Joy Through Pain

I’m tired.  I’m hungry.  I ache.  I’m hot.  I’m a punching bag.  My stomach feels like Gumby, but I’m not Gumby…I’m pregnant. Yes, this is the beloved last trimester of pregnancy.  Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely ecstatic that I am pregnant and I will endure because I am waiting for the amazing day that I will meet our precious baby and hold him in my arms.  Wow, that makes it all worth it, doesn’t it? 

I keep thinking about how this relates to our walk with Jesus (sorry people this is just how my brain worksJ). 

I believe when we desire deeper intimacy with Jesus Christ there will come a time when life gets really hard.  It’s like having a baby and going through the last trimester and birth.  We have an Enemy, he doesn’t play by the rules and he wants us to give up on going deeper with Jesus.  So when life gets tough, the pain becomes unbearable, the accusations, the guilt, and the shame gets stronger and stronger—that’s the Enemy trying to deter you from walking into deeper intimacy with Christ.  He knows your freedom is sure in Christ so he’ll do everything he can to bring you to doubt God, filling your heart with unbelief and despair to keep you stuck.   Beloved, your God has deeper freedom for you through His Son.  Press on, trust, and rest!  Remember who you are in Christ, an overcomer and more than a conqueror (Rom. 8:37, Rev. 12:11).

The reality is, if we want to become like Jesus and grow in intimacy with Him, we will suffer and struggle. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

God uses what Satan has intended to harm us to make us more complete in Him.  THAT’S THE TRUTH.  God is in complete control of our lives and nothing He allows is beyond His control.  Surrender it all to Him, stop holding on, let it go and let God transform your pain and grow your faith.   He can and will use it for His great glory and for a deeper intimacy with Christ.  Like the pains and discomfort of labor, it is totally worth it.  

Faith, Doubt, and Desiring a Sign

Have you ever had to be double sure about something?  It’s why double check we locked a door, turned off a stove, or take two pregnancy tests (not that I’ve done that…).  There’s something in us that isn’t easily persuaded, but drawn to skepticism and doubt. 

So when it comes to our relationship with God and this whole walking by faith thing, let’s just say it doesn’t always come easy.  Remember the story of Gideon? THE Angel of the Lord came to Gideon and told him, “Then the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” (Judges 6:14)  Gideon then goes on to talk about how small his clan is and how he is the least in this father’s house.  (Don’t you love it how God chooses the people who appear to be the weakest and least capable to do His mighty unexplainable work?)  Gideon then asks God for a sign, so God gives him a sign by consuming his sacrifice with fire.  Ok, so you think Gideon would be ready to rock n’ roll for God, right?  Nope, he’s still a skeptic.

What comes next is the part of the story I think we are a little more familiar with.  Gideon tests God with the fleece and not once, but twice.  Three times Gideon asks God for a sign and every time God showed up.  Now, I’m not one for testing God and I don’t believe God will always answer our prayers for a sign.  I believe the majority of the time He’s going to ask us to trust Him in faith, to wait, and watch for His hand of provision, like the Israelites who crossed the Red Sea (Ex. 14), the priest who carried the Ark of the Covenant across the Jordan River (Josh. 3:14-17), or the widow of Zarephath (1 Kings 17:7-16).  Don’t know the stories; look them up, God called these people to a pretty radical faith and I believe He’s calling us to the same kind of faith.  Sometimes God will show us a sign like Gideon and once He does, receive it as a gift and move forward with your God into the impossible.  However, don’t get upset if He doesn’t, stay close to Him, keep praying, seeking and believing.  Beloved, He is faithful to His Word.  Don’t forget, God used Gideon even though he was the least in his father’s family.  Do you feel weak?  I don’t have any doubt God can use you to do something mighty; He’s all about using people who think they can’t do it.  So, what is God calling you to?  It could be a place of service, a new career, forgiveness of those who’ve hurt you, or a place of deeper surrender in your marriage or family.  Obey Him in humility and dependence and just watch Him show off His great glory. 

