So that old ache came back. I have not had it for a while. If you have ever longed for a child, (or anything for that matter) you know what I am talking about.
Now, what I am about to write I have not shared with many people, but maybe you will be blessed today by our struggle with infertility. Wow, that was really hard for me to write; in writing it I felt a ting of shame. Maybe because it’s so personal, maybe it’s because I feel like an outsider in some ways, or maybe it’s because I actually had to acknowledge it for what it is. Whatever the reason for it, there it is. In August it will be three years, three years of longing mixed with heartache. I know in retrospect three years really isn’t that long, but at times it sure feels much longer.
Ever since I had my miscarriage in July, I have still always wanted a child, but that ache for a child hasn’t really been there like it had for the almost two years prior. Maybe this was because I was on a journey towards healing from the grief I was experiencing. So now that I am through that process the old ache has returned; you know, that feeling of longing and hurt deep inside?
After talking with the Lord about it, I know I am okay. I am okay because of the grace of God in my life. I am okay because I know God has a plan for me, Michael, and our future child. In fact, I believe we will be blessed with a child, but even if we aren’t, I know He is good.
Do I wish we found out we were pregnant tomorrow, yes I do, but I can’t put my hope in what I wish for. I must put it in the promise that God does have a plan and it is what is best for us. But what does it mean to wait with hope? I read this this evening as I am sitting here thinking about the possibility of having to wait 6 months, two years, or even longer for a child.
“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Ps. 27:13-14
Though my heart aches at times, I know deep inside God has a plan. So I do have hope my confidence is in Him, His goodness, and His timing. I will still praise Him regardless of what happens in our life, because I know He is and wants what is best for us.
Maybe you know what I’m specifically talking about today. Maybe your heart is longing for a child, but the struggle continues. Jesus can and longs to hold you in your grief and longing. It’s a beautiful thing really, hard to describe at times, but it’s a peace, a knowing, an understanding that your life is safe in His hands. If you would trust your life to Him, He really will satisfy you. Being a mother and having a child is a wonderful gift from God, but it will not give us ultimate satisfaction and wholeness. That responsibility belongs to and can only be found in Jesus.
So in the meantime I will wait, but not as one without hope, but as a woman with hope knowing that Christ is near to me in my longing and loves me all the same.