When God Shows Off: Our Pregnancy Story

So you may have heard the news.  I’m pregnant!  Glory to God! 

Can I be honest?  We were NOT expecting this.  I know that sounds odd considering Michael and I have asked God for a child for over 4 years, and I have been working with a woman on my fertility through a holistic approach for just over a year but LET ME EXPLAIN. :)  

In the fall of 2013 God began to really open my heart to adoption.  Michael has been open to it for years and has really wanted to pursue it over the past year or two.  It wasn’t until this fall though that my heart really began to open up to the idea.  So we began talking about it more together.  We even sat down with an agency and talked with an adoption counselor about the process of adoption.  We had decided to start the process the first of the year after we got through the holidays.  We were on our way.  So we thought.  

Because only ten short days before 2014 began on December 21^st I discovered I was pregnant (Michael didn’t believe me, he made me take two tests and read the instructions to him J).  So it seems like God had other plans for us!  I have no doubt though He was working on my heart to open it up to adoption and we trust He knows exactly what He is doing. 

I lost my first pregnancy early on in the summer of 2011 as some of you know.  So as you can imagine we’ve had some mixed emotions at times, ranging from shock and delight, to fear and doubt.  Early on after we found out I remember having a deep sense of peace, but then I let those fears creep in.  You know, the ones about losing the pregnancy again and doubting this was actually happening.  I went to Jesus with my fears and He helped me work them out and has restored my peace.  I am so stinking glad I have a Savior who is so gracious, loving and has pulled me out of so many pits in my life.  I have no doubt He will pull me out of this potential pit of fear in the weeks and months to come.  Because I’m sure the waves of fear will come and go, but because He walks with me, I don’t have to live and stay and dwell in those places of fear.  That’s a terrible place to live and my hope in Christ is to enjoy this pregnancy and rejoice in what God has done.  Regardless of what happens, I believe my God is good in all His ways.  I’ve been through too much with the Lord over these past few years not to believe in His goodness and grace.  That’s partly why Michael and I told people before the first trimester was over.  Risky?  Perhaps.  Yet, we know God was saying, be vulnerable.  Because we’ve been vulnerable there have been so many prayers for our precious baby and for ourselves and trust me we have felt the prayers of God’s people and what a blessing it has been.

I know this may sound odd too, but I really believe God used my mission trip to India in me being able to conceive.  I wrote earlier that I believe God did some type of healing work in me during that trip and now I am convinced all the more that He did.  It was only a week after I returned home from India that I became pregnant.  Friends, that is the Lord!  Especially considering what a mess I was before I left for the trip.   But I came home feeling the best I’ve felt in a very long time, of course, I then began feeling tired again, but now I know why.  I was pregnant, and I just didn’t know it yet.  J

We appreciate your prayers, but would you do my heart a great delight and just take a moment to praise God with us.  This was an act of His grace and we are so humbled by it! 

Mother's Day: The Joy and Pain of This Day

Let me say first and foremost that I think Mother’s Day is an amazing day.  I love my mom, and I love the other women in my life who have helped shape and form me in some way.  Mother’s rock and we should celebrate them.  J

I wanted to say that first because I don’t want to rain on Mother’s Day that is not my intent.  Yet, I also know that Mother’s day can be a painful day for some.  I call it a trigger day for myself.  It is a day where I am reminded of my miscarriage and my sweet babies who are with Jesus, (that word I cringe at) the infertility, my health issues, of what I don’t have, but what my heart has ached for.  Maybe you’ve felt that ache before too; whether it is for a child, a spouse, a mom, or ________ (fill in the blank). 

So what do we do with days like these; days where we wonder, when will our time come, will it come?  Well, I think we have to allow our feelings to really come for what they are.   It is okay to admit it’s hard.  At times I wish it wasn’t.  I wish I could get through this day and it wouldn’t affect me, thanks be to God, I don't feel the same magnitude of pain, but it still sneaks up on me. 

After we acknowledged our feelings, it’s imperative we surrender them to the Lord Jesus Christ.  Often times our pain can make us do unhealthy things, like eat lots of candy, take matters into our own hands, or treat the people we love like junk.  So instead of reaching for something or someone to ease your pain, how about we try giving it to Jesus.  It’s really a continual surrender, but He can handle it.  That’s the beauty of Jesus; He longs to lift our burdens from us.   

