The Idol of an Unmet Desire, the Pain of Letting Go, and the Hope of Christ

Something in the depth of my soul would often twist and turn with a deep and lingering pain.  Sometimes it was so intense it drove me to tears. 

In those moments I would cry out, “Lord, I trust you.” 

I felt it in my bones.  I wasn’t physically ill and no one had purposefully hurt me, but my pain had come about from an unmet desire in my life. 

“Lord Jesus, be my delight, I trust you.  You are good.  You are all I need.”

Oh, how I longed for a husband.  Yet, I knew that God was the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  There were times when I was a fool and made the desire for a husband greater than my desire for Jesus Christ.  This caused me to enter into relationships with men who weren’t healthy and quite honestly, I wasn’t healthy either, because I was looking to a person to satisfy a deep longing within my soul instead of allowing an unwavering Savior to define who I was. 

“God, you must not really love me if you don’t have a husband for me.”.  I wrote in my journal one day. 

I was angry with God.  Didn’t He see that I was faithfully serving Him?  I was working in full time ministry and I deserved this blessing I told myself.  God owed me something. 

In my demanding of God for a husband he gave me over to my foolish demands, just as he did to the nation of Israel.  

 But when they said, “Give us a king to lead us,” this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord. 7 And the Lord told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king…But the people refused to listen to Samuel. “No!” they said. “We want a king over us. 20 Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles.”21 When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord. 22 The Lord answered, “Listen to them and give them a king.”- 1 Samuel 8:6-7 & 20-22

Israel rejected God as their King and demanded the LORD for a king to lead them.  In their foolishness they wouldn’t listen to Samuel nor remember the faithfulness and goodness of the LORD who delivered them out of slavery.  Instead they focused on those around them who had a king and so they demanded God for one.  Although it wasn’t good for them in order to teach them about who He is God gives them over.  As the story goes, it doesn’t go well for them and they eventually come to realize they were foolish in asking for a King, but they have to live with the consequences of their decision. 

God gave me over as well.  In fact, He gave me over twice, yes, twice.  You’d think I would have learned my lesson the first time.  The first time around I was so angry and demanding of God that He put a Christian man in my life.   He and I dated, got engaged and were almost married, before the brakes got put on 10 days before the wedding.  I was so desperate for a husband that in my unhealthiness I ignored the emotional abuse and controlling behaviors.  Had we married it would have been a disaster.  This was devastating to me that I had put so much of my time and effort to make this relationship work and it only ended in the long run.  I felt like I was standing in the middle of the desert and God had put me face to face with my sin.  I realized that I had made my desire for marriage an idol above my relationship with Jesus.  I repented, and God has brought healing, but oh, it was so very painful to walk through. 

The second time around, my issue was internet dating.  I was searching the internet looking for love.  It was my way to control my loneliness.  I could always find someone just as lonely as me to talk to or who was interested in me.  I dated a number of guys that I met off the internet, but all of those relationships ended.  I didn’t get it until God completely humbled me.  It was a man who I met on the internet, there was a good amount of distance between us and so we’d Skype and email all the time.  I thought for sure this man was my husband.  Until we met for the first time and I realized, wow, I had made a terrible mistake.  This “internet” relationship I had that seemed so perfect was not perfect in real life.  Although, he was and is a great man of God we both realized that our seemingly perfect cyber relationship wasn’t real in the real world. 

I was humiliated.  I was done with me being in control.  I cried out to the LORD for forgiveness.  This time I really was done with me. 

As I clung to the Lord in repentance over my foolishness I was very specific in how I prayed for a husband.  My hope was in Jesus.  He was and is my joy.  I was done looking to men to give me joy.  I was set on finding my hope and joy in Jesus Christ alone. 

As God’s providence would have it He placed a man in my life nearly two years ago who I thought was pretty cute, but I didn’t know much else about him other than he was a Christian.  As God’s grace would have it this man and I became friends.  We got to know one another as a brother and sister in Christ and God by His divine providence moved this man into the apartment right underneath me.  Our friendship grew and before we knew it our friendship turned into love. 

