Running Away: It's Time to Come Home

"Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay" Hab. 2:3

Was there ever a time in your childhood when you felt like running away?  Perhaps you almost did; you got the letter ready, packed a PB n J, and your favorite toy to discover you were too afraid to do it?  You knew it wasn’t a good idea, you’d be leaving a place of shelter, a family who loved you, and what would you eat tomorrow? 

As I reflect upon my life and the most difficult season of life to date which began towards the end of 2010, there have been many times where I felt like running away.  Why?  Because life didn’t go like I wanted it to nor expected it to go.  It was so much harder than I expected.  It seemed like every time I’d get somewhere or do something I’d have a setback or two follow me.  I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  It’s like God was taking me on a journey where I’d long to do things but for the life of me, I could not make them happen.  Have you ever been there?  In a place where it feels like things just are not going right?  As I reflect on this season of my life, I know all along God was trying to get my attention and bring me to a place of deeper trust and rest, to empty me of my own self-sufficiency, plans, and independence.  I was learning what it means to really praise God for His love, and not how He lives up to my expectations.  Wow, that sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

On this journey I have felt useless, embarrassed, defeated, out of control, weak, frustrated, fed-up, tired, and just plain done.  I wonder if anyone else ever has?  Yep, that’s called the stripping process.  It’s not easy, in fact, it’s very painful, but it is the redemption my sinful heart needs.  I’m so glad that the Lord disciplines those He loves, that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us, that God always leads us in triumphal processions in Christ, that it is God who works in me to will and act according to His good purpose, and that the God of all grace, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast (Heb. 12:6, Rom. 8:18, 2 Cor. 2:14, Phil. 2:13, 1 Peter 5:10). 

Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle.  He does.  Whoever told you He doesn’t, lied.  Trust me, there have been days where it has been too much for me.  You see, it’s about God bringing us to a place where we say, I get it, I can’t do it on my own, and I need You.  I just need You.  What is it about the Lord my friends, He really is that Rock that will never fail us, a constant help in times of trouble.  He stands up to His Word Beloved!  He is more than enough for us.  I never realized how sinful, so full of pride and selfishness I was before God took me on my journey to brokenness.  I’m so glad He did, because now we can get rid of that and get more of Jesus.  Hallelujah! 

I love Jesus and I CANNOT live without Him.  I’ll fall to pieces.  I can live without my sin--my pleasures, my comforts; my plans BUT I CANNOT live without Jesus.  What about you?  Are you falling to pieces?  Let God put you back together.  Have you run away from God or your responsibilities?  It could be an emotional abandonment.  We don’t physically have to leave something to have actually left it.  Come back to the Father like the prodigal son to find grace, healing, and forgiveness.  God may ask you or He may just take your comforts from you.  Give it to Him, I have a feeling it’s much easier than it being stripped from you.  It’s not worth holding on to.  It won’t bring your heart freedom, but the Lord Jesus can and does.  So why not come home to the Father?   

We serve a God of redemptive grace my friends, even in the midst of life’s most terrible, frustrating storms He gives us glimpses of His grace.  As I reflect further on this season I have also seen the hand of God move to protect me, sustain me, and grant me grace after grace.  Even more recently, I have seen the hand of God move graciously on my behalf to bring restoration to my body with my recent pregnancy and blood pressure that is finally back to normal.  I’m still praying for more restoration, but in the meantime, I’m learning to rest in my Father who sees and is more than enough for me!    

The State of My Health Address: Pressing On

In my last blog I wrote about the roadblocks I had been experiencing in my own journey to good health.  Needless to say, it was a very difficult, trying, discouraging week and a half or so. BUT the awesome, amazing, super cool thing is—I am now feeling well.  Like really pretty well.  Now, I don’t want to get my hopes up and get ahead of myself, because I’ve totally done that over this past year, but I really think I’ve scaled another barrier (*Update as of 3/31/13 I did have a setback shortly after I wrote this for a few days, during this time I was reminded of this blog, what it means to trust God and seek out His glory in our pain).  This past weekend I walked more than I have walked in almost a year and did surprisingly very well, plus for the past week, I’ve slept great, felt strength in my body and have had energy.  My birthday was yesterday and let me tell you, what a great birthday this has been.  Because when you haven’t felt well for so long, when you long to do and enjoy the things you once did and you’re body finally begins to feel better, let me tell you, it is an absolutely wonderful feeling.  On this health journey, I’ve had many highs and lows.  This is a high, thanks be to God!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on this time in my life to see what the Lord might be trying to speak to me (nothing happens in vain friends, God is always at work!). Here’s what I have been thinking about…sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  This has totally been true for me over this past year.  Remember the cleanse I did, eesh, that was rough but after it I experienced some very marked improvements in my health.  Oh, but then I started doing more this past month when softball practice started.  That’s when the couldn’t sleep, waking up in the middle of the night being dehydrated stuff got really bad.  Yah, not fun.  You know this is partly why I didn’t even try working out or even really walking that much over the past few months, because I would get so exhausted, wouldn’t sleep well and would be just plain hungry and thirsty all the time.  So, I avoided it…like the plague.  However, once softball started, there was no avoiding it, I had to face it like a (wo)man.  Yes, it was difficult, painful, confusing, discouraging, and frustrating to go through but the great part is I am actually feeling much better.