Its days like these where I am reminded of what it means to have faith in God and His goodness and what it means to really worship Him.  His goodness is not determined by my hopes being met.  No, His goodness is determined by this:  “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),” Eph. 2:4-5

God longs to give us good things in life.  He does.  Yet, for the sake of His glory sometimes we have to wait or trust Him for an even better plan, but we wait not without hope but as people great hope.  “I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope.” Ps. 130:5  Is He good?  You better believe it.  Is He worthy?  Absolutely.  Will I worship Him?  Forever. 

Acknowledge. Surrender. Worship.

Gracious Lord, we thank you so much for mothers.  We ask for you to bless them for their amazing sacrifice.  Bless the women Lord who long to be mothers but can’t, bless those who are waiting to adopt, and those who don’t have a mom; may the power of the Holy Spirit grant us comfort and wholeness in Christ as we surrender our pain to Your Son Jesus.  He can handle it.  Jesus, make us whole in You, not in our hopes and dreams.  Father, we believe in Your goodness and we thank You for the grace You have given us in Christ.  Let it be to Your glory! Amen.

The State of My Health Address: Road Blocks

My health.  Oh my health.  How do I describe it?  I get a little better and then I hit a road block, I get a little better and then I hit another little road block…it goes on and on and on. 

A month or so ago I was doing really well.  I was making some really great progress concerning my adrenal/thyroid glands.  However, lately I have taken a couple of steps back.  I have been doing more now that softball season has begun and I am coaching, unfortunately it seems like my body is just not wanting to cooperate with the extra I have put on it.  My adrenal glands are in need of some rebuilding and unfortunately they cannot keep up with the extra things I have been doing.  So because of that I haven’t been sleeping well at all.  I get up in the middle of the night and wake up absolutely dehydrated (it’s an adrenal gland thing, I’d be happy to tell you about it sometime if you’d like).  It gets a little annoying.  Needless to say, I’ve been a wee bit cranky.  I miss having energy.  This has been one of the longest seasons of my life.  I often wonder when this season of health struggles will end.  I’ve got so many things I long to do and be.  I long to be a mother, to work more fully into my calling, and to just enjoy life and the things I used too more.    

I have blogged before about how vital it is for me to grieve and let go during this health journey.  I recently started reading a book (N.T. Wright, Recovering from Loses in Life) to better equip me to be able to minister to those in their own grief, and I have found that it is actually ministering to me…quite a bit.  Funny how that happens, isn’t it? J  In the book a woman shares about her own experience with the loss of her daughter’s health.  This woman’s daughter later got better and in her reflection she shares this, “Although I am so very thankful for her health, I still spent time that morning grieving over the fun times I hadn’t realized we had lost (Wright, 15).” 

In ways I have lost some things; I have lost out on fun times, I have unfulfilled dreams, I’ve lost time, etc..  Yes, I have lost some things, but the amazing beautiful part is that my dreams/time/health is not lost, nor I am forgotten in my own pain and longing.  I find so much comfort and hope in the fact that my God is a God of redemption and grace.  As I think and grieve about the longings of my heart the Lord continues to remind of Joel 2:25a, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” 

Do you find there is some stigma attached to grief? I do.  I do not think we realize just how much we really need to grieve.  It’s nothing to be afraid of.  No, it’s something to be embraced, because it’s how we move on.  Grief is a lifelong thing and sometimes we will have to grieve the same thing more than once, but that’s okay because it does get better, it does get easier.  The Lord Jesus has helped me so much in my own process of grief and I know He wants to help you too.  So today, I am grieving (again) my own unfulfilled hopes and dreams, a long season of health problems, and an empty womb.  What about you?  What do you need to grieve and give to Jesus?  A loss of a job?  A marriage?  A longing to be married?  A unfulfilled dream?  A wayward family member?

A dear friend asked me the other day what I believed the Lord was teaching me throughout this time.  I told her I thought He was teaching me “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Ps. 46:10) Yep, He is in control.  He is completely, totally, without question…LOVE.  I can trust Him.  I am confident God has done a work in my own heart through this season of health problems.  How do I know?  Because I feel different, thank You Jesus!  My heart isn’t wrestling as much as it used too, there’s peace there that was not there before.  For that I am forever grateful.  Whatever happens in me, may it always be for the glory of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! 

Let’s pray this prayer together:  Gracious, Loving, merciful Father when our world is shaking all around us, when we have unfulfilled longings, when our health, marriages, friends fail us; YOU WILL NOT.  Strengthen us Lord to trust in Your goodness for us and help us to grieve.  We love you and believe in Your redemptive grace.  In the strong and powerful Name of Jesus we pray, amen. 

