Seasons

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.” Ps. 51:17 

There are different seasons to life and no I’m not talking about winter or spring.  I am talking about the different phases of life we all experience as we grow and age.  Some of these seasons we love and wish would never end, some seasons we wish we never would have experienced, while some seasons we like but after a while we also want them to end. 

I was talking with a mentor of mine last week and she said to me something which really stuck out and I have tried to allow it to do something in my heart.  She said something to the effect of; you have to believe that in this new season of life there is the gracious abundant love of God.  

I have been thinking about this, trying to really wrap my head around it.  Because here’s the thing; this whole letting go of and wanting things in your life but not having them is not easy (I have blogged about it before, the difficulty of letting go and of allowing God to work in the timeouts of life).  Deep down I know and I believe that in this season of life, though it is unexpected and truthfully not all I long for, there is the overflowing love of God for me. 

You see, my problem is, I’m a bit of a fighter.  I always have been.  I’m pretty good at getting my way and what I want.  I figure things out fairly easily and tend to make them work for me.  Well, you know what friends; I cannot get this season to work for me.  At least not in the timing I want it to work in :). And this is really where I have gone wrong, isn’t it (and if probably why I need the humbling)?  We know that as followers of the Lord Jesus Christ we are in big trouble when we start living with the perspective of me.  It is not about me, my plans, nor my control it’s about the gracious and glorious plans God has for me and for all creation.  It is good to be humbled by the Lord, but my goodness does it hurt.  You know what I am talking about; I bet you have experienced it for yourself. And if you haven’t, I would be so bold to suggest to you that you should ask God to humble you.  Why?  Because it is where freedom is found. 

Freedom, you say?   Let me try to explain.  In this season of my life, God really has showed me so much, and not only about myself, but about Him.  My faith is growing roots, it’s becoming not just something I believe because it is what I read, no, I believe it because I have made a conscious choice to believe it in light of my circumstances.  We build spiritual strength and character as we allow The Word to minister Truth to us, in essence God is building the character of Jesus Christ in us, and this my friends is true freedom.  I really wonder if our faith has any real depth unless we ourselves have come to this place. 

So what I am going to do in this season?  I am going to surrender.  And the next day after that when the old feelings/desires arise—I will surrender again and I will keep surrendering because it is not about me.  It is about Jesus.  God is working out all things, for my good and His glory (Rom. 8:28, Phil. 2:13).  This is the Truth I cling to in this season of life, because there is for me and for you the gracious abundant love of God. 

What does your heart desire?  What does it mean for you to give it to God? 

Christmas Every Day

"But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:10-11

I love Christmas.  When I was a young child the one thing about Christmas that sticks out to me was the excitement I felt about opening gifts.  I always tried to play it off as though I was “Joe Cool” so to speak, but on the inside I was leaping with excitement and anticipation.  I would wake up throughout the night, my eyes would dart to the clock to find it was only two in the morning, then four in the morning, until finally the clock said six in the morning!  Six in the morning!   This, this was the time, the time when we were able to wake up our parents and go get our gifts!  Ready or not Mom and Dad, here we come! 

One day we will be with Jesus and the excitement we once felt at Christmas will never ever, ever leave.  Now, I do not know about you, but sometimes my heart gets a little fluttery as I think about the return of Jesus Christ (and no it is not my pacemaker).  I have a feeling He is waiting with great expectation and excitement for the day His Father tells Him it is time to go get His Bride (Bride= anyone in Christ).  And once the Father tells him to come, my friends, ready or not because here He comes!  I hope you are ready because He is coming (Matt. 24:30).  When the Father says it is time, He will come and He will not delay.  I think a really good sign of a follower of Jesus Christ is that not only are they ready for Him to come back, but they long for His glorious return.  It is hard to fathom, but one day, it will be like Christmas every day of the year.  The excitement will never end.  Come Lord Jesus, come.  We celebrate YOU this Christmas season. 

