The State of My Health Address: A Time Out

So I don’t want to jump the gun because I feel like I have done that a few times in the recent months, BUT I feel like I have made some small steps in the right direction concerning my health (go here and here if you don't know what's been going on).  Yipee for small steps!  I used to want BIG steps, but I have come to the realization (by the grace of God) that this is going to be a journey and obviously God has some work to do in my heart which is going to take some time.  My responsibility is to be open to the work He wants to do and not try to rush it! 

In some ways I feel like I’m in a bit of a timeout.  The things I used to do and enjoy I don’t do any more; I just can’t, at least not right now.  In fact, I was thinking the other day about  how I used to run all the time and realized I have not run consistently for almost 2 years.  Over these two years there have been moments on this journey where I have missed running and being active.  It was such a huge part of my life, but in ways God has brought me to this place where I have had to say, I may never run again (for those of you who know me, you know this is not easy for me to admit).  This has been a very recent and somewhat painful discovery.  In some ways I feel like I have to grieve, maybe that sounds odd to you but I think when we finally let go of the things that have been a part of our lives for so long we go through a process of grieving.  Maybe you know what I’m talking about?  You see, running/being active cannot be my goal in getting better.  I know for a while it was definitely one of my goals in getting better and God has been so gracious to show me otherwise:). 

I just feel like I’m on this journey where God is showing me where my true delight must be found.  It must be found in Him.  Not these external things or hopes I have went too to fill up my cup in the past.  You bet I used running as a tool to fill up my cup, and in many ways it was an unhealthy tool.  So here I am, at a place where I am realizing my life is not my own.  My pursuits in life are vain without Christ.  I’m being broken and what an amazing, transforming, painful place it is. 

 

A while back I prayed a prayer where I asked to the Lord to break me.  I really think He is.  Yes, this has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but in this season where I am being stripped of so many things I have experienced the risen Christ in ways like never before.  I do not know how to explain it any other way but—GOD.  My heart is at rest in ways like I have never known before.  Sure I get discouraged at times, but my heart finds great comfort in His Word:

“for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Phil. 1:19-21 

Here’s my encouragement to you all.  Pray that prayer.  Pray that God would break you.  You will be amazed at the things God will start to do.  He will start taking away your “control”, He will start crumbling your walls of self-protection and He will start filling you with the character of His Son. 

Sound a bit crazy?  Perhaps.  I can tell you though friend, it is where true freedom is found, as we are emptied of ourselves and filled with the love and power of the Holy Spirit.    

Want to be freed from those addictive behaviors/thought patterns?  Desire to experience health in your relationships and interactions with others?   Tired of being co-dependent? Controlling? Afraid?

Then let Jesus break you.  You will not regret it, but know it will be a long/trying/exhausting journey.  Don’t give up.  Satan will throw different distractions/confusions/lies at you to keep you from moving forward, but he cannot keep you stuck in despair.  Keep abandoning yourself and relying on the Lord Jesus, He will push you forward!

Precious Jesus, would you empty us of ourselves and fill us with You.  We want to be free.  We are tired of being controlled by the things of this life and the brokenness of our hearts.  Jesus, save us from ourselves!  Break us and make us whole.  We need you.  We trust you.  We give ourselves to You.  Come Holy Spirit, to the glory of God, come! 

Raise that Flag!

“We raise our white flags, we surrender all to you." Chris Tomlin

The ladies and I have been studying the life of Joseph for our women’s small group (join here).  Wow, there is so much we can glean from Joseph’s story.  I am struck by the overwhelming theme of preparation throughout this story.  God had to prepare Joseph for His destiny and He has to do the same with us.  This time of preparation was not an easy one; it was difficult, trying and I’m sure just plain confusing at times for Joseph.  Why so hard?  Well, I believe, because the “old self” (our controlling sinful nature) don’t just disappear in an instant! 

I heard it said once that, God is more concerned about the journey than He is the destination.  It is on the journey that we learn who God is, who we are, and just how much we need Him.  And somehow, some way when we learn to really walk with Jesus on this journey we find joy, hope, and peace that we have yet known.  Friends, we really can courageous unexplainable lives, which can only be explained with one word--GOD.  Ladies and gentlemen, our God is calling us to a deeper faith, a deeper surrender.  He’s on the move and it is preparation time.  I’m raising my white flag, how about you?   

The State of My Health Address

I thought this might be a good time to give an update on my health situation and the things I’m learning from my journey. 

As I wrote about in my last blog I finally found out I have a problem with my thyroid and adrenal glands, which is causing some of my fatigue, cold hands, excessive thirst, infertility, etc..  I have been going to a holistic Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine to be treated for both of these issues.  Why this kind of treatment?  Well, every blood test I took for my thyroid and adrenal gland always came back fine.  I tried to get into an endocrinologist a few months ago but the doctor would not see me until I had a blood test that came back positive.  In retrospect I’m very thankful for this because I would much rather try to tackle something more holistically if I can. 

