Sitting at His Feet

“Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:42

I have had a lot of time lately to just sit.  This is time that I would not normally have, but I’ve been given a gift; the gift of time.  Do you know what I’ve discovered in the quiet?  I need Him.  I need Him desperately. We all do.

I believe we all need time to get away, to be alone, and to work out some things with the Lord.  If nothing else, just to sit at His feet and be lavished by His Love!  To be nourished by His Word and Spirit.  To do the very things are souls were created to do, to worship Him.  We are foolish to think our souls don’t get a little messy at times.  In fact, the more I realize my need for Jesus, the more I see my own depravity and propensity towards sin.  It’s a beautiful thing really.  Jesus continues to show me the places in my heart that need some work; the lack of love, the selfishness, the pride, etc.  You’re probably wondering how this can be beautiful.  It’s beautiful because it is here that redemption and restoration begins as we realize just how frail we are. We finally step aside, and Jesus takes His place and Jesus is more than welcome to be our all-sufficient Savior!  We cannot do it alone.  It’s time to lose ourselves completely to Jesus Christ.  Are you ready to be lost so you can be found?  I am.  And I’m not talking about salvation here, though I could be, but I’m talking about a lifelong journey of losing ourselves to the Lover of our souls.  As God reveals each piece, we surrender, so that He can put the puzzle pieces together to make a beautiful mosaic.  That beautiful mosaic is who you are in Christ.   

Stop.  Did you hear me…I said stopJ.  Slow down.  Sit at His feet. Take time.  Be alone.  Be changed. 

Lord Jesus, You alone are our all-sufficient Savior.  Take our feeble efforts to follow You and grant us the strength and courage to soar on wings like eagles.  Fill our hearts with eternal praises; for You have surrounded us with songs of deliverance!  Jesus, we surrender…all.  Be glorified in us.  Amen.   

Pacemaker: Surgery #2

You know, I never seem to do things easilyJ.  I suppose it’s these times in my life that make me who I am.  Right?  This experience at the hospital was different from the first but also similar in many ways.  I didn’t sleep like last time, but this time I didn’t faint.  We ran into the obstacles like the last experience but this time it was different, this time I had much more peace about it. 

The first and biggest obstacle was that the surgery did not fix the twitching issue.  I remember feeling the sensation again after the surgery, but I didn’t freak out or get upset.  Why?  Well, I believe because there were a lot of people praying for me and I took a different perspective on this hospital visit than the first, if you’ll remember from my last post I talked about allowing Christ to be my strength instead of me trying to be strong.  I really think this helped. 

But, I told my doctor I was having the issue again and he wanted me to just give it a little time because he thought for sure the surgery would have fixed the problem.  So we did, but then came obstacle #2.  I kept setting off the alarm at the nurses’ station!  I actually set it off three times.  Something in my pacemaker made my heart beat jump up after I would make a slight movement in my bed.  I would reposition myself in my bed and all of the sudden my heart would be up around 100-130 or so.  My nurse runs in and asks me if I’m okay and I was, but I felt the twitching much more during these episodes; it became more like a pounding sensation than a twitch that I could actually feel out of my chest. 

So after 3 times of this my nurse convinced my doctor at 10:30 pm to send someone from the pacemaker device clinic.  So this nice looking man came in and played around with my pacemaker on the computer and got it so it wouldn’t race anymore when I made a slight movement.  He tried to work out the twitching problem, but said a couple of his colleagues and the doctor would be in in the morning to see what we could do.  The doctor came in and he wanted to run some extra tests to see if my heart had enlarged like it did when I was 11 and that might be part of the problem.  Thankfully it hadn’t.  The right side was a bit larger but nothing to be concerned about.  So after some more playing around with the pacemaker on their little computer we got the pacemaker to a place where I no longer felt the twitching.  At least, I didn’t at the time.  I actually do feel it still when I lay down at times but it is faint and nothing compared to what it was.  However, my doctor said if it continued he would have to consult other doctors on this because he was stumped.  One of the device guys said I might be feeling it because I’m so young and have good nerves.  I don’t know.  Right now, I'm just going to tell him, I'll live with it! 