The State of my Health Address: Setbacks

Living a life of faith and trust in God is tough, especially when things do not go your way.  Yes?  Now, could it be that God does not always give us what we want because He wants us to learn what it really means to walk by faith, to truly trust Him, and in doing so become more abandoned to Him?  Yah, I think so.  Stubborn people like me though do not give up easily, but the more I walk this journey the more I realize I cannot do it on my own.  I need Him. 

A few weeks ago I had more energy and was starting to feel better.  This was a great feeling.  I think I got ahead of myself though, well, I know I got ahead of myself and I overdid it.  It’s tough when you feel like you’re getting better because you want it just to snowball and snowball and snowball until you have the greatest most enormous snowball ever created (Well, at least that how my mind works).  But after that week of doing too much, I had a week where I just had to take time to recover because I was exhausted.  I felt like I had taken a step or two backwards and this only reminded me of how far I have to go on this journey of healing. 

I never would have thought I’d be at this place.  I’ve always been active.  I have, for the most part, always been able to do the things I want or need to do. I’ve always felt in control (Hmm…maybe that’s the issue).  I had a friend ask me one time in college what I would do when I get older, considering I liked to work out and run so much.  I said to her, well I will probably always do something, like walking, even when I am old.  Wow, well, God has definitely had other plans for me.  (Last blog update I talked about letting go of running).

I find this frustrating at times.  Why?  Because I want, but I just plain can’t have what I want, my body will not do what I want it to do.  I am not used to this.  So, I could crawl in my own little pit of pity and despair, complaining and grumbling because my life is not what I want it to be.  Nope.  Not me.  No more.  (Unfortunately, I have spent some time in this pit, and I don’t like it, it’s no fun and it does not get me anywhere but bitter and disappointed).  Words of wisdom: DO NOT go in this pit, put up the yellow caution tape, do whatever you have to do, but DO NOT go in this pit it is U-G-L-Y.  (Trust me, you will thank me later). J

I recently prepared a lesson I gave over Thanksgiving and in it I talked about the importance of having God’s perspective as opposed to our own little small me perspective.  It’s interesting how God usually gives us a message to impart to others that He is actually working in us to accomplish.  Yep, I am asking the Lord to change my perspective.  You know, until recently I have really felt at peace about my health and where I am at.  But after this week of recovery I found myself in a bit of a different state.

As I prayed and complained about this to the Lord asking for mercy, healing, and a faster recovery I kept hearing this verse come to my mind “Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me” Tell the Israelites to move on.” (Exodus 14:15)

Sigh. Ok Lord, I know, I get it, and I repent; no more complaining. It’s time to move on in faith (with Your help of course).

Our perspective really does make a difference.  I am asking God to give me His perspective when it comes to my health because if I do not live from His perspective I am going to be one sad kid.  His perspective tells me:  He has a plan.  I can trust Him. He is working in me for His glory and my good.  Through suffering and perseverance He is building the character of His Son in me.  He has done great things for me, and deserves my praise. Eternity is what matters, not the temporal.  Jesus endured and because He endured, through Him, I can too. Etc..

So as I continue to walk this road towards healing and you too walk your own path of healing maybe we can learn from each other.  I am learning just how small my faith is and how prone I am to wanting my own way.  So once again, I have got to lay it down.  So that is what I will do.  I will choose to believe, and I will choose to thank Him in advance.  Speaking words of faith instead of doubt, praise instead of complaining.  Relying not on my own power but the power of Christ in me.  Believing that through these acts of surrender He will restore my heart, my joy, my peace in Him. Because deep down inside I know He is working for my good, and I also know He has done so much for me it’s truly amazing.  He deserves my ceaseless praise, even if my life is not what I want or expect.  And even if He never did one more thing for me, I would still praise Him, why?  Because even though I don’t deserve it He willingly sent His Son for me and for you out of His amazing love and that my friends is worthy of praise.     

There’s a reason why I am still working through all of my health issues, God has got some character transformation to do in me and that’s a wonderfully beautiful thing. So once again I’ll submit.  I’ll let go. 