Running Away: It's Time to Come Home

"Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay" Hab. 2:3

Was there ever a time in your childhood when you felt like running away?  Perhaps you almost did; you got the letter ready, packed a PB n J, and your favorite toy to discover you were too afraid to do it?  You knew it wasn’t a good idea, you’d be leaving a place of shelter, a family who loved you, and what would you eat tomorrow? 

As I reflect upon my life and the most difficult season of life to date which began towards the end of 2010, there have been many times where I felt like running away.  Why?  Because life didn’t go like I wanted it to nor expected it to go.  It was so much harder than I expected.  It seemed like every time I’d get somewhere or do something I’d have a setback or two follow me.  I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  It’s like God was taking me on a journey where I’d long to do things but for the life of me, I could not make them happen.  Have you ever been there?  In a place where it feels like things just are not going right?  As I reflect on this season of my life, I know all along God was trying to get my attention and bring me to a place of deeper trust and rest, to empty me of my own self-sufficiency, plans, and independence.  I was learning what it means to really praise God for His love, and not how He lives up to my expectations.  Wow, that sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

On this journey I have felt useless, embarrassed, defeated, out of control, weak, frustrated, fed-up, tired, and just plain done.  I wonder if anyone else ever has?  Yep, that’s called the stripping process.  It’s not easy, in fact, it’s very painful, but it is the redemption my sinful heart needs.  I’m so glad that the Lord disciplines those He loves, that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us, that God always leads us in triumphal processions in Christ, that it is God who works in me to will and act according to His good purpose, and that the God of all grace, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast (Heb. 12:6, Rom. 8:18, 2 Cor. 2:14, Phil. 2:13, 1 Peter 5:10). 

Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle.  He does.  Whoever told you He doesn’t, lied.  Trust me, there have been days where it has been too much for me.  You see, it’s about God bringing us to a place where we say, I get it, I can’t do it on my own, and I need You.  I just need You.  What is it about the Lord my friends, He really is that Rock that will never fail us, a constant help in times of trouble.  He stands up to His Word Beloved!  He is more than enough for us.  I never realized how sinful, so full of pride and selfishness I was before God took me on my journey to brokenness.  I’m so glad He did, because now we can get rid of that and get more of Jesus.  Hallelujah! 

I love Jesus and I CANNOT live without Him.  I’ll fall to pieces.  I can live without my sin--my pleasures, my comforts; my plans BUT I CANNOT live without Jesus.  What about you?  Are you falling to pieces?  Let God put you back together.  Have you run away from God or your responsibilities?  It could be an emotional abandonment.  We don’t physically have to leave something to have actually left it.  Come back to the Father like the prodigal son to find grace, healing, and forgiveness.  God may ask you or He may just take your comforts from you.  Give it to Him, I have a feeling it’s much easier than it being stripped from you.  It’s not worth holding on to.  It won’t bring your heart freedom, but the Lord Jesus can and does.  So why not come home to the Father?   

We serve a God of redemptive grace my friends, even in the midst of life’s most terrible, frustrating storms He gives us glimpses of His grace.  As I reflect further on this season I have also seen the hand of God move to protect me, sustain me, and grant me grace after grace.  Even more recently, I have seen the hand of God move graciously on my behalf to bring restoration to my body with my recent pregnancy and blood pressure that is finally back to normal.  I’m still praying for more restoration, but in the meantime, I’m learning to rest in my Father who sees and is more than enough for me!    

The State of My Health Address: When God Shows Off

Okay, so I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit vague recently in my blogs relating to my health.  I’ve had my reasons for doing this.  Now, though, I want to let you in on some of the things that have really been going on for the past few months.  Why?  Trust me, it’s not because I love putting this out so the whole world can read about the personal painful details of my life, no, but for the sake of God’s glory!