To start things off she had me do a 21-day cleanse, which actually turned into a 36 day cleanse (that’s what I get for not following directions and it just took my body longer to get rid of the bad!).  The cleanse was basically to help cleanse my liver of the toxins I’ve gathered over the years from certain medications, foods, metals and such.  On the cleanse I took a few supplements, ate two yummy :/ shakes a day and ate a strict gluten free, no sugar, no dairy, no nuts, no beans diet.  I know, you’re wondering what I ate and are cringing at the thought but I really enjoyed it and I honestly did not feel deprived at all!  My doctor has actually advised me to continue to eat clean in order to help my body heal itself naturally.  So, I’ve decided to continue eating a clean diet (I just recently added raw dairy to the mix).   

Here’s the crazy thing; I had no idea just how much I needed this cleanse.  I had quite the time on the cleanse.  Needless to say I felt awful.  Why?  Because my body needed to get rid of the toxins!  And after it finally did, I started feeling better. 

You know, if you looked at me from the outside would you guess I would need a cleanse?  Would you guess I’d be the type of person to have a pacemaker?  I appear to be healthy and in good shape.  You see friends; this is what God has been teaching me throughout this process.  Looks can be deceiving.  Families can appear healthy and as though they have it all together, people can appear as though they are happy and content.  Appear is the key word here.  I appear to be healthy--but I’m not.  Some people/families appear to be healthy, but they are not. You could even say something teachings in the church appear to be biblical, but they are not. 

I don’t want to be the type of person whose pride gets in the way of living a real, raw, authentic life.  You see, I’m a broken person being made new by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  I don’t have it all together.  I used to think I had to appear as such, but God has shown me otherwise.  Freedom is found in authenticity.  Living as though we appear to be strong, that’s pride and that’s sin and there’s no freedom in that, trust me I’ve been there I know how burdensome it is. 

Here’s the other thing I’ve learned.  Sometimes, in order to get to a healthier state, physically, spiritually, or emotionally things may get worse before they get better.  Ever experienced that in your life?  My cleanse made me actually feel worse in different ways.  I sometimes wondered why I was doing this and if it actually made any difference.  Sometimes God takes us on these journeys where we may experience some type of suffering (look at Joseph’s life).   There’s something so awesome and unique about God because it’s in these times that redemption comes, IF we would surrender to Him and trust Him for the timing.  Timing, that’s the tough part, trusting in His timing.

Jesus came to put broken people back together (far better than we could ever do!).  Is. 61:1b “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”  I want to become more like Jesus but this means my old self has to die.  This is NOT an easy, pain free process, BUT the outcome is well worth it.  I wonder if you’ve been broken before the Lord?  I know God is breaking me (Follow this link to hear me share how God is in the process of breaking me https://vimeo.com/51186239 ). 

I would greatly appreciate your continued prayers throughout this healing process.  I know it’s going to be a long journey, but I really think I've made a step in the right direction.  Praise God!  I haven’t been well for a while and I’m looking forward to being well again!  Blessings to you all!

Be Joyful Always

So as I am sitting here on the couch not feeling well at all I began to ponder what it really means to “be joyful always (1 Thess. 5:16) .”  You know, it’s wonderful to give God praise for the good things.  We should always be thankful and be a testimony to the wonderful blessings of God.  I’m not trying to knock anyone who gives God praise for the answered prayers and unexpected miracles.  In fact, I am very thankful Michael and I have gotten some answers to the quandary of my health woes, finding out I have a sluggish adrenal and thyroid gland.  This is wonderful and an answer to prayer! 

But here’s what I am thinking about and here’s what I’d like you to think about.  What about the times when life is difficult and things aren’t what we expected or hoped for?  Do we praise Him?  Do we thank Him?  Or do we become bitter and resentful? 

I know there have been times in the past when I have become bitter and resentful.  It’s okay to be honest with God about our feelings, but once we put it out there on the table the next vital step to healing is confessing our unbelief, asking Him to heal us.  Because He will heal us, if we would humbly come to Him.  I’ve seen Him do it in my heart.  And you know what else friends; He always answers our prayers (just not always the way we want).

Yes, life is still challenging for me.  My health is not what a 28 year olds should be.  I should be able to do more throughout the day without becoming exhausted, but I can’t.  This is a reality for me.  I can’t do the things I want to do quite yet, but that’s okay.  It really is.  And it’s okay for you too in your own challenges.  At least, it can be.  Jesus really will give us peace through the gracious power of the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes it takes a long time, and trust me it’s taken a lot of wrestling, prayer, confession, scripture memorization, and the choice to believe even when I don’t want too in this area of my life.  And this is just one part of my life!  It is truly a life long journey of allowing God to transform all of me and you for His glory and our benefit! 