Gracious Father, I thank You and praise You for all You’ve done for me.  You have been gracious, loving, and more than patient with me.  Forgive me of my lack of faith and of wanting my own way.  Lord, I submit to the plans You have for me, though they may not be my plans, I believe they are for my good and most importantly Your glory.  I am not my own.  I am Yours.  As Mary responded to the Angel, so I respond:  “I am the Lord’s servant, Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Luke 1:38

How do you keep a positive perspective when life gets tough?  What is God doing in your own journey with Him?

Marriage Monday: In Sickness and in Health

Marriage is such a wonderful gift, but it is also a gift that takes a lot of work.  Michael and I have been blessed to be able to walk this life of marriage together for a little over 6 years now.  Over these six years we have experienced different seasons.  This current season has been one where we have experienced just a small taste of the commitment we made to each other when we vowed to love each other, “in sickness and in health.”  This is a season that neither of us would have chosen at this time in our lives, but here it is.  So, we have a choice, we have a choice to decide what we will do with it.  Will we allow it to refine our love and commitment to each other or will we allow it to divide us?   I believe God desires to use these times to refine our marriage and deepen our love.  This takes work, very intentional work on our part.    

We have definitely learned a lot and will continue to learn for the rest of our lives about what it means to be joined together as “one flesh” (Matt. 19:6).  Marriage is a journey; it’s this amazing gift God gives us which really shows us the reality of our own selfish hearts and offers us the opportunity to grow, mature, and become less in and of ourselves.  Yep, marriage is a refinement process; it’s challenging, it’s beautiful, it’s redemptive and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

This season has been a crazy couple of years together.  The miscarriage and longing to be parents, the pacemaker and the complications that came with that, and now my adrenal/thyroid glands which are not up to par.  Needless to say, it has been a lot.

Situations like these cause stress, don’t they?  Stress on a marriage can cause problems. So what do we do?  How do we grow as a couple and allow these times to build our love—instead of divide?  In no way am I an expert nor would I ever claim to be (Lord knows, I am still learning).  I am just a regular gal, who is walking with Jesus through life and trying to learn something along the way.  But below I have shared a couple of the lessons I have learned.  Maybe you’ll be blessed, encouraged, or challenged in your own marriage/relationships through my experience.   That’s my prayer.

Lesson #1: Find an outlet.

We do not readily do this.  Why?  Well, I think in part it is due to the mentality of our culture.  We hear things like, “Be strong!” and “Hang in there!” when we should be given the permission to fall apart if need be.  Friends, it is vital we talk about our feelings, and is important we find someone who knows how to really listen to a person in crisis.  

Listening is an art and only some really know how to listen.  Find a person who knows how, whether that be a friend, a support group, or a counselor.  You have feelings.  They need to get out.  They need to be heard.  It is wonderful to talk to your spouse about how you feel, you should be doing this throughout, but often times they cannot fully understand or it can be overwhelming for them.  I was so very blessed to be able to talk through my own feelings with friends who had either learned the art of true listening or who had experienced something similar to myself and had a level of understanding. 

Lesson#2: Ask for help.

You will also often find when you are sick that you need help with the everyday things of life.  Ask for help!  You would be amazed at how willing people are to help.  Most people just do not know how to help.  So go head and ask; do not be afraid to tell people what you need.  Be specific.  Do not try to do it all on your own.  This will help alleviate stress.  This was probably one of the most helpful lessons we learned.  I know it is difficult to ask for help because either we want to feel like we can do it all or we do not want to feel like a burden to others.  Friends, you cannot and you do not have to do it all alone, nor do you need to feel like a burden.  God made us for community and within those communities we should help each other. 

Now I did not mention the most important lesson we have learned, communication.  It's key, without a doubt. But I am a little tired of writing and I think you may be tired of reading so maybe I will write another blog about it sometime :).

In reflecting on both of these lessons learned I think both of them challenge us to put aside our pride.  Don’t you?  There is no shame in admitting we need help and cannot do things on our own.  No one is perfect.  No marriage is perfect.  No two people are perfect.  You are not perfect.  Your life is not perfect.  It was not meant to be.  So STOP trying to live like it should be.  It is just not going to happen. We are all on a journey and on this journey God desires to refine us.  Marriage is just one way He refines us.  These challenging times don’t have to be tools of division but can be tools of grace used to strengthen your love and commitment for each other.  But you have to make the choice what you will do “in sickness and in health.”