Before I left for my trip to India I was having a terrible time.  It really all started in July as a result of pushing myself a little too much, but it got worse in August when I started having persistent anxiety due to a change in one of my herbal tonics.  It was awful.  Thankfully, after 2-3 weeks of dealing with this God gave me the insight to make the connection between the new herbs and the anxiety so we changed my tonic.  After that the anxiety completely stopped.  However, the stress the anxiety naturally put upon my body put my adrenals into a tailspin.  I started having issues again not being able to sleep at night waking up exhausted and depleted, this continued for a month on and off and then for almost 2 weeks straight, I was also having an awful time with my blood sugar and there were other issues some old, some surprisingly new that arose.  I really couldn't even go for walks, my body just didn't have the reserves.  And here I was a month away from my trip to India; I really needed a work of God.  The holistic specialist I am going too even told me she didn’t think I should go on my trip, she didn’t believe I was well enough and thought we’d have a lot of extra work to do when I got home.  I even remember a time where I wondered how I could get out of the trip, but I kept praying and God kept speaking to my heart that I was to be on this trip.  So, the only thing I knew to do was obey, even if it didn’t make any sense to me and things looked very bleak.    

I kept praying and asked others to pray too.  Thankfully, the Lord worked (yet He’s always working) and about a week and a half before my trip I finally started sleeping again and my blood sugar balanced back out.  The crazy, only can be explained through God thing was that I went into the trip knowing my reserves were low and that this could be a disaster for me because of the lack of sleep I would face and stress from the trip.  And if you don’t know, if your adrenals don’t want to do their job like mine, then stress and lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster.  Why?  Because the adrenals help your body respond to stress.  Oh, and just to put the icing on the cake, it was also during this time that I started having bad back pain.  I remember saying to the Lord that if I am more of a mess when I get home and have to struggle through this while I am there then let it be for Your glory.  My life is not about me, it’s about Jesus and in this moment that aspect of my faith was being tested.  Now, I don’t follow the Lord perfectly, and there are times when I don’t get it right but I knew this trip was something I had to do. 

You see, my body was at a point where I could only handle the natural stress your body has in going through a normal day and really nothing more beyond that.  So, I went into this trip, trusting Jesus, it was all I could do.  I couldn’t control anything, in fact, I’ve never felt so weak and out of control in my entire life than I have over the past few years due to my health issues (i.e. miscarriage, pacemaker surgery, pacemaker revision surgery, and now the glands).  On the trip I had all sorts of stressful situations, especially getting there, which you can read about that crazy experience here.  I also experienced a lack of sleep due to the travel and very long days of ministry.  Yet, my blood sugar was good and I never had an issue with my sleep like I’d been having.  Never, not once.  As far as I am concerned that was a miracle of God.  Oh, and not to mention, my back pain somehow disappeared once I went on the trip.  Must have been a coincidence.  NOPE, it was God.  It was His hand, to His great glory.  Ever since I’ve been home I’ve been doing quite well.  In fact, Michael even told me he saw glimpses of the old me; which, I unfortunately paid for later!  

I really truly believe there was some spiritual warfare going on leading up to the trip to discourage me from going.  

Over this past year I’ve been seeking the Lord on my healing and He kept taking me to the book of Job.  In my stubbornness, I kept saying I don’t want to go to the book of Job.  I want to go to happier stories, like the woman who bleed for 12 years and after touching Jesus she was healed, or the crippled man Paul sees has the faith to be healed and commands him to stand and he does.  You know what though, all of these people who were healed had to suffer for years, I think we forget that when we read of their miraculous healing.  In Job’s case, Scripture tells us Satan was allowed to touch his body.  I take full responsibility for the sin that has brought on some of my health problems, but oh my, I have felt like Satan has been allowed to touch my body.  Now, Job was eventually restored, but before God healed Him He brought Him to a greater place of trust and surrender to who He was as God.  God humbled him, there would be no more questions and doubts Job would bring to God, but Job would now stand in awe of God. 

