Confessions of a Control Freak

I love the book of Hebrews.  Why?  Because it’s emphasis on both the divinity AND humanity of Christ.  It reminds us that Jesus experienced temptation and suffering.  I don’t know about you all, but I experience temptation and suffering.  The more I walk out this life of faith with Christ in the reality of my brokenness and sin, the more I see my heart is a mess and needs the healing work only God can give.  My heart, on its own, is bent towards sin. Plain and simple.   

I find great comfort in the words found in the book of Hebrews.  Words penned so many years ago, yet they still have the authority and power to breathe a fresh word to my heart and soul.  Glory to God!

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Heb. 2:18

“Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered.” Heb. 5:8

If you didn’t know yet, one of the sins I wrestle with is control.  This has played itself out in many aspects of my life.  (i.e. see below)

A few nights ago, I was lying in bed wrestling in my mind with something asking the Lord, what’s the deal here, what’s the wrestling about.  A little something like this came to my spirit:  Beloved, I know, even though you can’t see it, I know better than you.  Trust me; let me guide your decisions.  SHAZAM.  There it is. God knows better than we do. "The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Prov. 16:9 Often times we think we know what’s best, but God knows down the road…we don’t. We only think we do, constructed off of our experiences, or knowledge.  We want proof, when God says, TRUST ME! 

The more we walk around, not acknowledging our sin and desiring to live our way, the more chained we live.  I also often wonder how much grieve God when we neglect Him.  There’s so much more for us in Christ but that life of abundance comes through humble submissive obedience not open rebellion against God and His Word.  It’s like we are saying to God, “Yeah, I know you sent your Son to die for my sins, and that’s great, I’ll take that but I want control of the rest.  I’ll just follow how I feel and do what I want.  Thanks.”  Whoa. 

In a world that tells us to follow our hearts and our desires, it’s time to step up and be different.  It’s time to flee from temptation, repent and follow Jesus-- not ourselves.  To be a follower of Christ means we die to ourselves.  We stop following our plan and start following God's. Plain and simple.

Why? For the sake of His great Name, His holiness, His glory, His Word and because if we don’t we open ourselves up to Satan’s deception and miss out on the glorious freedom found in walking with Jesus. 

 

What an awesome, loving, gracious God we serve. 

Unpredictable Faith

Supposedly, we are in the season of spring, yet, when I look outside it sure doesn’t look like spring!  Though, it is the season of spring.  Seasons are supposed to be predictable, right?  In the winter it gets cold and snows, in the spring it’s warm and delightful.  This spring though, and I’d argue even this summer and winter were far from predictable.  Let’s just say, if the saying holds true, “April showers bring May flowers,” we should have ourselves a mess of flowersJ.

There are also different seasons to our lives and will be times in our lives personally and as a church where there will be change, unpredictable change.  Wow, there are two words I don’t like—unpredictable and change.  We like predictability don’t we?  When I was in high school I used to have the same thing for lunch every day.  EVERYDAY.  I would have a ham sandwich, Cheetos (Chex mix if Mom went to Sam’s Club), and a mountain dew. We like predictability, we like routine, there’s comfort in it.  Isn’t there?  Yet, there will be times when God wants to shake us up in a bit.  Oh and I hope He does, in fact, I pray He does!  I pray He shakes us so much out of our comfortableness (is that a word?) that we are pushed to walk in greater faith trusting Him for each and every step. 

Isn’t that what this life of faith is all about?  Learning to trust Him with the unpredictable?  Friends, I don’t want to miss out on all God has for me personally and all He has for us as a community of believers.  For the sake of the Gospel, I am praying God shakes me up, and us up.  God is on the move and for us to join Him means “For we live by faith, not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7).”  We begin to see the movement of God in unexplainable ways when we step out and step into the life of unpredictable faith.  One thing though we can ALWAYS predict is the faithfulness of our God to us, His people.  We are safe and secure in His hands.  Glory to His Name.  

The State of My Health Addressed: Renewal

Right after I wrote my last blog I actually reverted back and had difficultly sleeping again.  If I could be honest for a moment, reverting back was not easy and I would have to admit that lately I’ve felt a bit, well, dry and just taxed in many ways.  When you physically do not feel well it just makes it that much harder to focus—physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Thankfully, I met with my holistic specialist and she put me on a new herbal tonic to help support my adrenals and finally for the first time in a couple of months I have slept each night through for the past week and a half.  Thank you Jesus.  In numerous ways, this is big a relief. 

