The State of my Health Address: Conquered

It’s been just over a year now since I had both of my pacemaker surgeries.  I am still finding my strength, but as I reflect back on this time last year my heart is filled with gratitude.  There’s so much for me to be grateful for, so much.  I am thankful for the fact that I am not on a couch, I’m up, I’m moving around and I am getting stronger—to the glory of God.  I have found that I can do more, and have better focus throughout the day, slowly but surely I am making progress.  In the morning when I wake up or when I’m going on with my day and I see my pacemaker on my chest, or when I feel the twitching it causes at times—my heart fills with thanksgiving and I am humbled by the mercy of our gracious God. 

Sure, I have my moments; this process of getting better has its challenges.  I never realized how difficult and frustrating it would be to work towards building up my strength.  My adrenal/thyroid glands that aren’t working up to par have made it even more of a challenge, though thankfully they too are improving.  I’m learning to offer myself grace as I trust in the timing, strength, and perspective of God.  Yes, I’ve got a ways to go, but thanks be to God for how far we have come! 

What a humbling experience this has been for me.  I am fully convinced that the Lord has used this season in my life to humble me and for that I am grateful.  I have found a deep connection with the story of Jacob in Genesis 32:24-32 when he wrestled with God (many scholars believe this was actually the pre-incarnate Jesus).  One could say Jacob lived a pretty self-reliant life, mastering things in such a way to get what he wanted out of life.  At the end of the wrestling though Jacob is conquered, his name is changed, and he now walks with a limp.  I love what David Guzik says in his commentary:

“This is an invaluable place for everyone to come to: where God conquers us. There is something to be said for every man doing his “wrestling” with God, and then acknowledging God’s greatness after having been defeated. We must know we serve a God who is greater than us, and we cannot conquer much of anything until He conquers us.”

Jacob would walk with a limp for the rest of his life, a continual reminder that He was conquered by God.  What a gift.  I have prayed for God to conquer me, and you better believe this health journey has been a time where God has conquered me by showing me my own sinful heart, the self-reliance, and is stripping me of the pride that lies within to prepare me for the work He has for me in Him.  God has used this time in a redemptive way, isn’t that just like Him? 

Now, like Jacob, I have a reminder of God’s grace in my life, my pacemaker reminds me every day of the greatness of God, it humbles me reminding me of the frailty of life and of the fact I have been conquered by my God.  What a glorious place it is to be conquered by God, stripped of self-reliance and brought to a place of deeper trust, faith, and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ.

What are you personally struggling through?  How might God use it to conquer something in you and better prepare you for the work He has for you?

Accepting ALL of God

I bet you have done it.  I think most of us have.  We have questioned and wondered about the plans of God for the world and us.  We have found connection with the prophet Habbakuk who cried out, “How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save?” (Hab. 1:2)  

Remember Job and his story?  He experienced a great time of suffering.  In all of the searching for answers to Job’s suffering he and his friends came up with various ideas and assertions, but God comes on the scene in Ch. 38:1-3 and says this:

 “Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said, “Who is this that darkens counsel
 by words without knowledge?  “Now gird up your loins like a man, and I will ask you, and you instruct Me!” Job 38:1-3

Whoa, hello humbling.  Go ahead and read the whole chapter, I don’t know how you cannot leave from reading it without repenting and asking God for forgiveness.   Often times we want answers to our questions, but I have found in this life of faith that that is not where freedom in Christ is found.  Freedom is found in not only accepting all of God’s attributes, but also in praising Him for His attributes.  We accept and we praise Him not only for His love, but also for His justice, not only for his mercy, but also for His wrath.  We don’t make God who we want Him to be, but we glorify Him because He not only forgives sinners, but also judges the unrepentant and He not only showers us with blessings but also allows us to suffer and experience pain. 

You see, when we trust Him and learn to worship Him for all He is, we will find peace and assurance in His goodness regardless of our circumstances and the world around us.  Once we start to make God who we want Him to be we better humble ourselves before He does.   In fact, I’m praying either we do or He does.  Because pride is one of the avenues Satan loves and relishes in (i.e. the fall of man).  Don’t be deceived by the Deceiver, remember who you are and who God is.  We are finite, and in reality, we don’t have a clue.  God even says to Job, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me if you understand.” Job 38:4 

We don’t know best, God does and when we start accepting that and praising Him for it, letting go of our need for answers, and our ideas of who we want God to be we will find that living life is much easier as we walk trusting in Him for ALL He is.

What attribute of God are you wrestling to accept? 

Who am I?

The other week I had two people ask me in a matter of just a few days if I was a runner.  Now, I haven’t been able to run for quite some time, this question made me think about how often we define ourselves by the things we have done or are doing.  Sure, I used to find identity in being a runner, a sense of pride and accomplishment come from it and I found some worth in that, I’ll admit that.  

God is so gracious, isn’t He?  Throughout this health journey I have been asking the Lord to give me His perspective, to continue to show me my own sin and areas of brokenness, and to empty me and fill me with His lasting peace and purpose.  Because now that running is not apart of my life I am faced with the question of who am I?  Why did this mean so much to me?  I could find a new thing to find identity and worth from, but that wouldn’t do me any good, in fact, it would work towards my destruction instead of giving me a fuller life in Christ and just expound upon my sin.  Friends, our identity is not found in the things we do—our jobs, our families, our finances, our hobbies, etc..  None of these can give us lasting purpose.  Why?  Because all of them could end in an instant.  Yes, these things can give us great joy when walked in with humility, BUT should not be looked too to give us our identity.

In fact Solomon says this about the pleasures of this life:

“And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil.  Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 1:10-12

So this is what I am learning, ready?  I don’t, we don’t, need these things to make us whole or give us a sense of worth.  We are really ok without it, whatever it is.  Jesus is what we need.  He gives us lasting identity, one that will never ever end.  His love.  His grace.  His Truth.  Yes, His salvation lasts forever.  Freedom is found in walking in obedience to the King. 

Trust me, I’m not making this up.  Solomon ends his book with this:

“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecc. 12:13

So I'll trust God that if He sees it fit for me to run again then I will, if not, then He knows best, my duty is to honor and obey Him.  It's not burdensome, no friends, it's life!