So here’s what has been swirling around in my little head (I little frightening I know), I wonder how often we avoid the difficult things in our lives because it’s too difficult, painful, confusing, discouraging, and frustrating.  It could be a relationship (friendship/spouse/family/etc.) in your life that instead of working at you just avoid because it’s “easier” or it could be a weight loss goal, an area of sin, the abuse you experienced as a child, that spiritual battle you’ve grown weary in.  Friends, sometimes (and I’d argue most times) in order for us and others to experience healing, wholeness, and just something better it will get worse before it gets better (i.e. think the death of Christ)! 

Sure, it may be “easier” to avoid, but it only keeps us in our cycles of defeat, so in reality it is not easy at all, it’s quite burdensome.  Fear is an awful thing.  Many of us don’t dig through the junk in our own hearts, relationships, marriages, and families because of this one little thing called, fear.  We stop pursing our goals in life, whether that be weight loss or something else, because the fear of failure, disappointment, or we just do not believe we are worth something better.  IF we started working on things, pursuing Truth, and seeking godly counsel—our world, our places of safety would crumble.  Yet, that’s where healing begins, but that’s scary (like a dog chasing after you scary). 

The longer I walk this journey, the more I realize just how awesome our God is and how much freedom He has for us through His Son Jesus Christ.  The more I walk in the Holy Spirit, living an abandoned, authentic life concerning my sin; I find I have more power to walk in victory with Jesus.  You better believe there is something far better for you in this life.  Beloved, the Lord Jesus not only goes with you, but before you.  You can trust Him.  Pursue authenticity, and don’t be afraid to go to those painful, scary places.  You are worth it!  The more you avoid them, the more chained and controlled by them you become.  Instead of bowing to them, bow to the Lord Jesus.  And don’t you give up the fight when it gets tough, because it will.  You push through and press in to the Lord Jesus Christ in ways like never before, relying on His Spirit, believing in His Word!  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” (Eph. 1:3)

Gracious Father, in this life we will suffer.  Who are we to think that we are exempt from suffering, as Christ suffered, so shall we.  Lord, may we bear in our bodies the markings of the Lord Jesus Christ, who suffered and died so we could be free.  Forgive us when we stay in defeat because we are too afraid to trust You with the unknown.  Grant us the courage to trust You, even when it gets worse before it gets better.  There is much more for us in Christ.   Father, we believe, we love you, be exalted.  Amen. 

The State of My Health Address: A Time Out

So I don’t want to jump the gun because I feel like I have done that a few times in the recent months, BUT I feel like I have made some small steps in the right direction concerning my health (go here and here if you don't know what's been going on).  Yipee for small steps!  I used to want BIG steps, but I have come to the realization (by the grace of God) that this is going to be a journey and obviously God has some work to do in my heart which is going to take some time.  My responsibility is to be open to the work He wants to do and not try to rush it! 

In some ways I feel like I’m in a bit of a timeout.  The things I used to do and enjoy I don’t do any more; I just can’t, at least not right now.  In fact, I was thinking the other day about  how I used to run all the time and realized I have not run consistently for almost 2 years.  Over these two years there have been moments on this journey where I have missed running and being active.  It was such a huge part of my life, but in ways God has brought me to this place where I have had to say, I may never run again (for those of you who know me, you know this is not easy for me to admit).  This has been a very recent and somewhat painful discovery.  In some ways I feel like I have to grieve, maybe that sounds odd to you but I think when we finally let go of the things that have been a part of our lives for so long we go through a process of grieving.  Maybe you know what I’m talking about?  You see, running/being active cannot be my goal in getting better.  I know for a while it was definitely one of my goals in getting better and God has been so gracious to show me otherwise:). 

I just feel like I’m on this journey where God is showing me where my true delight must be found.  It must be found in Him.  Not these external things or hopes I have went too to fill up my cup in the past.  You bet I used running as a tool to fill up my cup, and in many ways it was an unhealthy tool.  So here I am, at a place where I am realizing my life is not my own.  My pursuits in life are vain without Christ.  I’m being broken and what an amazing, transforming, painful place it is. 

 

A while back I prayed a prayer where I asked to the Lord to break me.  I really think He is.  Yes, this has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but in this season where I am being stripped of so many things I have experienced the risen Christ in ways like never before.  I do not know how to explain it any other way but—GOD.  My heart is at rest in ways like I have never known before.  Sure I get discouraged at times, but my heart finds great comfort in His Word:

“for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Phil. 1:19-21 

Here’s my encouragement to you all.  Pray that prayer.  Pray that God would break you.  You will be amazed at the things God will start to do.  He will start taking away your “control”, He will start crumbling your walls of self-protection and He will start filling you with the character of His Son. 