During this season in my life I have felt an array of emotions ranging from frustration to peace, hope to sadness, heartache to trust, exhaustion to joy, etc.  I’d like to say I’ve felt nothing but faith, hope, and peace on this journey, but then I’d be lying. You know, I think it is okay to admit to God how we are really feeling (I’ve blogged about that before).  We need too, because it’s real and God can handle it.  He really can.  Sometimes we just don’t have it all together and we need to fall apart for a while.  So today, I’m asking Jesus to break me and make me whole in Him.  I’m also asking for your prayers because I’m realizing, I think as we all should, that we need the prayers of community.

I am so very glad for the times God has given me on this journey where I have felt well because they do grant me hope and I am definitely better than I was a year ago. For that I am forever grateful.  I believe one day I will be well.  Yet, I’m learning my ultimate hope has to come from the sovereignty of God.  Because when these good times do come, to only fade, I find myself going through a grieving process all over again.  His glory is at stake and at work in this moment in my life, and if He would get more glory out of me being well today, then I would be.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m really walking this out in such a way that brings Him glory.  I hope so.  I know this life is not about me, it’s about Him.  I trust Him, I do, yet sometimes I have to shout this truth because my emotions don’t always feel it.  That’s the battle, isn’t it?  The battle of our faith?  Overcoming the lies, the self-defeat, and self-sufficiency.  Some may say it is selfish of God to seek glory.  No, because He is worthy, and perfect, completely just.  He is God after all.  It is selfish for me to want what I want and want it now; unless it’s His glory of course.  I do want Him to be glorified in me and if this is what it takes, then Gracious Father, have Your way. 

I know I’m not the only person who has ever felt tired, spent, or dry.  I need to take a timeout and get renewed.  That’s what I need and that’s what I’m planning.  Friends, we’ve got to make time for renewal because otherwise it doesn’t happen.  We will continue on in our overwhelmingly busy lives, full of noise, and vain things to fill our cup—without taking the time to do the soul work we so desperately need.  I need the Lord Jesus to fill my cup and give me new energy to keep moving forward on my journey.  I am so thankful for Jesus in my life.  Yes, Jesus is sufficient for me, for all.  How might you need Him today?   Even when I feel mad, sad, and discouraged there is something so marvelous about the Lord Jesus, something about the Holy Word of God that ignites my soul with hope to once again keep moving forward.  My cup is filled, I am nourished, and find the strength I need through His never-ending all sufficiency--to trust, to obey, to worship His Holy Name in the midst of my struggle.  Glory to God!

May we all find comfort and renewal in the Words of Jesus:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.   For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt. 11:28-30

The State of My Health Address: Pressing On

In my last blog I wrote about the roadblocks I had been experiencing in my own journey to good health.  Needless to say, it was a very difficult, trying, discouraging week and a half or so. BUT the awesome, amazing, super cool thing is—I am now feeling well.  Like really pretty well.  Now, I don’t want to get my hopes up and get ahead of myself, because I’ve totally done that over this past year, but I really think I’ve scaled another barrier (*Update as of 3/31/13 I did have a setback shortly after I wrote this for a few days, during this time I was reminded of this blog, what it means to trust God and seek out His glory in our pain).  This past weekend I walked more than I have walked in almost a year and did surprisingly very well, plus for the past week, I’ve slept great, felt strength in my body and have had energy.  My birthday was yesterday and let me tell you, what a great birthday this has been.  Because when you haven’t felt well for so long, when you long to do and enjoy the things you once did and you’re body finally begins to feel better, let me tell you, it is an absolutely wonderful feeling.  On this health journey, I’ve had many highs and lows.  This is a high, thanks be to God!

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on this time in my life to see what the Lord might be trying to speak to me (nothing happens in vain friends, God is always at work!). Here’s what I have been thinking about…sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  This has totally been true for me over this past year.  Remember the cleanse I did, eesh, that was rough but after it I experienced some very marked improvements in my health.  Oh, but then I started doing more this past month when softball practice started.  That’s when the couldn’t sleep, waking up in the middle of the night being dehydrated stuff got really bad.  Yah, not fun.  You know this is partly why I didn’t even try working out or even really walking that much over the past few months, because I would get so exhausted, wouldn’t sleep well and would be just plain hungry and thirsty all the time.  So, I avoided it…like the plague.  However, once softball started, there was no avoiding it, I had to face it like a (wo)man.  Yes, it was difficult, painful, confusing, discouraging, and frustrating to go through but the great part is I am actually feeling much better.

So here’s what has been swirling around in my little head (I little frightening I know), I wonder how often we avoid the difficult things in our lives because it’s too difficult, painful, confusing, discouraging, and frustrating.  It could be a relationship (friendship/spouse/family/etc.) in your life that instead of working at you just avoid because it’s “easier” or it could be a weight loss goal, an area of sin, the abuse you experienced as a child, that spiritual battle you’ve grown weary in.  Friends, sometimes (and I’d argue most times) in order for us and others to experience healing, wholeness, and just something better it will get worse before it gets better (i.e. think the death of Christ)! 