I’m thankful I was able to still go home the day after the surgery.  I’m still a bit tired but I can see myself gaining a little more strength each day.  I also do not have near the pain or swelling I have the first time.  This definitely makes things easier!  I’m hoping that within the next two weeks or so I’ll be back to experiencing the same levels of energy and alertness I was a few weeks ago when things were going well.

Michael and I greatly appreciate your prayers.  I truly believe prayer is powerful and does something!  God has been so good to us.  I can’t wait to be Andrea again…and even a better Andrea than before because God has taught me and done so much over the past few months in my heart and life.  I’m excited.  Whatever happens in my life, good or bad, I know He’s in control and I can trust Him along the way…even when surgeries don’t fix things.  J To God be the glory!

You Have My Permission

6-12-12

I am the type of person who does not like showing weakness.  I have wanted to be strong, or at least appear to be strong throughout this whole process of having surgery again.  But can I tell you the best thing a very dear friend told me was that I don’t have to be strong and it’s okay to fall apart.  Wow, I cannot even begin to express to you how freeing it was to be given permission to cry or do whatever I needed to do in that moment.  Trying to hold it all together is absolutely exhausting, but we do it more often than not.  Some of us have done it for so long; we don’t know any other way to live.  Unfortunately because we have lived so long in this place we do not have the emotional capacity to let others grieve and mourn through life’s pains. 

Why are we so afraid to experience the pain that comes with life’s challenges?  Could it be a fear of our own?  Pride(I think that’s my issue)?  But what about when it comes to others, maybe we just don’t like seeing others hurt.  Or perhaps if we allow others to be vulnerable it just might stir some emotion in us and we might appear “weak” to others.  Now I put weak in parentheses because in being real and honest about the sorrow we feel we are quite the opposite of weak.  No, to be real, to admit we are weak is actually to say we are strong.  I think this is what the Apostle Paul meant in 2 Cor. 12:10b “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”   Being sad or down about something doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, no, that is normal.  It is when we stay there that it becomes a problem.  And Jesus does not want you to stay there. 

But Jesus can’t put back together a heart that hasn’t been broken.  Let me reword that…Jesus cannot put back together a heart that has not acknowledged it is broken.  I would argue that 99.9% if not all of us have something that has broken our hearts in one way or another.  When I got the news I had to have surgery again, you better believe my heart was broken.  Friends, I need the grace of God.  I am not a strong woman.  What strength I do have comes only from Him.  It is when I am weak that I experience the strength of Christ at work in me.  Because there’s something about being real that brings relief and a sense of freedom.  I do not want to appear strong for the sake of not appearing “weak,” but I find myself doing this at times.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I want to be weak, so I can have Christ’s strength and I want to let others do the same.  I hope you do too.

Don’t be afraid to fall apart; don’t think you have to hold it all together.  You don’t have to be strong.  He will be strong for you.  Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. (Is. 61:1)  “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” (Luke 5:31)  Jesus cannot heal a self-righteous heart that sees no need for Him, or has no hope of healing.  Do we truly believe if we allowed Christ in He could heal us, or does hopelessness guide our lives?  Turn to Jesus, even if you heart doesn’t believe and ask Him to turn your sorrow into hope.  Memorize scriptures such as Ps. 43:5, Rom. 5:3-5, Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Phil. 1:6, Zeph. 3:17, Is. 61:1-3 and keep repeating them asking God to grow roots of belief.  I believe He can heal us and I will stand on that truth, by the grace of God, until the day I die.    

So friends, you have my permission.  Go ahead; fall apart, but in doing so remember you are not meant to stay there.  This is so very important to remember.  You are not meant to stay in despair!  Your heart is not meant to be in shatters.  It is meant to be whole. Call on the Name of Jesus.  Turn to Him and be restored.  It might take time, but don’t give up!     

Pacemaker Surgery...again

Maybe you’re wondering why I have to have pacemaker surgery again.  Well, this is why.
 