 

How have you walked through crises in your life?  Have you found them to strengthen your marriage or divide?  What practical advice can you give?

The State of My Health Address: A Time Out

So I don’t want to jump the gun because I feel like I have done that a few times in the recent months, BUT I feel like I have made some small steps in the right direction concerning my health (go here and here if you don't know what's been going on).  Yipee for small steps!  I used to want BIG steps, but I have come to the realization (by the grace of God) that this is going to be a journey and obviously God has some work to do in my heart which is going to take some time.  My responsibility is to be open to the work He wants to do and not try to rush it! 

In some ways I feel like I’m in a bit of a timeout.  The things I used to do and enjoy I don’t do any more; I just can’t, at least not right now.  In fact, I was thinking the other day about  how I used to run all the time and realized I have not run consistently for almost 2 years.  Over these two years there have been moments on this journey where I have missed running and being active.  It was such a huge part of my life, but in ways God has brought me to this place where I have had to say, I may never run again (for those of you who know me, you know this is not easy for me to admit).  This has been a very recent and somewhat painful discovery.  In some ways I feel like I have to grieve, maybe that sounds odd to you but I think when we finally let go of the things that have been a part of our lives for so long we go through a process of grieving.  Maybe you know what I’m talking about?  You see, running/being active cannot be my goal in getting better.  I know for a while it was definitely one of my goals in getting better and God has been so gracious to show me otherwise:). 

I just feel like I’m on this journey where God is showing me where my true delight must be found.  It must be found in Him.  Not these external things or hopes I have went too to fill up my cup in the past.  You bet I used running as a tool to fill up my cup, and in many ways it was an unhealthy tool.  So here I am, at a place where I am realizing my life is not my own.  My pursuits in life are vain without Christ.  I’m being broken and what an amazing, transforming, painful place it is. 

 

A while back I prayed a prayer where I asked to the Lord to break me.  I really think He is.  Yes, this has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but in this season where I am being stripped of so many things I have experienced the risen Christ in ways like never before.  I do not know how to explain it any other way but—GOD.  My heart is at rest in ways like I have never known before.  Sure I get discouraged at times, but my heart finds great comfort in His Word:

“for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Phil. 1:19-21 

Here’s my encouragement to you all.  Pray that prayer.  Pray that God would break you.  You will be amazed at the things God will start to do.  He will start taking away your “control”, He will start crumbling your walls of self-protection and He will start filling you with the character of His Son. 

Sound a bit crazy?  Perhaps.  I can tell you though friend, it is where true freedom is found, as we are emptied of ourselves and filled with the love and power of the Holy Spirit.    

Want to be freed from those addictive behaviors/thought patterns?  Desire to experience health in your relationships and interactions with others?   Tired of being co-dependent? Controlling? Afraid?

Then let Jesus break you.  You will not regret it, but know it will be a long/trying/exhausting journey.  Don’t give up.  Satan will throw different distractions/confusions/lies at you to keep you from moving forward, but he cannot keep you stuck in despair.  Keep abandoning yourself and relying on the Lord Jesus, He will push you forward!

Precious Jesus, would you empty us of ourselves and fill us with You.  We want to be free.  We are tired of being controlled by the things of this life and the brokenness of our hearts.  Jesus, save us from ourselves!  Break us and make us whole.  We need you.  We trust you.  We give ourselves to You.  Come Holy Spirit, to the glory of God, come! 

Raise that Flag!

“We raise our white flags, we surrender all to you." Chris Tomlin

The ladies and I have been studying the life of Joseph for our women’s small group (join here).  Wow, there is so much we can glean from Joseph’s story.  I am struck by the overwhelming theme of preparation throughout this story.  God had to prepare Joseph for His destiny and He has to do the same with us.  This time of preparation was not an easy one; it was difficult, trying and I’m sure just plain confusing at times for Joseph.  Why so hard?  Well, I believe, because the “old self” (our controlling sinful nature) don’t just disappear in an instant! 

