the sake of His great Name, His holiness, His glory, His Word and because if we don’t we open ourselves up to Satan’s deception and miss out on the glorious freedom found in walking with Jesus. 

 

What an awesome, loving, gracious God we serve. 

My Baptism Experience

Praise God on Sunday January 29^th I was baptized!  I must say it was a wonderful experience for me.  I was nervous, but also excited at the same time.  I was so thankful that my family was able to be there to support me and that Michael was the one who baptized me. 

Overall it was a very special moment in my walk with Christ.  After I made my public confession of faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and was immersed for the first time as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, I remember coming up out of the water and feeling such joy in my heart.  I was happy.  I believe I felt this way because God was happy, He was pleased that I walked in obedience and followed Him.  

As I was walking out of the water I remembered something a friend had told me.  The water in our Baptism is symbolic of our sins being washed away by the blood of Jesus Christ.  So as I left that water I recalled this conversation and pictured my sins in the water which had been washed away by Jesus.  Praise God for His never-ending grace towards me!  

I think one of the keys to true joy in life is found in humble obedience to the Lord and His leading.  This is what I long for; to follow Jesus with a relentless, undivided, wholehearted devotion.