If you’ve been following my blog, you would have read that everything was going great.  I was experiencing energy like I had not experienced in many many months, but in the midst of this I was also experiencing a very uncomfortable muscle twitching in my chest.  Come to find out the muscle twitching was caused by the 2^nd lead.  The 2^nd lead/wire makes the bottom chamber of my heart beat.  So the doctor decided to turn off the lead to alleviate the twitching.   I still had the 1^st lead which makes the top chamber of my heart beat.  Unfortunately, the natural pacemaker of my heart does not have my bottom chamber beat at all.  So this means that currently the bottom chamber of my heart is not working.  They said that I might get tired and would need to see how I felt and report back to them.  Well, as time went on I started getting more and more tired.  I started feeling like I used too, tired and worn out.  So I went back to the doctor to report my woes.  During this visit he said to me, I want to go back in and reposition the lead before I turn on the 2^nd lead.  I said, wait, what do you mean you want to “go back in?”  Well, we all know what he meant by that now, don’t we?  But before we talked more about that I was supposed to see how I felt after a week because he tried changing something else in the pacemaker and but it didn’t do anything.  The energy I had a couple of weeks ago is now fading.

I got the phone call from my doctor’s nurse on Monday afternoon and she informed me that he wants to do the surgery with the hope it will stop the twitching and he can turn the 2nd lead back on.  He does not want to turn it back on until we try to fix this twitching problem.  Now, the surprising part to me in all of this was the extent of the surgery.  I guess it should have clicked in my head earlier that the surgery would have to be a repeat surgery so I would basically be experiencing the exact same thing, but perhaps I was hoping for the best or not even wanting to think that was a possibility.  I don’t know. 

My surgery is schedule for 11am on June 14^th.  I will be staying overnight again.  The nurse told me  the surgery would be about the same because it’s a lead/wire that needs either repositioned or replaced.  So the pacemaker has to come out and be put back into a place that hasn’t had enough time to fully heal, this means I’ll be in pain.  Maybe the same amount, but I sure hope not.  You see, if it was just replacing the pacemaker battery it wouldn’t be this extensive, but because it’s the lead it makes a difference.   It means I’ll have the same restrictions with raising my arm above my shoulder.  I can’t do it again for two weeks because if I move too much I’ll pull the wire from my heart and well, that would be awful.  So we’ll be back to wearing the sling, no driving, and no lifting more than a few pounds for two weeks. 

Yes, I know this is for the best and what has to do be done, but wow was it a hard pill to swallow.  I remember getting off of the phone with the nurse and I just started to cry.  The only thing I knew to do was to call on the Name of Jesus, so that’s what I did.  I repeated the Name of Jesus over and over again and for a moment I felt love and as though everything was going to be okay.  And it is going to be okay.  I'll be okay.  We'll be okay.  Why?  Because of His grace, His love, His presence. 

Life is not always going to go the way we hope and that really is okay.  Everybody has difficulties and pains.  I’m not the only one.  I’m sure you have them do.  May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ grant you courage and strength too to keep moving forward.  If we would turn to Him, Jesus promises us He will grant us the courage we need for each step.  “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Cor. 12:10

Lord Jesus, I am weak, but You are strong!  Grant me Your courage!

Pacemaker: The Ups and the Downs

6-3-12

So I’m tired again.  Thanks be to God not as bad as I did before the pacemaker, but I just feel worn out during the day.  I am not experiencing the alertness and energy as I was a couple of weeks ago.  The doctor made a change in my pacemaker due to the twitching sensation I was feeling in my chest and they warned me this change might cause me to become tired again.  Basically what they did was they turned off the part which tells the bottom chamber of the my heart to beat because the lead, which has my bottom chamber beat, was causing my muscle to twitch.  I went back on Tuesday to see if I could get this turned back on.  He informed me that in order to turn that part back on he would want to go back in and reposition the lead.  Which means more surgery.  I told him I’d deal with the twitching, but he doesn’t want to do that.  I can understand that.  So he made a small change, but from what I can tell it really hasn’t done anything.   I'm hoping to go back to the doctor ASAP to see what our next step is, whether it's surgery or not.  