I heard it said once that, God is more concerned about the journey than He is the destination.  It is on the journey that we learn who God is, who we are, and just how much we need Him.  And somehow, some way when we learn to really walk with Jesus on this journey we find joy, hope, and peace that we have yet known.  Friends, we really can courageous unexplainable lives, which can only be explained with one word--GOD.  Ladies and gentlemen, our God is calling us to a deeper faith, a deeper surrender.  He’s on the move and it is preparation time.  I’m raising my white flag, how about you?   

The State of My Health Address

I thought this might be a good time to give an update on my health situation and the things I’m learning from my journey. 

As I wrote about in my last blog I finally found out I have a problem with my thyroid and adrenal glands, which is causing some of my fatigue, cold hands, excessive thirst, infertility, etc..  I have been going to a holistic Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine to be treated for both of these issues.  Why this kind of treatment?  Well, every blood test I took for my thyroid and adrenal gland always came back fine.  I tried to get into an endocrinologist a few months ago but the doctor would not see me until I had a blood test that came back positive.  In retrospect I’m very thankful for this because I would much rather try to tackle something more holistically if I can. 

To start things off she had me do a 21-day cleanse, which actually turned into a 36 day cleanse (that’s what I get for not following directions and it just took my body longer to get rid of the bad!).  The cleanse was basically to help cleanse my liver of the toxins I’ve gathered over the years from certain medications, foods, metals and such.  On the cleanse I took a few supplements, ate two yummy :/ shakes a day and ate a strict gluten free, no sugar, no dairy, no nuts, no beans diet.  I know, you’re wondering what I ate and are cringing at the thought but I really enjoyed it and I honestly did not feel deprived at all!  My doctor has actually advised me to continue to eat clean in order to help my body heal itself naturally.  So, I’ve decided to continue eating a clean diet (I just recently added raw dairy to the mix).   

Here’s the crazy thing; I had no idea just how much I needed this cleanse.  I had quite the time on the cleanse.  Needless to say I felt awful.  Why?  Because my body needed to get rid of the toxins!  And after it finally did, I started feeling better. 

You know, if you looked at me from the outside would you guess I would need a cleanse?  Would you guess I’d be the type of person to have a pacemaker?  I appear to be healthy and in good shape.  You see friends; this is what God has been teaching me throughout this process.  Looks can be deceiving.  Families can appear healthy and as though they have it all together, people can appear as though they are happy and content.  Appear is the key word here.  I appear to be healthy--but I’m not.  Some people/families appear to be healthy, but they are not. You could even say something teachings in the church appear to be biblical, but they are not. 

I don’t want to be the type of person whose pride gets in the way of living a real, raw, authentic life.  You see, I’m a broken person being made new by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  I don’t have it all together.  I used to think I had to appear as such, but God has shown me otherwise.  Freedom is found in authenticity.  Living as though we appear to be strong, that’s pride and that’s sin and there’s no freedom in that, trust me I’ve been there I know how burdensome it is. 

Here’s the other thing I’ve learned.  Sometimes, in order to get to a healthier state, physically, spiritually, or emotionally things may get worse before they get better.  Ever experienced that in your life?  My cleanse made me actually feel worse in different ways.  I sometimes wondered why I was doing this and if it actually made any difference.  Sometimes God takes us on these journeys where we may experience some type of suffering (look at Joseph’s life).   There’s something so awesome and unique about God because it’s in these times that redemption comes, IF we would surrender to Him and trust Him for the timing.  Timing, that’s the tough part, trusting in His timing.

Jesus came to put broken people back together (far better than we could ever do!).  Is. 61:1b “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,”  I want to become more like Jesus but this means my old self has to die.  This is NOT an easy, pain free process, BUT the outcome is well worth it.  I wonder if you’ve been broken before the Lord?  I know God is breaking me (Follow this link to hear me share how God is in the process of breaking me https://vimeo.com/51186239 ). 

I would greatly appreciate your continued prayers throughout this healing process.  I know it’s going to be a long journey, but I really think I've made a step in the right direction.  Praise God!  I haven’t been well for a while and I’m looking forward to being well again!  Blessings to you all!