Now, I've got a road ahead of me still so I'm asking for your continued prayers, but I am standing in awe of God over this trip.  I love how God shows off and shows up in the moments that look the least hopeful and does something that can only be explained through Him.  Maybe that’s why He waits for those moments, because we’d take credit for it unless we knew we couldn’t have done it on our own?    

God may have some healing or blessings of some sort for you friend, but He may be calling you to follow Him into the unknown to a place of pure brokenness and dependence upon Him.  Just like Abraham who was called out of his own country and into one God would show him later (Gen. 12:1).  Or like Joshua and Caleb who believed God when the other 10 spies did not (Num. 13:26-33, 14:6-9).  God blessed Joshua and Caleb for their whole-hearted devotion to Him and gave them the victory—much later, in fact many years later. 

What have you been discouraged by?  A relational struggle?  Health problems?  Financial difficulties?  Some type of loss?  Closed doors?  Don’t you give up Beloved, that’s exactly what Satan wants you to do.  Don’t you do it, don’t you give him one inch of your freedom in Christ!  God has so much more for you, so much more peace and joy, freedom and hope through His Son Jesus.  “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:7  

The State of my Health Address: Enough

I never would have expected the journey God has taken me on over the past three years concerning my health, my mind, my walk with Him, and really so many other things—some of which are personal and quite dear to my heart (you don’t need to know all of my business anyways;)).  Following Jesus over the past three years has not been easy, it’s been hard.  It’s been a choice in so many ways for me, not a feeling, but a choice to trust and believe God even when I may not understand it.  Especially in the moments where I wanted to serve Him more, but I couldn’t because physically I wasn’t able.  What a much-needed humbling experience this has been for me.  I can’t even begin to express to you all God has done in me through this.  And now, by the grace of God, I believe He has brought me to a much better place of acceptance and praise, with the understanding He is good, Sovereign and has a plan that reaches beyond anything I can seeJ.   My faith is becoming something I know personally, and not just something I read about it.

On this journey, I’ve experienced ups and downs, but through it all Christ has remained constant.  In the moments where I have just wanted to throw in the towel, I hear the sweet whisper of the Holy Spirit calling me to keep moving forward.  Yes, I’ve experienced a level of suffering and surrender I have not known until now, but for the sake of Christ, know it has been redemptive!  That’s why I want to share this blog with you, because I believe God has allowed me to suffer for His glory--and my own freedom.  He has allowed some things to be removed from me, some for a time, others maybe forever, and, oh yeah; He has allowed me to experience the consequences of my own sin.  Can I tell you, it is hard, so hard, because I’m realizing just how broken I am.  I have never in my life realized just how much I need Jesus. 

Here’s the great thing about God though, because in my brokenness I have realized just how sufficient Christ Jesus is.  Jesus is enough.  Though I’ve been stripped of things, some of which are very good things; I have come to a place where I can say, Jesus is enough and He is really what my heart is crying out for.   He is beyond sufficient to meet my needs.  I’ve found in the quiet moments with God what I really want is more of Him.  Isn’t this the journey God desires to take us on?  A journey were we are so fed up with our trips to the pit we dig for ourselves that we say—Jesus, make me well, I just want You.   Like the man who had been sick for 38 years whom Jesus asked if he wanted to be well?  Isn’t it odd Jesus asks this man if he wants to be well?  I wonder if we really want to be well or if we want our way, our self-sufficiency and in essence our sickness.  Maybe we’d like to think we can have both.  I know my actions have shown the latter.

Beloved, God is so patient and kind.  He can restore anything and anyone who would turn to Him for healing.  Let go of the resentment, stop fighting for answers and fall at the feet of Jesus, confessing your own unbelief.  He really is enough!  Seek Him like never before and you will not be disappointed!  He has a plan for your life and it is good.  You can stay in your bondage or you can trust that God will set you free through your own pain and suffering.  “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” (Romans 8:18)  Friends, as believers in Christ, we have this hope.  Our struggle is actually an avenue to our freedom in Christ.  I’m choosing to trust God with my pain knowing He is using it to free me and bring me into fuller intimacy with His Son.  How about you?