I really just want to feel well.  I can’t even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to feel well for those couple of weeks.  It felt like I had my life back in so many ways.  At the same time though, it almost feels like it never happened.  It seems more like a dream than a reality.  I know God has something better for me; it’s a matter of being patient, of trusting, of believing by faith and not allowing this bump in the road to deter my focus on Jesus.  Easier said than done though, isn’t it?  It’s a daily battle of choosing to believe, and relying on the Holy Spirit for the grace to believe. 

There have been so many times of the recent months and days where I have had to make a very conscious decision to believe in the promises of God because of various things and circumstances in my life.  I wish I could tell you my faith has been as solid as a rock, but then I’d be lying.  I’ve had some tough days.  Why?  Well, I believe because I’ve allowed discouragement and despair to sicken my heart.  I have stayed in these places of self-defeat instead of proclaiming the Word of God in my life, and asking for the grace and mercy to believe in it even when my circumstances tell me differently.  So yesterday, I had to do some repenting of my unbelief.  You know what though; afterwards I did feel renewed in my faith.  God really can change us by His grace if we’d only turn to Him, repent, and ask.

So here’s what I came too yesterday, I can either wallow in self-pity or I can rise in Jesus’ Name believing in His power to overcome my emotions.  I can walk by faith and I can walk in victory.  Not by my power, but by the work of Christ in me, I can.  God has a purpose for us in these times of testing and trial.  Believe it or not, He does it because He loves us and longs to produce in us a harvest of righteousness which bears fruit in Him.  Satan would love us to believe the opposite.  My friends, “Resist him, standing firm in the faith,” (1 Pet. 5:9a).  Whatever it is that you are going through, if your mind is being bombarded by unwanted thoughts, if your health is poor, your family is falling apart, do not allow the Enemy to take any inch of joy and peace which is yours in Jesus Christ! 

I read this yesterday as my spirit was wrestling, Rom. 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

God uses these times to produce something glorious in us, but we have to allow Him to do the work He needs to do.  He has greater work for us to do and greater work requires greater character. I was reading a book by Robert Morris, From Dream to Destiny, and he goes through this passage of scripture and said something which struck me.  He says our response to God through trail and waiting should be one of thanksgiving because “You have said that this is going to produce something good in me.  You have said that this will produce patience.  So when I come out of this trail, I am going to have more of the fruit of the Spirit, and I am going to look more like Jesus.” 

Father, forgive me.  Forgive me of allowing my heart to be sickened by despair.  How I long to look more like your Son.  This is the path You have chosen for me, forgive me for wanting it to come to a close quicker than You desire.  You still have work to do in me.  Thank you for loving me enough to make me more like your Son and produce perseverance, character, and hope in me.  Gracious Father, do the work you need to do and in the timing you need to do it.  Make me more like Your Son Jesus and grant me the patience and hope to persevere by faith.  Amen.

Our Desire to Have a Child: Surrending

5-25-12

It was sometime around this time last year that Michael and I found out I was pregnant.  I cannot believe it’s been a year.  Retrospect is always a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  In looking back over this past year, I know God has been over all of this.  I cannot even begin to imagine what my pregnancy would have been like considering the unknown condition my heart was in.  For that we give God praise. 

So this should teach me something, right?  It should teach me and remind me that God is faithful, He has a plan, and He’s working it out.  Though we may not fully see or understand He knows what He is doing.  His way is best, even if it hurts.  I wish I could have such faith and trust that my heart would not waver in these times.  I know He is working it out, but there’s this wrestling going on deep inside of me.  I want, but God is telling me to trust and to wait and frankly I don’t want to wait at times.  I know I say this a lot, but it’s so true.  I cannot rely on my feelings but on the Word of God which tells me He has a plan.  He has proven Himself so very worthy of my trust time and time again in my life.   