Our Desire to Have a Child: Surrending

5-25-12

It was sometime around this time last year that Michael and I found out I was pregnant.  I cannot believe it’s been a year.  Retrospect is always a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  In looking back over this past year, I know God has been over all of this.  I cannot even begin to imagine what my pregnancy would have been like considering the unknown condition my heart was in.  For that we give God praise. 

So this should teach me something, right?  It should teach me and remind me that God is faithful, He has a plan, and He’s working it out.  Though we may not fully see or understand He knows what He is doing.  His way is best, even if it hurts.  I wish I could have such faith and trust that my heart would not waver in these times.  I know He is working it out, but there’s this wrestling going on deep inside of me.  I want, but God is telling me to trust and to wait and frankly I don’t want to wait at times.  I know I say this a lot, but it’s so true.  I cannot rely on my feelings but on the Word of God which tells me He has a plan.  He has proven Himself so very worthy of my trust time and time again in my life.   

 The Lord knows Michael and I’s desire to have a family.  We talk and pray about it often.  Over the very recent months I knew I was sick and deep down inside I knew it wasn’t the right time.  I didn’t know how bad it was, but God knew.  Glory to His Name I’m getting better and seeing progress.  So now that I am getting better it only seems like the perfect time to become pregnant.  It’s so hard to walk by faith when your heart hurts.  Anybody? God knows exactly what He is doing, but so often I want to run ahead of Him.  Maybe you know what I am talking about.  Maybe your heart longs for a child, relief from some type of physical/emotional suffering, a companion in life, your spouse to appreciate you, or the salvation of a loved one.  This list could go on and on.  We all have desires.   

I do not have all of this figured out.  My faith wavers.  I’m an emotional gal.  I have a longing in my heart and I need God’s grace to help me trust Him more and more with this longing.  Maybe you do too. 

So this is my prayer, perhaps you can pray it with me.  Lord Jesus, I surrender, I submit, I let go.  You know what I desire.  You’ve known it all along.  Nothing is hidden from your sight, not a hair on my head goes without being numbered.  You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  You know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper and not to harm.  I wait for You, my soul waits, and in Your Word I put my hope.  Hope does not disappoint, because You have poured out Your love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.  Your grace is sufficient for me; Your power is made perfect in weakness.  Father, when I am weak, You are strong.  Forgive me of my lack of faith.  In Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Amen. 

Our Desire to Have a Child

2/26/12

So that old ache came back.  I have not had it for a while.  If you have ever longed for a child, (or anything for that matter) you know what I am talking about.  

Now, what I am about to write I have not shared with many people, but maybe you will be blessed today by our struggle with infertility.  Wow, that was really hard for me to write; in writing it I felt a ting of shame.  Maybe because it’s so personal, maybe it’s because I feel like an outsider in some ways, or maybe it’s because I actually had to acknowledge it for what it is.  Whatever the reason for it, there it is.  In August it will be three years, three years of longing mixed with heartache.  I know in retrospect three years really isn’t that long, but at times it sure feels much longer.

Ever since I had my miscarriage in July, I have still always wanted a child, but that ache for a child hasn’t really been there like it had for the almost two years prior.  Maybe this was because I was on a journey towards healing from the grief I was experiencing.  So now that I am through that process the old ache has returned; you know, that feeling of longing and hurt deep inside? 

After talking with the Lord about it, I know I am okay.  I am okay because of the grace of God in my life.  I am okay because I know God has a plan for me, Michael, and our future child.  In fact, I believe we will be blessed with a child, but even if we aren’t, I know He is good. 

Do I wish we found out we were pregnant tomorrow, yes I do, but I can’t put my hope in what I wish for.  I must put it in the promise that God does have a plan and it is what is best for us.  But what does it mean to wait with hope? I read this this evening as I am sitting here thinking about the possibility of having to wait 6 months, two years, or even longer for a child. 

“I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Ps. 27:13-14

Though my heart aches at times, I know deep inside God has a plan.  So I do have hope my confidence is in Him, His goodness, and His timing.  I will still praise Him regardless of what happens in our life, because I know He is and wants what is best for us.    

Maybe you know what I’m specifically talking about today.  Maybe your heart is longing for a child, but the struggle continues.  Jesus can and longs to hold you in your grief and longing.  It’s a beautiful thing really, hard to describe at times, but it’s a peace, a knowing, an understanding that your life is safe in His hands.  If you would trust your life to Him, He really will satisfy you.  Being a mother and having a child is a wonderful gift from God, but it will not give us ultimate satisfaction and wholeness.  That responsibility belongs to and can only be found in Jesus. 

So in the meantime I will wait, but not as one without hope, but as a woman with hope knowing that Christ is near to me in my longing and loves me all the same.