Our Desire to Have a Child

2/26/12

So that old ache came back.  I have not had it for a while.  If you have ever longed for a child, (or anything for that matter) you know what I am talking about.  

Now, what I am about to write I have not shared with many people, but maybe you will be blessed today by our struggle with infertility.  Wow, that was really hard for me to write; in writing it I felt a ting of shame.  Maybe because it’s so personal, maybe it’s because I feel like an outsider in some ways, or maybe it’s because I actually had to acknowledge it for what it is.  Whatever the reason for it, there it is.  In August it will be three years, three years of longing mixed with heartache.  I know in retrospect three years really isn’t that long, but at times it sure feels much longer.

Ever since I had my miscarriage in July, I have still always wanted a child, but that ache for a child hasn’t really been there like it had for the almost two years prior.  Maybe this was because I was on a journey towards healing from the grief I was experiencing.  So now that I am through that process the old ache has returned; you know, that feeling of longing and hurt deep inside? 

After talking with the Lord about it, I know I am okay.  I am okay because of the grace of God in my life.  I am okay because I know God has a plan for me, Michael, and our future child.  In fact, I believe we will be blessed with a child, but even if we aren’t, I know He is good. 

Do I wish we found out we were pregnant tomorrow, yes I do, but I can’t put my hope in what I wish for.  I must put it in the promise that God does have a plan and it is what is best for us.  But what does it mean to wait with hope? I read this this evening as I am sitting here thinking about the possibility of having to wait 6 months, two years, or even longer for a child. 

“I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Ps. 27:13-14

Though my heart aches at times, I know deep inside God has a plan.  So I do have hope my confidence is in Him, His goodness, and His timing.  I will still praise Him regardless of what happens in our life, because I know He is and wants what is best for us.    

Maybe you know what I’m specifically talking about today.  Maybe your heart is longing for a child, but the struggle continues.  Jesus can and longs to hold you in your grief and longing.  It’s a beautiful thing really, hard to describe at times, but it’s a peace, a knowing, an understanding that your life is safe in His hands.  If you would trust your life to Him, He really will satisfy you.  Being a mother and having a child is a wonderful gift from God, but it will not give us ultimate satisfaction and wholeness.  That responsibility belongs to and can only be found in Jesus. 

So in the meantime I will wait, but not as one without hope, but as a woman with hope knowing that Christ is near to me in my longing and loves me all the same.

Lent: Why I'm Observing

Lent begins today.  Lent is a time of preparation for the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Over the past few months God continues to hit me with the idea of preparation.  I’m afraid Lent is not talked about widely in some of our protestant denominations and is seen mostly as a Catholic tradition.  As a protestant, I must say, we need Lent too!   

We need to be prepared, we need times of consecration, to be set apart for the work God has for us.  Our Sunday school class is currently going through the book of Joshua, and I cannot even begin to tell you how many times this idea of preparation is woven throughout the chapters of Joshua.  The Israelites had to be prepared; God was leading them to take possession of the Promised Land.  I know God wants to do a work in me, and in the church Michael and I are at, but we must offer ourselves to the Lord for a time of preparation and consecration.

God wants to lead us to take possession of all that is ours in Christ.  This is why seasons such as Lent are so vital to our Christian life.  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” Eph. 1:3  Yes, it’s time to take a step back, it’s time for a deeper commitment to prayer, to fasting, to self-reflection.  God longs to move in our hearts, our communities, and our churches.  He is waiting for us to surrender. 

At a time when I am feeling a bit unbalanced myself, I know this season of Lent is all the more important.  This Lent I want to know Jesus more.  I want to be completely utterly satisfied in Him.  I want to move on from fear and overcome strongholds.  I want to be more equipped to fight against the Enemy.  I want to be more confident in who I am in Christ.  I want to know His Word and Love like never before. 

I know God is calling me to fast, to pray, and to get into His Word with great feverency.  So this Lent I’m fasting from Television so I can regain my focus on Christ.   I know I’m not really giving up anything, but I am gaining everything.  More of Him.  Yes, more of Him.  I know the Bible tells us when we fast we are to do it in a way that does not bring attention to ourselves (Matt. 6:16). I don't share this to bring glory and honor to myself, I've done enough of that in my life, but I share it to encourage you and challenge you in your walk with Christ. I hope you can find something to give up so you can focus more on God and the plans He has for you.

Maybe you don’t know Jesus; maybe you don’t understand why I keep saying I want “more of Him.”  Friend, Jesus loves you dearly.  He lived a sinless life for you.  He died on the cross for your sins, and rose again to defeat all death and evil.  He lives, and if you would accept Him into your life, acknowledging your need for a Savior, He will forever change your heart for the good.  The love you so desperately long for, the lasting peace and joy your heart needs, it’s found in Him.  We all need a Savior.  Our Savior has come and His Name is Jesus. 