I look forward to the day when my health is restored to me, but in the meantime I am choosing to rejoice and be glad!  I know my God is more than able to restore my health like I’ve never experienced, but even if He didn’t I know my God has done great things for me; far too many to count.  You know, that whole raising me to new life, cleansing me of every sin thing He did through His Son Jesus Christ? Yah, that’s a pretty big deal, and something to rejoice over!  Sure, I won’t experience it fully until I meet my Savior face to face, but this is why the Bible says “we live by faith, not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7).”  We’ve got to stop viewing our lives and the condition of the world through our own lenses.  Instead, we need to look at the world through God’s lenses, seeing the bigger picture of redemption through Jesus Christ in our lives and the world.  I don’t know about you, but this gives me hope and something to rejoice over!  When we really study the Bible we realize just how caring our Father is and how big of a plan He has for all of creation.

So even though my health isn’t good, I will rejoice in God my Savior, believing in His love for me.  I love what the book of Habukkuk says (I would actually recommend reading the whole book).  Habukkuk complains to God quite a bit throughout the book, but listen to the declaration of this prophet at the closing of the book. 

 

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.” Hab. 3:17-19

What about us?  Can we make this same declaration of faith?

Insecurity: The Need for More

"Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." John 4:10

 

So I went on a bit of a blog breakJ.   I’ve been preparing for a Bible study at our church about the life of Joseph and it has taken a lot of my time and focus.  I’m pretty excited about it.  I hope to share some insights from it here on my blog!

On Saturday Michael and I took a quick trip down to St. Louis.  On the drive down I decided to do some reading.  I actually re-read a chapter out of a book I’ve been reading, I’ve found it to be so helpful as I prepare for the Bible study on Joseph.  The book is, From Dream to Destiny by Robert Morris, and is actually a book I’ve referred to in a recent post (Pacemaker: The Ups and Downs).  The chapter that I re-read out of the book was the chapter on pride and Morris mentions that he believes a lot of our pride comes from the “root of insecurity.”  He goes on to say, “If we take a closer look we can see something lying behind this sense of insecurity.  It is fear—fear that people won’t accept us or value us unless we know how great we are.  So we talk about ourselves in the hopes of being considered worthy of acceptance of others.”

Oye…I ran right into a wall.  I sat there for a moment and this thought went through my head: No, this wasn’t talking about me because I’d dealt with my issues already in seminary.  I heard a sermon yesterday where the pastor said we have a tendency to hear a message or read a scripture and immediately think it’s for someone else and never us.  If that’s you, if you are constantly seeing others instead of seeing yourself, I’m just going to be blunt, Satan has deceived you.  Stop looking at others and starting looking inward.  Let God work in you.  Let Him redeem you.  Let Him set you free.  We’ve all got unhealthy patterns that will take the journey of walking with Jesus to help heal.  Some things are healed in an instant but others will take years of walking with and surrendering to the Lord Jesus Christ. 

At least, this is what I am learning in my own journey.  Because as I sat there in the car and let this idea sink in a little further, it began to dawn on me that yes I had begun working through my own unhealthy issues of pride/insecurity/perfectionism in seminary but that didn’t mean it still didn’t rear its ugly head in other ways

You see, I’m a recovering perfectionist.  I cannot thank the Lord Jesus for the ways He has freed me from this.  He has buried so many lies in my life.  But if I could be honest for a moment, I know I’ve still got some issues to work through in this area.  They’ve probably always been there I just didn’t realize it until now, because I was a bit blind (that’s what pride and insecurity does).  But now, by the grace of God, my eyes have been opened to a greater Truth, a great freedom which is available to me and to you in Christ Jesus.  I think when Jesus sets you free in certain areas of your life; it opens you up to the Truth of your own heart.  Something that you were once blind too, you now see. 

Could it be that we really could be completely secure in the amazing reality that we are sons and daughters of the Upmost High King?  I think it could be.  No, I know it could be.  Identity is found in Jesus Christ and His relentless love for us, everything else is an exhausting empty pursuit.  When identity is found in Christ we will no longer need the accolades of others or have the desire to please everyone we meet.  We will know that the only person we have to please is our Heavenly Father who will always guide us in Truth. 

Gracious Father, there are many ways we have been blinded by insecurity and pride.  In your grace and power would you open our eyes to your Truth.  Father it’s here that we find true and lasting security in Christ Jesus.  No longer do we define ourselves by our externals, but by your Love.  We entrust this work to you and rejoice over the chains you will break in our own hearts.  Christ, be our one and only.  We love you.  We need your help to help us walk this journey of faith.  Thank you for never leaving us nor forsaking us.  Amen. 