Sure, it may be “easier” to avoid, but it only keeps us in our cycles of defeat, so in reality it is not easy at all, it’s quite burdensome.  Fear is an awful thing.  Many of us don’t dig through the junk in our own hearts, relationships, marriages, and families because of this one little thing called, fear.  We stop pursing our goals in life, whether that be weight loss or something else, because the fear of failure, disappointment, or we just do not believe we are worth something better.  IF we started working on things, pursuing Truth, and seeking godly counsel—our world, our places of safety would crumble.  Yet, that’s where healing begins, but that’s scary (like a dog chasing after you scary). 

The longer I walk this journey, the more I realize just how awesome our God is and how much freedom He has for us through His Son Jesus Christ.  The more I walk in the Holy Spirit, living an abandoned, authentic life concerning my sin; I find I have more power to walk in victory with Jesus.  You better believe there is something far better for you in this life.  Beloved, the Lord Jesus not only goes with you, but before you.  You can trust Him.  Pursue authenticity, and don’t be afraid to go to those painful, scary places.  You are worth it!  The more you avoid them, the more chained and controlled by them you become.  Instead of bowing to them, bow to the Lord Jesus.  And don’t you give up the fight when it gets tough, because it will.  You push through and press in to the Lord Jesus Christ in ways like never before, relying on His Spirit, believing in His Word!  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” (Eph. 1:3)

Gracious Father, in this life we will suffer.  Who are we to think that we are exempt from suffering, as Christ suffered, so shall we.  Lord, may we bear in our bodies the markings of the Lord Jesus Christ, who suffered and died so we could be free.  Forgive us when we stay in defeat because we are too afraid to trust You with the unknown.  Grant us the courage to trust You, even when it gets worse before it gets better.  There is much more for us in Christ.   Father, we believe, we love you, be exalted.  Amen. 

The State of My Health Address: Road Blocks

My health.  Oh my health.  How do I describe it?  I get a little better and then I hit a road block, I get a little better and then I hit another little road block…it goes on and on and on. 

A month or so ago I was doing really well.  I was making some really great progress concerning my adrenal/thyroid glands.  However, lately I have taken a couple of steps back.  I have been doing more now that softball season has begun and I am coaching, unfortunately it seems like my body is just not wanting to cooperate with the extra I have put on it.  My adrenal glands are in need of some rebuilding and unfortunately they cannot keep up with the extra things I have been doing.  So because of that I haven’t been sleeping well at all.  I get up in the middle of the night and wake up absolutely dehydrated (it’s an adrenal gland thing, I’d be happy to tell you about it sometime if you’d like).  It gets a little annoying.  Needless to say, I’ve been a wee bit cranky.  I miss having energy.  This has been one of the longest seasons of my life.  I often wonder when this season of health struggles will end.  I’ve got so many things I long to do and be.  I long to be a mother, to work more fully into my calling, and to just enjoy life and the things I used too more.    

I have blogged before about how vital it is for me to grieve and let go during this health journey.  I recently started reading a book (N.T. Wright, Recovering from Loses in Life) to better equip me to be able to minister to those in their own grief, and I have found that it is actually ministering to me…quite a bit.  Funny how that happens, isn’t it? J  In the book a woman shares about her own experience with the loss of her daughter’s health.  This woman’s daughter later got better and in her reflection she shares this, “Although I am so very thankful for her health, I still spent time that morning grieving over the fun times I hadn’t realized we had lost (Wright, 15).” 

In ways I have lost some things; I have lost out on fun times, I have unfulfilled dreams, I’ve lost time, etc..  Yes, I have lost some things, but the amazing beautiful part is that my dreams/time/health is not lost, nor I am forgotten in my own pain and longing.  I find so much comfort and hope in the fact that my God is a God of redemption and grace.  As I think and grieve about the longings of my heart the Lord continues to remind of Joel 2:25a, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” 

Do you find there is some stigma attached to grief? I do.  I do not think we realize just how much we really need to grieve.  It’s nothing to be afraid of.  No, it’s something to be embraced, because it’s how we move on.  Grief is a lifelong thing and sometimes we will have to grieve the same thing more than once, but that’s okay because it does get better, it does get easier.  The Lord Jesus has helped me so much in my own process of grief and I know He wants to help you too.  So today, I am grieving (again) my own unfulfilled hopes and dreams, a long season of health problems, and an empty womb.  What about you?  What do you need to grieve and give to Jesus?  A loss of a job?  A marriage?  A longing to be married?  A unfulfilled dream?  A wayward family member?

