You Have My Permission

6-12-12

I am the type of person who does not like showing weakness.  I have wanted to be strong, or at least appear to be strong throughout this whole process of having surgery again.  But can I tell you the best thing a very dear friend told me was that I don’t have to be strong and it’s okay to fall apart.  Wow, I cannot even begin to express to you how freeing it was to be given permission to cry or do whatever I needed to do in that moment.  Trying to hold it all together is absolutely exhausting, but we do it more often than not.  Some of us have done it for so long; we don’t know any other way to live.  Unfortunately because we have lived so long in this place we do not have the emotional capacity to let others grieve and mourn through life’s pains. 

Why are we so afraid to experience the pain that comes with life’s challenges?  Could it be a fear of our own?  Pride(I think that’s my issue)?  But what about when it comes to others, maybe we just don’t like seeing others hurt.  Or perhaps if we allow others to be vulnerable it just might stir some emotion in us and we might appear “weak” to others.  Now I put weak in parentheses because in being real and honest about the sorrow we feel we are quite the opposite of weak.  No, to be real, to admit we are weak is actually to say we are strong.  I think this is what the Apostle Paul meant in 2 Cor. 12:10b “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”   Being sad or down about something doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, no, that is normal.  It is when we stay there that it becomes a problem.  And Jesus does not want you to stay there. 

But Jesus can’t put back together a heart that hasn’t been broken.  Let me reword that…Jesus cannot put back together a heart that has not acknowledged it is broken.  I would argue that 99.9% if not all of us have something that has broken our hearts in one way or another.  When I got the news I had to have surgery again, you better believe my heart was broken.  Friends, I need the grace of God.  I am not a strong woman.  What strength I do have comes only from Him.  It is when I am weak that I experience the strength of Christ at work in me.  Because there’s something about being real that brings relief and a sense of freedom.  I do not want to appear strong for the sake of not appearing “weak,” but I find myself doing this at times.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I want to be weak, so I can have Christ’s strength and I want to let others do the same.  I hope you do too.

Don’t be afraid to fall apart; don’t think you have to hold it all together.  You don’t have to be strong.  He will be strong for you.  Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. (Is. 61:1)  “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Luke 5:31)  Jesus cannot heal a self-righteous heart that sees no need for Him, or has no hope of healing.  Do we truly believe if we allowed Christ in He could heal us, or does hopelessness guide our lives?  Turn to Jesus, even if you heart doesn’t believe and ask Him to turn your sorrow into hope.  Memorize scriptures such as Ps. 43:5, Rom. 5:3-5, Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Phil. 1:6, Zeph. 3:17, Is. 61:1-3 and keep repeating them asking God to grow roots of belief.  I believe He can heal us and I will stand on that truth, by the grace of God, until the day I die.    

So friends, you have my permission.  Go ahead; fall apart, but in doing so remember you are not meant to stay there.  This is so very important to remember.  You are not meant to stay in despair!  Your heart is not meant to be in shatters.  It is meant to be whole. Call on the Name of Jesus.  Turn to Him and be restored.  It might take time, but don’t give up!     

Pacemaker Surgery...again

Maybe you’re wondering why I have to have pacemaker surgery again.  Well, this is why.
 

If you’ve been following my blog, you would have read that everything was going great.  I was experiencing energy like I had not experienced in many many months, but in the midst of this I was also experiencing a very uncomfortable muscle twitching in my chest.  Come to find out the muscle twitching was caused by the 2^nd lead.  The 2^nd lead/wire makes the bottom chamber of my heart beat.  So the doctor decided to turn off the lead to alleviate the twitching.   I still had the 1^st lead which makes the top chamber of my heart beat.  Unfortunately, the natural pacemaker of my heart does not have my bottom chamber beat at all.  So this means that currently the bottom chamber of my heart is not working.  They said that I might get tired and would need to see how I felt and report back to them.  Well, as time went on I started getting more and more tired.  I started feeling like I used too, tired and worn out.  So I went back to the doctor to report my woes.  During this visit he said to me, I want to go back in and reposition the lead before I turn on the 2^nd lead.  I said, wait, what do you mean you want to “go back in?”  Well, we all know what he meant by that now, don’t we?  But before we talked more about that I was supposed to see how I felt after a week because he tried changing something else in the pacemaker and but it didn’t do anything.  The energy I had a couple of weeks ago is now fading.

I got the phone call from my doctor’s nurse on Monday afternoon and she informed me that he wants to do the surgery with the hope it will stop the twitching and he can turn the 2nd lead back on.  He does not want to turn it back on until we try to fix this twitching problem.  Now, the surprising part to me in all of this was the extent of the surgery.  I guess it should have clicked in my head earlier that the surgery would have to be a repeat surgery so I would basically be experiencing the exact same thing, but perhaps I was hoping for the best or not even wanting to think that was a possibility.  I don’t know. 

My surgery is schedule for 11am on June 14^th.  I will be staying overnight again.  The nurse told me  the surgery would be about the same because it’s a lead/wire that needs either repositioned or replaced.  So the pacemaker has to come out and be put back into a place that hasn’t had enough time to fully heal, this means I’ll be in pain.  Maybe the same amount, but I sure hope not.  You see, if it was just replacing the pacemaker battery it wouldn’t be this extensive, but because it’s the lead it makes a difference.   It means I’ll have the same restrictions with raising my arm above my shoulder.  I can’t do it again for two weeks because if I move too much I’ll pull the wire from my heart and well, that would be awful.  So we’ll be back to wearing the sling, no driving, and no lifting more than a few pounds for two weeks. 

Yes, I know this is for the best and what has to do be done, but wow was it a hard pill to swallow.  I remember getting off of the phone with the nurse and I just started to cry.  The only thing I knew to do was to call on the Name of Jesus, so that’s what I did.  I repeated the Name of Jesus over and over again and for a moment I felt love and as though everything was going to be okay.  And it is going to be okay.  I'll be okay.  We'll be okay.  Why?  Because of His grace, His love, His presence. 

Life is not always going to go the way we hope and that really is okay.  Everybody has difficulties and pains.  I’m not the only one.  I’m sure you have them do.  May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ grant you courage and strength too to keep moving forward.  If we would turn to Him, Jesus promises us He will grant us the courage we need for each step.  “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Cor. 12:10

Lord Jesus, I am weak, but You are strong!  Grant me Your courage!