 

I wonder how your eyes have been opened to a greater Truth in Christ Jesus?  I’d love to hear, please feel free to share!

The Holy Spirit: Untapped

Lately, I have been drawn to the book of Acts.  In reading the Words of this book of the Bible I am struck, utterly struck by the complete, unadulterated reliance the early church had on the Holy Spirit (you know, the third part of the Trinity that we hardly ever talk about) and their emphasis on authentic community.  These are both absolutely vital pieces to our life as a church!  My friends are we grieving the Holy Spirit or are we praying as an authentic community for the Holy Spirit to fall a fresh on us?  And I mean really fall on us; knock us over, can’t stand up and move on without being changed type of fall. 

God has greater works in store for us, but we cannot accomplish these on our own volition.  These are God-sized plans, which will take God-sized power.  In Zech. 4:6 we read, “'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.”  Friends, it’s time to come together as a body of believers who grow in authentic community, being challenged and held accountable, growing in the Word and praying for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit.    

What are we waiting for?  I do not know about you all but I'm praying for God's Holy Spirit to fall a fresh on me, our church communities, and world. 

What vision, what stirring is God doing within your own heart?  Does it seem impossible?  Maybe a little crazy?  Humbling?  Good.  It should. 

Think, this is a little much?  Radical perhaps?  Read the book of Acts and see how radical the early church was.  :)

Gracious Father, we pray for Your Holy Spirit to knock us over, to completely wreck us, so much that we cannot get up and move on without being changed.  We need your strength, on our own we cannot do it, but only by the Spirit's power.  Holy Spirit, fall a fresh on me!  Your power Lord God is made perfect in weakness!  We want to change and we want to make change for the sake of Jesus Christ, who died for all.  We are yours.  Father, grant us visions for you Kingdom.  Amen.

Potatoes and Faith

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Heb. 11:1

 Ok, so I’ve been back to the doctor again.  Why?  Because I keep hitting road blocks.  I feel a bit schizophrenic at times.  One week, I’m good, the next I’m fatigued.  Good news from the doctor, my heart is fine and so is the pacemaker.  Not so good news, doctor thinks it’s something else that’s making me so tired.  Ok, so we’ve got a bit of a challenge, but nothing my God cannot handle. 

You know, I’m beginning to wonder if that energy that I know I felt back in May was a gift from God, a taste of the healing that would come.  A taste that keeps me going and knowing there’s something better for me.  I hardly remember it now, but I know it was there and I believe in His timing it will return.  I was hoping it would have been by now.  I was thinking it would return in no time.  But it didn’t. 

This is truly a season in my life where I am being called to persevere in faith.  Can I tell you, I’ve been discovering just how small my faith in God really is.  God has shown me my impatience, my stubbornness, my just plain lack of faith.  I am beginning to realize that all the more as I walk this path of desiring to be well.  My life is on hold.  Yes, I want to get on with my life.  But right now, I’m called to persevere in faith, by the power of Christ in me believing God for better things yet to come.  But right here, right now God has some work to do in my heart, so I open my hands to Him so He can do the work of redemption He needs to do in my heart and life.

Faith is not something that comes overnight friends; it takes time, and sometimes even takes years to grow in a certain area.  I was thinking about the idea of faith and it reminded me of something that happened at dinner tonight.  Michael and I were hungry hippos for dinner tonight so instead of putting the baked potato in the oven and waiting the hour it would take to cook I decided to nuke it in the microwave.  In a matter of minutes it was done!  Now, I never do this.  Why?  Because the taste of a microwaved potato is just not the same compared to one in the oven, but alas, I did it, for the sake of convenience, hunger and downright impatience!

I don’t want a microwavable faith.  I want a faith that when I’m hungry, I wait with patient hope for what is real.  Not reaching for a quick fix, but only Jesus Christ to satisfy my needs.  Because I don’t want a microwaved potato that doesn’t taste as good, but a real potato that has cooked over time with a crispy exterior and a smooth buttery interior.  I want the same for my faith.  I want a faith that has grown over time, which produces something beautiful, resembling that of Jesus Christ.  But that means it going to be a journey.  It’s going to take time and struggle as I am emptied of the sin and filled to the fullness of the measure of God! 

You know, I believe I will be well.  During the month of August I’m going to pray for healing.  Would you pray with me?

Gracious Father, I want a faith that is grown over time.  I want a faith that when my heart yearns for something more in life, doesn’t reach for anything other than You.  I want to learn to be content; I want to grow in patient hope and prayer.  I want to speak with greater faith and hope when I think about the condition of my health.  Jesus, I want You.  Be glorified in me. I entrust this work to your never-ending grace Amen.