A dear friend asked me the other day what I believed the Lord was teaching me throughout this time.  I told her I thought He was teaching me “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Ps. 46:10) Yep, He is in control.  He is completely, totally, without question…LOVE.  I can trust Him.  I am confident God has done a work in my own heart through this season of health problems.  How do I know?  Because I feel different, thank You Jesus!  My heart isn’t wrestling as much as it used too, there’s peace there that was not there before.  For that I am forever grateful.  Whatever happens in me, may it always be for the glory of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! 

Let’s pray this prayer together:  Gracious, Loving, merciful Father when our world is shaking all around us, when we have unfulfilled longings, when our health, marriages, friends fail us; YOU WILL NOT.  Strengthen us Lord to trust in Your goodness for us and help us to grieve.  We love you and believe in Your redemptive grace.  In the strong and powerful Name of Jesus we pray, amen. 

The Lenten Wisdom of Willy Wonka

 “I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.” Ps. 130:5

I cannot believe Lent has already begun.  Lent, it is known as a season of waiting.  We wait with eager expectation for Easter morning, the day our Lord Jesus Christ rose from the grave.  Though waiting for this day is, well, a bit easy isn’t it?  It is easy because we know the outcome.  We know that through the waiting there will be great celebration!

Let’s think about that for a moment because I know I need too.  Waiting for this day is easy, because we know the outcome.  But what about waiting for other things in life?  I know I am waiting for some things, and I bet you are too.  I often wonder if God has not called us to the same easy, expectant, and hopeful—wait.  Easier said than done though isn’t it, I mean really, who likes to wait!  Remember Veruca Salt from the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?   She sings a song titled, “I Want it Now.”  I wonder how often we sing the same song of Veruca Salt?  (Of course if we have seen the movie we know what happens to Veruca now don’t we?)

I marvel at the psalmist who pens, “I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.”  The Hebrew word for hope here can also mean and is translated elsewhere as ‘wait.’  Try reading it again now with the word wait, “…in his word I put my wait.”  We can have an easy, expectant, and hopeful—wait.  It comes through meditating on the Word, because when we get to know the Word, we get to know God.  The more we know God, the more we learn trust Him.  Is not that what it is all about, learning to trust Him?  That’s when waiting can become easy (or maybe easier if you’re a little slow like meJ). 

Loving our Husbands

Ladies, it’s Valentine’s Day, this has stirred some questions within me about how I can better love my husband.  Maybe you can reflect and ponder this with me. 

 How can we better honor and respect our husbands today?  How can we encourage them in their quest to protect and lead us? Well, first of all, I think we can pray for them.  Pray that God grants them the courage to lead and to be courageous for us and our families.  Sometimes ladies we have to take a step back, stop nagging, and start praying! Remember what Paul tells us, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Eph. 5:22 I know some of us cringe at the word 'submit' but sometimes we need too.  Pushing tends to shut people down, so we may just need to take a little step back so our husband actually can lead us. And submitting can simply be taking a step of humility, which says, "I beleive in you, I want you to lead (having realistic expectations)."  Let them know you believe in them, and not just with your words, but do it with your actions. Husbands thrive when they know they have a woman who believes in them and who doesn't have unrealistic expectations. 

Unrealistic expectations, I’m sure we have all had them at one point.  Ladies, no man can satisfy our deep longing to be valued and cherished.   No man is perfect, no man can save us. Remember, your husband/bf will never live up to every expectation, so be realistic.  Keep encouraging him as he fights for you, but also remember you have a Savior, His Name is Jesus.  When we come to this place of seeking Jesus and not our husbands to save us, we will find it's much easier for our husbands to do what they are made to do, because we won't be overbearing, demanding, and needy.  No, we will be realistic, encouraging, and understanding in our husbands faults because our hearts have found solace in who we are in Christ Jesus.  In this place, we will no longer be demanding something that no human was ever able to give us. 

Now, I have only been married 6 years but the longer I am married the more I realize my husband (and I think most men) thrive when I take a step back, walk in humility, and offer him grace as he strives to lead us.  Men crumble if their women do not believe in them, but they thrive when they know you respect and believe in them.  Show your husbands you believe in them today.  There could be a warrior inside of your man just waiting to come out.  How about being his cheerleader today instead of being overbearing and critical of his mistakes?  (Look, I have totally been there!)  This may mean we need to ask for his forgiveness.  Ladies, let’s look to Jesus first, because we will find when we do this things/marriages just get better. 

Ladies, would you join me in this prayer?

Lord Jesus, as women who desire to watch their husbands thrive and grow in their calling to love us/our family as Christ loved the Church, would you grant us the courage to serve and love them, encouraging them, supporting them, and giving them grace.  Grant our men the courage to be mighty warriors, who fight for us and their children, taking a stand for Biblical Truth and growing in godly character and humility.  Forgive us of the ways we have diminished and belittled our husbands and give us the grace to love, respect, and honor them.  In Jesus’ Name.  Amen.