Balance

Lately, I have felt a bit unbalanced.  It seems like life is just kind of passing me by.  I don’t want to live life like that, I want to live with intentionality and purpose for each day and for every decision I make.  I want every ounce of my life to be directed towards Christ and His purpose and glory.   Feelings of unbalance and restlessness should be a sign to us that it’s time to take a step back, to go away, and spend some quiet time with the Father.  Yes, I know and sense God beckoning me to come away and spend some quiet time with Him.

Being alone with God is so important to the development of our faith.  We have to be intentional about carving out times for rest and renewal, because if we don’t our souls will be a mess inside.  Sometimes I think we are too afraid though to carve out times for rest because the quiet scares us.  It is in the quiet moments that God comes to us and shows us our true selves.  In the quiet we come face to face with the sadness, sorrow, or guilt we feel in our souls, and not to mention, the lies of the Enemy.  Busyness keeps us from really coming face to face with the reality of what’s going on in our hearts, so we run, we keep busy.  It’s really a coping mechanism, which unfortunately keeps us from experiencing true wholeness and everlasting peace which comes from intimacy with the Father.  Because the nagging thoughts don’t stop, they are still there.  The thoughts of inadequacy, doubt, fear, and a need to control, etc. linger.  You see the Enemy really truly does want to destroy us and one of the places he goes is our minds.  But the wonderful and marvelous truth is, is that we can come face to face with these lies in confidence with the Word of God and we can live as overcomers.  We don’t have to be held captive by them anymore.   We really can walk in freedom and “…take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5b)

You see God is constantly calling us to Him.  He is so near to us.  He longs to speak to us, to heal us, to free us, but often times without even knowing it we move away from God.  This is why we must carve out time to be quiet and still before the Lord, waiting with anticipation and hope that He will speak.  We can draw near to Father; it’s a promise of scripture!  “Come near to God and He will come near to you...” (James 4:8a)

Yes, there is so much more for us in Christ.  It means digging deep, being real, authentic, and honest about what goes on in our own hearts.  The more I dig the more I realize I need Jesus, but isn’t this the beauty of it all?  The more authentic we are and real about our sin and brokenness, confessing it to the Father, the more He can dig that out and replace it with His love and the gracious power of the Holy Spirit.  It takes intentionality and a heart of true submission, because when we “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7) The Holy Spirit will help us.  In fact, without the Holy Spirit there’s no way we can overcome, but with Him and His power we will demolish strongholds and find rest!

Satisfaction

Ps. 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

So I have been doing some reflecting lately on what it means to be truly satisfied in Christ. 

Sometimes I think we look at Ps. 37:4 and think it means when we come to God He will give us the things we want (money, children, a better house/job/body).  I think this is the wrong view to take on this verse.  I believe God wants us to find our delight solely in Him and Him alone.  When we find our delight in Christ and not in our accomplishments, material possessions, or externals, but in the precious love of Jesus Christ our hearts will be at peace.  This is where true delight in life is found.  So when I look at this verse, to me what it is saying is…When we are fully satisfied in the Lord, finding our delight in Him and through being in Him, God will give us the desires of our hearts BECAUSE our desire will be for Him only. 

Now, I’m not saying we won’t have desires or wants in life even when we are fully satisfied in Christ, but now our desires will be in proper perspective.  Let’s not forget the verse before and after this verse in Ps. 37. 

Ps. 37:3-5

3Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

Trust, Delight, Commit.  When we TRUST Christ, we know that whatever happens to us in life that God is good and He is in control, we don’t have to have everything go the way we want because we trust God with the good and the bad.  When we COMMIT our way to the Lord, we act on our faith, believing He will give us what we need. 

Yes, I want certain things in life.  I want to have a child, I want to be a mother, I want to have extra money in my bank account, I want to go on vacation in Europe, I want to run again someday, etc..  But at the end of the day if these things never happen, I will still praise Him, I will still love Him because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing will satisfy.  My life is in His hands.  I have committed my way to the Lord, because I choose to put my trust in His Word, and I have no doubt that He will grant me the desire of my heart, which is to be fully delighted in Jesus Christ. 

My Baptism Experience

Praise God on Sunday January 29^th I was baptized!  I must say it was a wonderful experience for me.  I was nervous, but also excited at the same time.  I was so thankful that my family was able to be there to support me and that Michael was the one who baptized me. 

Overall it was a very special moment in my walk with Christ.  After I made my public confession of faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and was immersed for the first time as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, I remember coming up out of the water and feeling such joy in my heart.  I was happy.  I believe I felt this way because God was happy, He was pleased that I walked in obedience and followed Him.  

As I was walking out of the water I remembered something a friend had told me.  The water in our Baptism is symbolic of our sins being washed away by the blood of Jesus Christ.  So as I left that water I recalled this conversation and pictured my sins in the water which had been washed away by Jesus.  Praise God for His never-ending grace towards me!  

I think one of the keys to true joy in life is found in humble obedience to the Lord and His leading.  This is what I long for; to follow Jesus with a relentless, undivided, wholehearted devotion.