The State of my Health Address: Conquered

It’s been just over a year now since I had both of my pacemaker surgeries.  I am still finding my strength, but as I reflect back on this time last year my heart is filled with gratitude.  There’s so much for me to be grateful for, so much.  I am thankful for the fact that I am not on a couch, I’m up, I’m moving around and I am getting stronger—to the glory of God.  I have found that I can do more, and have better focus throughout the day, slowly but surely I am making progress.  In the morning when I wake up or when I’m going on with my day and I see my pacemaker on my chest, or when I feel the twitching it causes at times—my heart fills with thanksgiving and I am humbled by the mercy of our gracious God. 

Sure, I have my moments; this process of getting better has its challenges.  I never realized how difficult and frustrating it would be to work towards building up my strength.  My adrenal/thyroid glands that aren’t working up to par have made it even more of a challenge, though thankfully they too are improving.  I’m learning to offer myself grace as I trust in the timing, strength, and perspective of God.  Yes, I’ve got a ways to go, but thanks be to God for how far we have come! 

What a humbling experience this has been for me.  I am fully convinced that the Lord has used this season in my life to humble me and for that I am grateful.  I have found a deep connection with the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:24-32 when he wrestled with God (many scholars believe this was actually the pre-incarnate Jesus).  One could say Jacob lived a pretty self-reliant life, mastering things in such a way to get what he wanted out of life.  At the end of the wrestling though Jacob is conquered, his name is changed, and he now walks with a limp.  I love what David Guzik says in his commentary:

“This is an invaluable place for everyone to come to: where God conquers us. There is something to be said for every man doing his “wrestling” with God, and then acknowledging God’s greatness after having been defeated. We must know we serve a God who is greater than us, and we cannot conquer much of anything until He conquers us.”

Jacob would walk with a limp for the rest of his life, a continual reminder that He was conquered by God.  What a gift.  I have prayed for God to conquer me, and you better believe this health journey has been a time where God has conquered me by showing me my own sinful heart, the self-reliance, and is stripping me of the pride that lies within to prepare me for the work He has for me in Him.  God has used this time in a redemptive way, isn’t that just like Him? 

Now, like Jacob, I have a reminder of God’s grace in my life, my pacemaker reminds me every day of the greatness of God, it humbles me reminding me of the frailty of life and of the fact I have been conquered by my God.  What a glorious place it is to be conquered by God, stripped of self-reliance and brought to a place of deeper trust, faith, and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ.

What are you personally struggling through?  How might God use it to conquer something in you and better prepare you for the work He has for you?