Our Pregnancy Story and the Fear of Loss

So, it happened.  I got scared.  I became afraid of losing our baby boy.  I talked about this fear before due to my miscarriage and how I was sure it would happen again sometime throughout the pregnancy.  Well it did.  It happened.  A few things led up to it, things out of my control.  Things that happened to others around me and this conversation at the doctors office 5 weeks ago…

“We couldn’t get a good look at his heart, but everything else looks fine.  If you didn’t have your appointment with Dr. Abrams (the high risk doctor) in two weeks we would have to do another ultrasound.”   

Trust me people when you’re a gal with a cardiac history, open-heart surgery at 11, and a pacemaker at 28—this is not something you enjoy hearing about your baby during their 20 week appointment.  I wanted to hear about his heart.  I wanted to know he had his dad’s heart and not his mom’s, but I couldn’t know I would have to wait.  Jesus, I trust You.

Thankfully, we went to the high-risk doctor two weeks later and our hearts were put at ease as we learned that our baby’s heart looked wonderful.   Thank You Jesus.  Deep breath. 

Yet, within those two weeks of waiting I can recall being overwhelmed with fear for a couple of days.  While meeting with a dear friend of mine I shared this fear, and let me tell you this friend of mine she is a prayer warrior.  We prayed together over this fear, and it was as if right there in that room Jesus lifted the fear right off of me.  By God’s grace, it’s been about a month since then and I haven’t felt the fear since. 

It tells us in James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Now, I wonder how often we don’t share the pain of our hearts out of fear and pride.  Go with me here.   Asking for prayer means that we have to be vulnerable and open ourselves up to the fact that we are weak.  That takes guts to do sometimes doesn’t it? 

The longer I walk with Jesus, the more I realize how much I need the prayers of other people.  By God’s grace I’m learning just how powerful it is to admit my weakness and need for prayer.  We need both individual and communal prayer. 

How about you?  Are you asking others for prayer or burying the cries of your heart?

Mother's Day: The Joy and Pain of This Day

Let me say first and foremost that I think Mother’s Day is an amazing day.  I love my mom, and I love the other women in my life who have helped shape and form me in some way.  Mother’s rock and we should celebrate them.  J

I wanted to say that first because I don’t want to rain on Mother’s Day that is not my intent.  Yet, I also know that Mother’s day can be a painful day for some.  I call it a trigger day for myself.  It is a day where I am reminded of my miscarriage and my sweet babies who are with Jesus, (that word I cringe at) the infertility, my health issues, of what I don’t have, but what my heart has ached for.  Maybe you’ve felt that ache before too; whether it is for a child, a spouse, a mom, or ________ (fill in the blank). 

So what do we do with days like these; days where we wonder, when will our time come, will it come?  Well, I think we have to allow our feelings to really come for what they are.   It is okay to admit it’s hard.  At times I wish it wasn’t.  I wish I could get through this day and it wouldn’t affect me, thanks be to God, I don't feel the same magnitude of pain, but it still sneaks up on me. 

After we acknowledged our feelings, it’s imperative we surrender them to the Lord Jesus Christ.  Often times our pain can make us do unhealthy things, like eat lots of candy, take matters into our own hands, or treat the people we love like junk.  So instead of reaching for something or someone to ease your pain, how about we try giving it to Jesus.  It’s really a continual surrender, but He can handle it.  That’s the beauty of Jesus; He longs to lift our burdens from us.   

Its days like these where I am reminded of what it means to have faith in God and His goodness and what it means to really worship Him.  His goodness is not determined by my hopes being met.  No, His goodness is determined by this:  “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),” Eph. 2:4-5

God longs to give us good things in life.  He does.  Yet, for the sake of His glory sometimes we have to wait or trust Him for an even better plan, but we wait not without hope but as people great hope.  “I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope.” Ps. 130:5  Is He good?  You better believe it.  Is He worthy?  Absolutely.  Will I worship Him?  Forever. 

Acknowledge. Surrender. Worship.

Gracious Lord, we thank you so much for mothers.  We ask for you to bless them for their amazing sacrifice.  Bless the women Lord who long to be mothers but can’t, bless those who are waiting to adopt, and those who don’t have a mom; may the power of the Holy Spirit grant us comfort and wholeness in Christ as we surrender our pain to Your Son Jesus.  He can handle it.  Jesus, make us whole in You, not in our hopes and dreams.  Father, we believe in Your goodness and we thank You for the grace You have given us in Christ.  Let it be to Your glory! Amen.

An Unmet Desire

I wish I could write a more uplifting blog on the 4^th of July but I guess that’s just not the reality of my heart right now.  I think people appreciate honesty and authenticity when it comes to life.  I don’t share these things because I want your pity, but because we can learn and grow from each other’s experiences.  My hope is that through my story, you would experience the reality of and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  So I’m not ashamed to admit that today has been a day where I’ve needed an extra measure of His grace.  Why?  Well, today was the day last year I had my miscarriage. 

 It’s hard to believe it’s been a year.  It’s gone by so very fast.  Today I am reminded, not only, of the grief I felt a year ago, but also of the unmet desire I have in my heart to have a child.  Has God healed my heart over this year?  Yes, He has and I thank Him for that.  The longing, though, is still there.   But the longing can and I think is being directed in a healthier way.  I am hoping and praying for a renewed perspective, a heart of deeper trust. 

Here’s what I’m learning though and maybe you can learn with me.   Our desires for good things, like babies, spouses, good health, a job you enjoy, etc. are not wrong to have.   It’s what we do with or who we go to with our unmet desires.  I was doing some thinking today about how often we go to certain things to either alleviate, medicate or bury an unmet desire.  It could be food.  People.  Hobbies.  Dreams.  And I as pondered the things I look too at times I realized what a vain pursuit they are; at least vain in my pursuit of happiness and wholeness (I didn’t even mean that as a 4^th July pun, but take it as such if you’d like).  Sure they can be good things and can even make ourselves feel better for a time but none of them can heal our hearts.  None of them can truly satisfy.  Can I just say that today that was very hard for me to admit, that having a child will not satisfy me, only Christ will.   It was hard because in admitting that it means I also have to admit I may never get the things I long for and that would be okay because I have Jesus.  I have prayed for God to make my heart completely His, to be made whole and satisfied only in Him.  I think He is and let me tell you, it’s not easy, it’s hard.  Letting go never is.  I know I write about this desire a lot, but it's a process for me, a continual surrender. 

I was doing my devotions this morning and I read this by Oswald Chambers in his book My Upmost for His Highest:  “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him” (Ps. 37:7) until our own little world is turn upside down and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people.  Is it possible to “rest in the Lord” then?...Resting in the Lord is not depended on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself.” 

God is good, regardless of my unmet desire.  My circumstances do not determine His goodness.  Jesus is found more fully in the places of surrender, and it is here that we experience His rest and goodness. I am on a journey right now, a journey of growing in faith and of learning how to rest in the Lord (I am so bad at resting, if you’ve figured it out will you let me know).  I know this season will come to a close, and by the grace of God, I will look back on it and rejoice over all God has done in my heart and life.  But in the meantime I also want to rejoice and be glad because Christ is working right now.  As this season closes another one will open.  Lord Jesus, come what may. 

I wonder what your heart desires?   

Maybe you could say this with me:  Lord Jesus, really and truly, be my only desire.  I know you’ll heal my heart along the way.