 The Lord knows Michael and I’s desire to have a family.  We talk and pray about it often.  Over the very recent months I knew I was sick and deep down inside I knew it wasn’t the right time.  I didn’t know how bad it was, but God knew.  Glory to His Name I’m getting better and seeing progress.  So now that I am getting better it only seems like the perfect time to become pregnant.  It’s so hard to walk by faith when your heart hurts.  Anybody? God knows exactly what He is doing, but so often I want to run ahead of Him.  Maybe you know what I am talking about.  Maybe your heart longs for a child, relief from some type of physical/emotional suffering, a companion in life, your spouse to appreciate you, or the salvation of a loved one.  This list could go on and on.  We all have desires.   

I do not have all of this figured out.  My faith wavers.  I’m an emotional gal.  I have a longing in my heart and I need God’s grace to help me trust Him more and more with this longing.  Maybe you do too. 

So this is my prayer, perhaps you can pray it with me.  Lord Jesus, I surrender, I submit, I let go.  You know what I desire.  You’ve known it all along.  Nothing is hidden from your sight, not a hair on my head goes without being numbered.  You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  You know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper and not to harm.  I wait for You, my soul waits, and in Your Word I put my hope.  Hope does not disappoint, because You have poured out Your love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.  Your grace is sufficient for me; Your power is made perfect in weakness.  Father, when I am weak, You are strong.  Forgive me of my lack of faith.  In Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Amen. 

Walking with Jesus: It's not so easy.

Nobody ever said walking with Jesus was easy.  Sometimes it is easier than others, but there’s this thing about walking with Jesus.  The more we walk with Him and the deeper we go means more and more of our selfishness/pride has to go too.  This is the difficult part.  Our old self, all the sin/pride/rebellion/self-righteousness/whatever dissipates as Jesus begins to fill us with His love and purpose.  The less we have of ourselves the more beautiful we will become as Christ begins to take over every area of our hearts.    

There will be times in my life when I feel like I’ve finally taken hold of a stronghold in my life.  But then those moments come where I am reminded of the sin or challenged once again with the question will I choose life and follow Jesus or will I choose that path I hate, but are so often drawn too.  Yes, I want to follow Jesus.  Yes, I want to live more for Him.  I cannot conquer strongholds or overcome temptation on my own, and neither can you.  By the power of the Risen Christ in us we can, but only according to His good purpose and glory.  Did you hear that last part?  Only according to His good purpose and glory.   I think it’s a very important piece.  Let me explain.  If for some reason God desires for me to struggle through an area of sin for longer than I’d like, my response should be that of praise and thanksgiving because “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose (Phil 2:13).”  I may not understand it, I may not like it, I may even wish it never happened but it’s not my feelings that give me any sense of Truth, it is His Word which guides me in Truth.  His Word must be my focus and yours.  God’s character and our identity in Christ are not determined by how we feel but on who God is revealed to us in His Word. 

I have learned over my years of walking with Jesus that we can pray a prayer for God to help us live victoriously but that does to mean the prayer is immediately answered.  Sometimes it is, but I think most times it isn’t.  Why?  Because God has so much more to do in us and it’s the journey of trusting Him in faith, even when the lies continue, the fears do not cease, and the battle seems like there is no end in sight.  Think about it friends, if God just answered our prayers in an instant, would we truly seek Him?  Would we really get to know Him?  God would be at our disposal giving us whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted without us having to submit anything to Him.  This is not how God works.  He’s a redemptive God who longs to make us whole and complete.  This work takes time. 

God loves us with an everlasting, perfect, complete love.  Let us not forget though that the Christian life is a battle.   The world, the flesh (ourselves), and the devil are all working against us.  My friends keep pressing on.  Keep putting your faith in the promises of God revealed in scripture.  Don’t regret the struggle, but remember God is working in you to make you more like His Son.   The journey may not be easy, but the reward is well worth it. And what is our reward?  Well eternal life for one, but in the meantime it’s the amazing journey of walking with the Lover of our souls.  The Apostle Paul sums it up pretty well in Phil 3:7-8 “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.”

Jesus really is real and alive.  The more I walk with Him, the more I realize this truth.  He is alive and He lives in me.  God knows exactly what He is doing, keep trusting, keep seeking, and keep believing Him for far better things.  “Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay (Hab. 2:3b).”