Sound a bit crazy?  Perhaps.  I can tell you though friend, it is where true freedom is found, as we are emptied of ourselves and filled with the love and power of the Holy Spirit.    

Want to be freed from those addictive behaviors/thought patterns?  Desire to experience health in your relationships and interactions with others?   Tired of being co-dependent? Controlling? Afraid?

Then let Jesus break you.  You will not regret it, but know it will be a long/trying/exhausting journey.  Don’t give up.  Satan will throw different distractions/confusions/lies at you to keep you from moving forward, but he cannot keep you stuck in despair.  Keep abandoning yourself and relying on the Lord Jesus, He will push you forward!

Precious Jesus, would you empty us of ourselves and fill us with You.  We want to be free.  We are tired of being controlled by the things of this life and the brokenness of our hearts.  Jesus, save us from ourselves!  Break us and make us whole.  We need you.  We trust you.  We give ourselves to You.  Come Holy Spirit, to the glory of God, come! 

The State of My Health Address

I thought this might be a good time to give an update on my health situation and the things I’m learning from my journey. 

As I wrote about in my last blog I finally found out I have a problem with my thyroid and adrenal glands, which is causing some of my fatigue, cold hands, excessive thirst, infertility, etc..  I have been going to a holistic Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine to be treated for both of these issues.  Why this kind of treatment?  Well, every blood test I took for my thyroid and adrenal gland always came back fine.  I tried to get into an endocrinologist a few months ago but the doctor would not see me until I had a blood test that came back positive.  In retrospect I’m very thankful for this because I would much rather try to tackle something more holistically if I can. 

To start things off she had me do a 21-day cleanse, which actually turned into a 36 day cleanse (that’s what I get for not following directions and it just took my body longer to get rid of the bad!).  The cleanse was basically to help cleanse my liver of the toxins I’ve gathered over the years from certain medications, foods, metals and such.  On the cleanse I took a few supplements, ate two yummy :/ shakes a day and ate a strict gluten free, no sugar, no dairy, no nuts, no beans diet.  I know, you’re wondering what I ate and are cringing at the thought but I really enjoyed it and I honestly did not feel deprived at all!  My doctor has actually advised me to continue to eat clean in order to help my body heal itself naturally.  So, I’ve decided to continue eating a clean diet (I just recently added raw dairy to the mix).   

Here’s the crazy thing; I had no idea just how much I needed this cleanse.  I had quite the time on the cleanse.  Needless to say I felt awful.  Why?  Because my body needed to get rid of the toxins!  And after it finally did, I started feeling better. 

You know, if you looked at me from the outside would you guess I would need a cleanse?  Would you guess I’d be the type of person to have a pacemaker?  I appear to be healthy and in good shape.  You see friends; this is what God has been teaching me throughout this process.  Looks can be deceiving.  Families can appear healthy and as though they have it all together, people can appear as though they are happy and content.  Appear is the key word here.  I appear to be healthy--but I’m not.  Some people/families appear to be healthy, but they are not. You could even say something teachings in the church appear to be biblical, but they are not. 

I don’t want to be the type of person whose pride gets in the way of living a real, raw, authentic life.  You see, I’m a broken person being made new by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  I don’t have it all together.  I used to think I had to appear as such, but God has shown me otherwise.  Freedom is found in authenticity.  Living as though we appear to be strong, that’s pride and that’s sin and there’s no freedom in that, trust me I’ve been there I know how burdensome it is. 

Here’s the other thing I’ve learned.  Sometimes, in order to get to a healthier state, physically, spiritually, or emotionally things may get worse before they get better.  Ever experienced that in your life?  My cleanse made me actually feel worse in different ways.  I sometimes wondered why I was doing this and if it actually made any difference.  Sometimes God takes us on these journeys where we may experience some type of suffering (look at Joseph’s life).   There’s something so awesome and unique about God because it’s in these times that redemption comes, IF we would surrender to Him and trust Him for the timing.  Timing, that’s the tough part, trusting in His timing.

Jesus came to put broken people back together (far better than we could ever do!).  Is. 61:1b “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”  I want to become more like Jesus but this means my old self has to die.  This is NOT an easy, pain free process, BUT the outcome is well worth it.  I wonder if you’ve been broken before the Lord?  I know God is breaking me (Follow this link to hear me share how God is in the process of breaking me https://vimeo.com/51186239 ). 

I would greatly appreciate your continued prayers throughout this healing process.  I know it’s going to be a long journey, but I really think I've made a step in the right direction.  Praise God!  I haven’t been well for a while and I’m looking forward to being well again!  Blessings to you all!