Rodrigo is everything that I have prayed for.  I am convinced that He is God’s choice for me.  He loves Jesus and He loves me.  He is a good man who I believe will lay down his life to provide for me and protect me. 

I am overwhelmed that God has provided and met this deep longing in my heart.  He used this deep longing to teach me so much about Jesus and strip me of sin.  I fell more in love with Jesus as I held fast to Him in repentance.  God is so good.  I’m so very thankful for His love. 

I look forward to the day that Rodrigo and I will be married (June 28^th of this summer!).  Yet, I know that my greatest joy is not in a husband but in Jesus Christ who is my delight. 

Author- Heather Douglas 

Heather is in love with Jesus Christ.  She is the Youth Ministry Director at the First Baptist Church in Aledo, IL.  She loves teenagers, laughter, and fitness.  When she's not keeping junior high boys from killing each other you can find her at the YMCA getting in a good sweat or out somewhere laughing with friends.  She's also a twin and lives where she was born and raised, serving at the church she grew up in.

Divine Change through the Darkness of Divorce

Author: Cassidy Doolittle 

Today, I joined a club I was absolutely certain I’d never become a member of: 

“Adult Children of Divorced Parents.”

My parent’s marriage had seen its share of good and tough times, but they always pushed through.  They always turned the corner. But not this time. 

And until the judge’s gavel fell eleven hours ago, I childishly hoped it was all a bad dream. 

But in an instant today, many things changed that I didn’t want:

-The big, noisy, family Christmas gatherings on the farm will never happen

-My boys will only know my parents as separate people in different states

-I have to start from scratch as far as what “normal” looks like with family

-My identity has been shaken as I think back on memories:

Crawling in between them as a child during thunderstorms.  Crawling in between them as a teenager squeaking in before curfew.  Seeing them in the stands at my track meets.  Watching them laughing  loudly while playing cribbage.  Spying them kiss in front of the kitchen sink.

I wanted my kids to crawl between them during thunderstorms.  To look up and see them cheering from the stands.  To gross out their grandsons with unapologetic kisses.  To tell them how they fought...and won...for their marriage.  I wanted miraculous harmony waved over all of us with the sweep of some Cosmic Magic Wand.

But none of that will happen now.  And as I sit and think about all of the components, relationships, timing, and outcomes that led up to this day..something dawns deeply upon my grieving soul, as if the Holy Spirit pulls me from the sadness of this day to the beautiful reality of all the incredible things this journey of marital demise has birthed in me. 

A strong, unshakable marriage:

Both my parents have talked to Steve and I about their regrets, unhealthy patterns, and mistakes as they encouraged us to not repeat them and instead put our marriage at the forefront of any other relationship.  To compromise...laugh...invest...speak...listen...pray.  Their hindsight has helped make our current and future marriage so much more secure. 

Cemented Sisterhood:

My two sisters and I have experienced a bonded friendship, camaraderie, and growth that would never have occurred to this depth and level had we not all gone through what we did as a trio.  I have gained two best friends as we journeyed through this process together.

Proactive Parenting:

We have learned much about how to glean the good from our upbringings as we parent, and do our best to seek wisdom from God and others to change what didn’t work.  It is hard to change imprinted patterns.  It is messy to mulch part of your family tree to grow something new and healthy from the debris.  But it is good.  And both my parents celebrate the changes we’ve made and cheer us on as we raise our boys differently.

Deep, Unmoving Faith

This I would count as the most valuable prize from the fallout.  In all my life, I have never trusted, depended, loved, pleaded with, clung to, wrestled with, rejoiced in, wept to, or praised God more.  He used this specific process of pain to sharpen my senses and pull me from the dulling monotony of suburban life to recognize His perfection, constancy, power, and unconditional love. 

Did I ever wish for my parents to divorce?  No.  But has God used it for unprecedented growth, generational change, and deep joy in my life?  Absolutely, unequivocally  “Yes.”  And for that, I lift my hands in praise to Him as never before, and thank Him for this pain. 

I will never be the same.  And thank God that I will never be the same.

Author:  Cassidy Doolittle 

Cassidy is married to Steve and spends her day wrangling their two handsome little boys, Jake and Andy.  The oldest of three girls, the daughter of a farmer, and a former nurse in the psychiatric ward, it's safe to say that Cassidy has almost seen it all.  Cassidy and her husband Steve live in Fort Worth, TX.  Cassidy also writes for and serves as the director of author and relations for the SozoWomen blog. To read more from Cassidy please visit http://sozowomen.com.   

Failure, Shame, and Disgrace…Oh My!

 Have you ever felt like a failure or felt a sense of shame and disgrace?  I know I have.  If I were a betting gal I’d bet that you have too.  Satan LOVES to fill our hearts with shame, failure, and disgrace.  Why?  Because he wants to fill us with so much despair that we give up.  Give up on what?  On the calling and destiny that God has for us in our marriages, families, spheres of influence, ministry, health, etc. 

Recently I was wrestling with my own sense of failure and disgrace and the Lord took me too Isaiah 54.  Here’s what God says about His people who have suffered and felt destitute like the barren woman who can have no children.  Watch this in v. 2-3, “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.  For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.” 

Feel like a failure?  Ever felt like that destitute, barren woman?  I have, not only physically but spiritual and emotionally.  YET, God says to us stretch out your tent.  Aka, DON’T GIVE UP!  In fact, we are called to expand and be strengthened.  What calling has God placed on your life, what dream in your heart?  There’s comes a time when we need to take a risk and stretch out our tent.    

As we walk in humble obedience before the Lord, in His gracious timing He will restore us and take our disgrace.  Often times God allows us to experience failure, shame, and disgrace in order to grow us into the person He desires us to be.  He is preparing us for our destiny, stripping us of ourselves to fill us with more of His Son.  So, Beloved, you keep pressing on because God is working in you to build perseverance, faith, and ultimately the character of Jesus. 

I often wonder how much shame Moses, David, Hannah, Mary, Joseph, Paul, and Peter felt.  Yet, God used them in some pretty powerful ways! 

I'm Hungry

“Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?  Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.”  Is. 55:2

With pregnancy comes many symptoms that go beyond your control and one of those is hunger.  For those of you who have been pregnant or married to a pregnant woman you can sympathize with me when I say there are moments were I am so hungry I’d pay $20 for a piece of fruit or quietly but secretively take a bite of yours.  J 

The truth is, we get hungry spiritually too.  Sometimes we get so hungry we start grabbing for the wrong things, things that won’t satisfy.  You know, in those moments when you’re longing for love, purpose, and a sense of control?  Your ‘food’ of choice could be busyness, self-pity, or some type of hobby, etc.  If you don’t know ask God to show you, He will.  God tells us in His Word to come to Him.  Here’s the awesome reality; coming to Him for our true satisfaction is free and offered to us because He so full of grace and love for His children.  There’s something so marvelous and satisfying about the Word of God.  In those moments when my heart is hungry and I open the Word it’s like getting that pear when I’m hit with a wave of pregnancy hunger.  It’s relief, it’s nourishment, and it gives peace like nothing else and trust me it’s way better than a pear!  Yep, it’s that powerful.  It’s God’s Word after all. 

So the question remains, are you feasting on the Word of God?  Are you delighting in the richest of fare?  It’s time to stop trying to fill those longings with anything else, God’s Word tells us it won’t satisfy and that my friends is the truth. His Word has pulled me out of so many pits in my life and I know it can yours!  

FBC Women's Retreat 2014 Part 2 "The Battle of Gettysitright"

Our second message from our women's retreat, Walking with Jesus: Step by Step, Season by Season. Andrea Mercier shares from 2 Chronicles 20:2-22 in her message, "The Battle of Gettysitright." Did you know we are in a battle? Andrea encourages us to take up our positions in Christ to stand firm against sin, Satan, and this world so that we can walk in deeper victory with Jesus. *We apologize for the glare on the powerpoint which makes it unable for viewing.

FBC Women's Retreat 2014 Part 1 "Life's Tough, Get a Helmet."

Our first lesson from our women's retreat, Walking with Jesus: Step by Step, Season by Season. Andrea Mercier shares from Exodus 13:17-22, 14:10-15 in her message "Life's Tough, Get a Helmet." Andrea encourages the women to let go of their 'helmets' and embrace the long, sometimes confusing road that leads towards deeper freedom in Christ. She shares from her own life, and a part of the journey of suffering God has taken her on. *We apologize for the glare on the powerpoint making it unable to view on the video.

Running Away: It's Time to Come Home

"Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay" Hab. 2:3

Was there ever a time in your childhood when you felt like running away?  Perhaps you almost did; you got the letter ready, packed a PB n J, and your favorite toy to discover you were too afraid to do it?  You knew it wasn’t a good idea, you’d be leaving a place of shelter, a family who loved you, and what would you eat tomorrow? 

As I reflect upon my life and the most difficult season of life to date which began towards the end of 2010, there have been many times where I felt like running away.  Why?  Because life didn’t go like I wanted it to nor expected it to go.  It was so much harder than I expected.  It seemed like every time I’d get somewhere or do something I’d have a setback or two follow me.  I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  It’s like God was taking me on a journey where I’d long to do things but for the life of me, I could not make them happen.  Have you ever been there?  In a place where it feels like things just are not going right?  As I reflect on this season of my life, I know all along God was trying to get my attention and bring me to a place of deeper trust and rest, to empty me of my own self-sufficiency, plans, and independence.  I was learning what it means to really praise God for His love, and not how He lives up to my expectations.  Wow, that sounds selfish, doesn’t it?

On this journey I have felt useless, embarrassed, defeated, out of control, weak, frustrated, fed-up, tired, and just plain done.  I wonder if anyone else ever has?  Yep, that’s called the stripping process.  It’s not easy, in fact, it’s very painful, but it is the redemption my sinful heart needs.  I’m so glad that the Lord disciplines those He loves, that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us, that God always leads us in triumphal processions in Christ, that it is God who works in me to will and act according to His good purpose, and that the God of all grace, after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast (Heb. 12:6, Rom. 8:18, 2 Cor. 2:14, Phil. 2:13, 1 Peter 5:10). 

Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle.  He does.  Whoever told you He doesn’t, lied.  Trust me, there have been days where it has been too much for me.  You see, it’s about God bringing us to a place where we say, I get it, I can’t do it on my own, and I need You.  I just need You.  What is it about the Lord my friends, He really is that Rock that will never fail us, a constant help in times of trouble.  He stands up to His Word Beloved!  He is more than enough for us.  I never realized how sinful, so full of pride and selfishness I was before God took me on my journey to brokenness.  I’m so glad He did, because now we can get rid of that and get more of Jesus.  Hallelujah! 

I love Jesus and I CANNOT live without Him.  I’ll fall to pieces.  I can live without my sin--my pleasures, my comforts; my plans BUT I CANNOT live without Jesus.  What about you?  Are you falling to pieces?  Let God put you back together.  Have you run away from God or your responsibilities?  It could be an emotional abandonment.  We don’t physically have to leave something to have actually left it.  Come back to the Father like the prodigal son to find grace, healing, and forgiveness.  God may ask you or He may just take your comforts from you.  Give it to Him, I have a feeling it’s much easier than it being stripped from you.  It’s not worth holding on to.  It won’t bring your heart freedom, but the Lord Jesus can and does.  So why not come home to the Father?   

We serve a God of redemptive grace my friends, even in the midst of life’s most terrible, frustrating storms He gives us glimpses of His grace.  As I reflect further on this season I have also seen the hand of God move to protect me, sustain me, and grant me grace after grace.  Even more recently, I have seen the hand of God move graciously on my behalf to bring restoration to my body with my recent pregnancy and blood pressure that is finally back to normal.  I’m still praying for more restoration, but in the meantime, I’m learning to rest in my Father who sees and is more than enough for me!